What is this for?

This is an interesting season I'm in. I knew it would be a bit desolate, personally and socially, when I walked into it, but I had little foresight into what this would really look like. Sometimes it's fun and exciting, I'm discovering new music, new interests, new hobbies, new friends—I sometimes feel like a puppy wandering outside of my backyard for the first time. I want to smell everything, touch everything, run everywhere…pee on everything! And then there are weeks like my last one. Not as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. A little slower, a little lonelier, a little more boring. And honestly, this is one of those weeks where I wonder: what's all this for? I mean really? Can I explicitly communicate what I'm believing God for, for a minute? At 27, I feel like God has 'told' me to not date, anyone, not casually, not exclusively, not to even have the appearance of dating. To dedicate not just my time, but my energies to being single and focusing on my 'walk' with Him. Does this sound crazy to anybody else? Take yourself out of your Christian box for a minute and look at this on a logical, no-nonsense level. I 'heard' from God? I seriously think anyone in the world would think I'm officially, certifiably crazy. And, some days, I wouldn't bother to argue.

So what is this for? What the hell am I doing? And why? I've asked God these very questions from time to time (this wasn't one of my weeks where I felt everything was 'for' me). Let me give you a glimpse into my day to day. I work international business hours-Australian Eastern Standard Time to be exact. Which means, I work Sunday nights through Friday mornings. On any given day I may get to the office as early as 4pm or as late as 8pm and leave anywhere between 1am and 5am. Insane. And lonely. I sleep later than I would like on most days and talk to fewer people than I would like. I'm in a desert. And for what? Because I think God 'told' me something? I feel like I'm being a bit dramatic here, but is this what anyone in the Bible felt like? You want me to do what God? And go where? And say what? You're trippin.

This week was more interesting than most. I was sick most of the week and I'm just now getting over whatever bug had his way with me. I won't lie, on more than one occasion I was nostalgic for relationships past. I so wanted to have my girl that would come over after work, bring some soup, a Redbox, some meds and just bum with me on the couch with absolutely no regard that I'm unshaven, in sweats and sound like Darth Vader after a second puberty. She'd call and text a few times during the day just to check on me. Honey, do you need anything? How are you feeling Babe? I'm sorry Amor, I'll come over soon. I'd try and talk her out of it because I wouldn't want her to catch whatever I have, but she'd assure me she'll be fine and besides if she did, I'd have to baby her, she'd remind me. But no one was there for that. Kind of. Here's what's funny--when you're growing, at least with me, God will give you outs. He'll give you chances to tap out and take the easy road. One of the biggest things I've had on my heart these past few months has been the word Integrity. Who are you? I ask myself. Who are you really, César? When it's you and Jesus, when you look in the mirror, are you happy with the man that looks back? Not physically—well yeah, a little physically, but character-wise, are you pleased? Can you say that the man you are is the man God can trust? So on more than one occasion, in several actually, I had friends offer to come and do just those things. Girl, friends. Now, I know none of it was romantic. I think I just have great friends that probably know I'm quite inept at taking care of myself most days, let alone when I'm battling a bug. And it was tempting. I even had one friend that I'm pretty comfortable with, volunteer to come and play 'housewife' for a few days. She didn't mean it in any romantic sense whatsoever; she's seeing a great guy, actually. We've just developed a pretty comfortable friendship where we tend to talk about a lot of sensitive things and I think that's the comfort level we're at. But, I had a few chances to have a stand-in girlfriend, if even for a few days. And I didn't want it. I mean, I did. But not from any of those girls, no offense, but I just didn't. I wanted my girl.

See, for me, integrity right now is probably THE biggest thing on my heart. I want to like the man I am. I want to love the man I am. I want to give my wife, my future girlfriend, a complete man. I want to have a walk with God that brings good fruit. No, I'm not perfect. Nowhere near, but I want to have a walk that I can present to my wife and say –here, here's my life before you and without you. Poke around. I'm not hiding anything, I'm not ashamed of anything, I'm not embarrassed of anything. There's nothing to explain away and there's nothing that needs clarification. You're the girl I've been waiting for; you're the girl I've been building for.

I knew a girl who had a guy for a best friend. And that's cool; I think it's normal and healthy to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex. But this one was a bit much. The best friend was like the stand-in boyfriend. They had dinner together, she went out of her way for him on a normal basis, they shared those cute little inside jokes, they were a bit touchy. And that's NOT bad. Some people communicate and are ok operating on that level. But I'm not. And maybe my wife won't be. But I just remember thinking 'when she gets a man, he probably won't like that friendship being so…cozy.' And I don't want that. I don't want to have to explain anything to my wife. There are no 'girl best friends' in my world. No girl that is my stand-in girlfriend. No girl that will have to be removed to make room for when my girl gets here.

So this week was about that. It was about her. I don't know her. I don't know who she is or where she is. I do know that, this week, I gave her my best. I learned a little more about being self-sufficient and a little more about taking care of myself. No one saw it, no one cared. And honestly, it would not have been wrong to take up any of my friends on offers to bring over soup, or meds or just bum with me on the couch. But the absence of a negative does not intrinsically create a positive. You like that? Deep right? Got that from one of my Bible study boys, wish I could take credit for it, but it wasn't mine. Haha. Point is this: I don't want to have a life or track record or closet that my future wife won't be able to poke around in. There won't be any girls to explain away. No girls to remove or replace. And no girls that my wife will look at and think 'hmm….they're really, really close for friends.' So maybe it's not wrong, but it's also not right. Maybe more importantly, it's not my best. And whoever she is, wherever she is, she deserves my best, and she's getting my best. I really do hope she's good at taking care of me when I'm sick though, because I'm miserable when I'm ill. And, no surprise, completely worthless. But that's what this is for. She's who this is for.

I knew this season of preparation was for a lot of things and a lot of projects. And God has definitely placed a lot of things on my heart that I'm going to grow out of and into in the coming months. But I know one thing; very clearly, this season is for my wife as much as it is for me. So maybe I am a little crazy—'hearing' from God and all. And dedicating a season of my life to this 'call' I supposedly heard. But when I look around and see the failure rate in marriages, the heart ache, the tears, the years of rebuilding after a failed marriage, maybe I'm ok being a little crazy. Maybe it's ok to go a bit overboard on the integrity and character building. Maybe, my wife will be ok with me giving her too much. And maybe, just maybe, God knows what He's doing after all and this gem He has for me deserves my best. Deserves my all. So let's keep on. Let's build some character and some integrity and a man she'll be proud to call her husband. Whoever she is though, she owes me some couch time and a few good Redbox movies, retroactively.

For You and Against You

I haven't been able to shake this thought lately: are things happening for you or to you? Or I suppose better yet, is the world for you or against you? Is your life for you or against you?

A few weeks back I was shopping at for a new watch. Not just any watch, I was looking for a very specific watch, I had a specific style I was hunting for that day. I don't usually 'accessorize' but if I ever buy something along those lines, my Dad always taught me to buy quality. And I gotta say, I was feeling pretty good about it. The style I was looking for was very clean, very neo-classic, like something out of Esquire. This was for Cory's wedding that I was 'accessorizing,' so it wasn't just me going on a shopping spree. But the whole day I was looking for very specific items, cuff links, a French-cuff button down shirt, size 17 ½ X 14-15, buttoned double-back suspenders, a very specific belt—I was going for a very classic 'gentleman' look. The type my father sported. And in the middle of this, I couldn't stop but realize how fortunate I really was. It wasn't the clothes or cuff links or anything I was buying that day, but the freedom of having everything paid for for the month, my savings account at a comfortable level, my tithes and offerings taken care of, some local philanthropy checked off, and in the middle of all this, I was shopping for a condo downtown. I felt very, very fortunate. I don't mention any of this to brag. It was all a reflection of what God has brought me from. Not just in the last year or two, but in life. My mom always reminds me how fortunate and 'wealthy' we are compared to the country we came from. In México, it would be unheard of for a family to have two or three cars, let alone every member of that family own their own vehicle, debt-free. I was just really thankful in that moment for the career God has placed me in, the work ethic he instilled in me through Mom and Dad and thankfully, the wisdom and discipline he's taught me here recently to be able to handle all this. Not that I'm, by any means, where I would like to be or that I feel any sense of 'arrived' or 'accomplished,' but I was thankful.

And then I met Patrick. I walked into a watch shop and Patrick was on his cell. He was very curt and disengaged. Being in sales, something that stuck out immediately. So I shopped around a bit, all while overhearing his conversation—we were the only two in the shop, so it's not like I was eavesdropping, but not like I could ignore it either. I asked to see a watch or two and in small talk came to find out that Patrick was going through a helluva time. He was within a few weeks of getting evicted, he hated his job, he had no family here had a huge fall out with the few friends he did have and was either facing homelessness or selling all his stuff to scrape up some money to move back home with mom and dad a few states away. I felt bad for him, but in the moment, I was honestly just kind of listening, but not with a lot of interest. Guess I was really the one who was in the wrong. So I gave him a little bit of an ear, told him I would pray for him and good luck. And walked out.

As I went from shop to shop looking for the rest of my list, I couldn't get Patrick out of my mind. And little by little felt more and more convicted to go and speak life to him. See, there are a lot of 'spiritual' things I don't do well, and that list is pretty extensive. But one thing I feel I've always had a pretty good grip on is what God says about you versus what the enemy says about you, and thankfully, I think, I've always been able to communicate that to people in some sense. Some people call this 'encouragement' I just think it's truth. So it's like speaking about anything else to people. Like another branch of small talk, it all revolves around relatable facts —weather's nice today isn't it? Yeah a little hot, it should reach 90. –Cowboys lost again. Yeah, I really hope they can turn it around. –Oh and by the way, God thinks you're a winner. So, I brainstormed to think of what I could do for Patrick, I didn't just want to go in there and give him some Jesus pep-talk with no tangible sense of help. So I made a couple calls, dug up a few contacts and decided I would send Patrick to a few friends that might be able to help. When I went back to see Patrick he was alone again, still on the phone. He got off and I ran my plan by him. Gave him a number to a place that I KNOW is hiring, gave him the number to someone that is looking for a few roommates and gave him my number if he needed any more help or any other contacts. Now, I don't share all this for some ego-centric expose on what a great guy I am, because I'm not. Pretty sure I wanted to walk away and say a quick 'Jesus, bless Patrick' from my car. It was Jesus that made me go back to talk to him. But, here's why I share this: as I was talking to Patrick and pitching my ideas of whom he should contact and why, he had a rebuttal for everything I had for him. It was incredible! According to him, he had already interviewed at the place and they more or less mocked him and laughed in his face because he was 'over-qualified,' he didn't want to have another roommate that might 'screw him over again' and wasn't even sure how he would move his stuff out. I didn't know what to say. So I ignored his arguments and told him that God has big plans for him. God's plan is for him to succeed and not fail. It wasn't a magic formula, God will bless the man that puts his hand to the plow, but God's plan is definitely not for failure—which I gathered is what Patrick was feeling.

But what really stuck with me was not how beat up Patrick felt, but how much he felt like everything and everyone was against him. And it made me check myself. How many times have I felt cheated and blamed God for HIS oversight that he would allow something so catastrophic to happen to me?! Does he know who I am? Has he seen my resume?! I speak two languages-and studied a third for eight years! I served in youth ministry! Preposterous, I know, but I seriously treat God this way. How many times have I questioned God on his plan for my life? Does he even know what he's doing with my career? Does he know how long I've been faithful? Doesn't he realize what an awesome husband I would make for one of his really, really hot daughters? Why does he allow 'bad' things to happen to me? As I dug up all this within myself, I felt embarrassed. How much doubt and anger have I spewed at God over the years, when in the end, the very thing I was begging him to deliver me from was the thing he used to catapult me to my next 'glory?' For me, it's so easy to forget where God has brought me from. My kids will be first generation Americans and I STILL forget how good I really have it. A lot of times, I have to confess: I get caught up in everything that has 'happened' to me and see it as things that are against me. But when I read the letter he wrote me, he assures me, EVERYTHING works out for my good, because I love him and he's called me, according to his purpose. So why do I trip? Because I'm flawed. There's still a degree of brokenness that God is working out of me. There are still days when I straight tell him, 'God, your plan for my life? Not digging it right now. Gotta level with you Daddy, it kinda sucks.' And I have to realize: my life is FOR me. My circumstances are FOR me. My career and single life are FOR me. Even if at some point, some, if not, all, seem to be against me—these things are all for me. I gave them all to God years ago and at that point he took over and made everything for me. It seems like he knew I would feel like this from time to time. Maybe that's why he says that ALL things work out in my favor and he says things like 'if God is for us, then who can be against us?' These all seem like cute coffee-mug quotes, but how often do we really live like that? How often does God come to us with an amazing plan, an amazing dream, or God-forbid, an amazing opportunity for growth that will stretch us out of comfort zone and we argue with him?! No, no, God, you don't understand, MY circumstances are really, REALLY bad. If we supposedly believe these things, when do we start living like it? Not sure about the rest of you, but from here on out, my life is FOR me. My pain is FOR me. My desert season is for me and my harvest season is for me. And regardless of what growth I go through, it is FOR me. It didn't 'happen' to me, I'm not a victim of circumstance; I'm a son of The King. I'm the one he talks about in the Bible when he says he's counted my hair. I'm the one it talks about when it says that he has great plans for me. I'm the one it talks about when it says that he loved me so much that he gave up his life for me and my sin. My life is FOR me and yours is FOR you. The enemy might try to come and convince you otherwise, but God has big plans for you, and if he's for you, who then, can stand against you?

As I write this, I'm having a hellacious week at work and I'm fighting this cold that's kept me in bed for the better part of the last three days. But it is for me. No, it's not God's plan for me to be sick and why I'm still fighting it, I don't know. Let's not be melodramatic here though, pretty sure it's just a seasonal cold. But nonetheless, this is all working for me-not against me. And your life and your struggles are for you too. Don't cheat yourself out of an amazing opportunity for growth and maturity because you're too far out of your comfort zone. Don't settle for mediocrity in your life because you feel like this is as good as it gets. God has the best for you, go get it.

I really do pray for Patrick, a lot, actually. I know he felt beat up and had an excuse for every solution I pitched at him, but I know my God and my God has big plans for Patrick too.