Let me explain. I started this whole "I'm not dating" experiment some months back, and not because I thought it would be fun, or even honestly because I thought I needed it. I haven't dated in about a year and a half now. But it started, like many things of the faith do, with a whisper. I felt it in my spirit one day and after praying about it and talking to my counsel about it, we all felt pretty comfortable that this is what God was leading me to do. Shortly after starting this process, I really felt like God was impressing on me that this was a time for preparation, a season to grow and learn and to sort of 'make room' for the woman he has in store for me. So I went with it. I took up cooking, I picked up a few new hobbies, read a few more books—wanna know a secret? I even listened to country music. Crazy right!? Don't be too impressed, it was very sparse and I was very snobbish about it. I listened to like, two songs, and they were either classics-Cash or very well written-Asleep at the Wheel. But point is, for the first part of this, I very much felt like God was literally preparing me for my wife. The balance to this is that I'm not always a hopeless romantic. I try to have a pretty good balance between Cloud Nine romanticism and real life pragmatism. So I insist on opening every door, every time when I'm with a girl, but I'm ok if she picks up the tab from time to time—I'm not trying to go broke dating a girl. So I knew that in this preparation God wasn't necessarily promising me that at the end of this season he would magically fabricate the perfect woman and divinely place her in my world. I try to not treat God like my magic genie. But I knew there was a reason this was the season he had me in.
Lately this season has taken an interesting turn. One of the things I've felt a lot recently is this very question: Why are you chasing me? Initially, I wanted to have a very holy, Sunday School-esque type answer. Oh thou Lord Almighty of the Heavens, who am I that thou shall thinketh of me? I am but a vessel at thy's…thou's..beck and call…. Haha. Right? But Jesus and I have a strict no BS policy. See, the way I see it, he already knows what I feel and think, so why lie to him about it? And if I was real honest with myself, and with him, I knew what I was doing. I was chasing him in this season and going through this 'exciting' adventure of singleness and learning and 'character growth' really, really hoping that he has an amazing woman for me at the end of all this. A really fine, gorgeous woman that happens to be amazed at the character growth I've experienced and thinks there is an impressive, understated, eloquence to my walk and the discipline and self-control I've exhibited during these last few months. Haha. He caught me. I knew and He knew. While I wasn't necessarily treating God like my personal magic genie, I was definitely in it to see what I was getting out of it more so than out of simple obedience. That's when he said it. Why are you chasing me? Isn't it funny that God will ask you questions you both already knew the answer to? So I went with it. –OK Lord, you know why and I know why. Obviously it's off somewhere or it wouldn't be a topic right now. So what do I need to change? The answer was simple.
Nothing.
Nothing?
Nothing.
Keep doing what you're doing, but answer this: if you got nothing out of this. Absolutely nothing. No wife, no epic life lessons, no promise of an amazing wife, no divine intervention in your dating game—would you still be doing this? And there it was. That's where I was off. While I wasn't banking on the idea that God was magically orchestrating the cosmos to improve my dating game, I was really, really, really hoping he was. So it comes down to this. Am I chasing him in this season to see what I can get out of him? Or am I chasing him because he's my God and my Father that loves me and wants to spend time with me?
It wasn't the easiest or deepest revelation in this whole season—in fact, I feel like a lot of these 'revelations' aren't really all that Earth-shattering. But it was something I was off on. So here's me. Chasing Jesus on this season he told me to go on, with absolutely no promise of anything. Funny thing is, I don't hate it. I don't want to be uber-pious or anything, but it's ok. He's never cheated me and He's never shorted me. If He has an amazing wife for me somewhere down the line, that's great. If she's just around the corner that would be amazing. If not, that's amazing too. See, while you can chase God for what He has in his hands; I believe, you don't really get to know God and experience God until you stop caring so much what He has in his hands and start seeking His face.
Paul said something like –I wish you were all lifetime bachelors like I'm a lifetime bachelor, for the call of God. I don't think he had a sweet bachelor pad though. But what if? What if that's what God had for you? Would you be willing to chase after that? What's our belief system? Is it that God is bigger and greater than our dreams and wishes? Or is it that He has to fit into our dreams and wishes? I don't believe God will ever cheat you or short you. Ever. "You can't out-give God," that's what the preacher says when he wants you to give more money right? But what if you really can't? What if you can't out-give God and the single life he has for you is a thousand times more amazing than the married life you thought you would have? Crazy talk? Maybe. But what if? What are we really seeking Him for? For what he can give us? Or to give him a miniscule of an offering for the life and salvation He's given us? Maybe he wants me to be single the rest of my life and move to a monastery-that might be kind of cool. Those dudes practice Kung Fu right? Or maybe He wants me to learn to chase him for no other reason than He is God. Either way, I have to trust and know and believe that he is God and he knows what he's doing.
Why are you chasing?
"Jesus and I have a no BS policy"
ReplyDeleteLove that!
haha. thanks man!
ReplyDelete