Don't look at the dirt...

For a long time I felt like 'hearing from God' meant having this ultra secluded time and space devoted and dedicated to an uber pious prayer and Bible time. And while that is still some of the best times to hear from God, I've finally gotten to a place in my life and my walk where I literally talk to God all day. And I love it. I remember when I was in a relationship, she was my constant communication, she got all my texts, emails, phone calls and free time. So making this transition to focus on Jesus the way I focused on romantic relationships was, admittedly, a bit awkward at first. I would have 'lunch dates with Jesus'. Shut up, it was cool. Or I would just shut my radio off and drive aimlessly listening to His heart and guidance for me. I would go to my one spot in Austin that is solely mine and just talk to him. And after learning to recognize the voice of God in my day to day I've not only grown accustomed to it, but I need it. I desire it. I relish in it. Very much like the communication in a relationship, I NEED this constant communication with Jesus.

So now, I talk. And I talk a lot. Mostly, I feel like it's nonsensical, but Jesus loves me. And sometimes, I feel like I make Him laugh with my questions and constant inquiries. God, will I ever live abroad? Can you move me to NYC or Chicago? Can I win the lottery? Why did this happen? Why did that happen? What is my wife doing right now? Is she hot? I bet she's hot isn't she? Can you make her a good cook? Etc. And I really do like these conversations, I feel very much like when my dad would take me on road trips with him and we would talk everything from sports to girls to the stock market.

And then, every once in a while, my dad would drop a huge piece of wisdom on me that I would just chew on for a few hours. Looking back, I think this was his ploy to get me to shut up for a few miles. Haha. This weekend felt a little like that. Leah, Andy and I went hiking the cliffs off 360. We were trekking a new part I've never been to before so I was trying to be a little more conscious of my surroundings, footing, moving things under leaves, you know, normal things. We came across a small snake that scattered off under some brush, but next to heights, snakes are my next biggest fear. As we kept walking, I half-jokingly asked God why He would create such horrible creatures. All the while watching my every single step for fear that one would jump out and jack up my world. Next, I asked God why he created dirt--I mean think about it, it's ugly. And dirty. And messy. So as we're walking through brush, I'm keeping my focus on where I'm stepping, trying to avoid snakes and whatever else may want to ruin my day. And in that I kinda started complaining. God, if you created everything out here, why is this scenery so ugly?? I mean all you put out here was a bunch of dirt and fallen branches and leaves. And in a solid moment of clarity, I simply heard Him say--Son, look up, not down.

It stopped me in my walk. Literally. I had spent so much time worried and fearful that a tiny garden snake would 'jump' out at me that I was focused on the dirt, the brush, the wood and everything else on the ground that I was missing the gorgeous scene around me. The greens of spring, the flowers in full bloom, birds flying all over the place, it was almost like a cheesy scene from a Disney movie. But I got it. I was so worried about what I might trip on or what might bite me that I was completely oblivious to the beauty around me. And even more importantly, the beauty of creating my own path through some of the thicker brush of the woods.

And that's all I had to hear. And in a very poignant metaphor, I realized I very much do this in my day to day. With my million questions and concerns about what I'm doing--sometimes I feel like I'm not where I should be or not progressing fast enough, I miss out on the beauty of what God has placed in my life and the beauty of the mystery of where God will take me. And in all honesty, I'm not trusting that He'll protect me from evil and enemies and everything else Psalms says He'll protect me from.

God,

I trust you. I believe in you. I believe you. I'm sorry I don't thank you enough for the amazing life you've given me and I'm sorry for doubting you around every turn and on every step of my life. I know you have amazing things for me, because you've given me an amazing life. I give you my steps, I give you my decisions, I give you my life. Again. Lord help me to enjoy where you have me while maintaining a healthy drive and enthusiasm for the future you're building with and for me. Protect me, provide for me and make me into the man you have called me to be. Help me to honor you and trust you in all I do. I love you Abba Father.

Your Son,
Cesar Ivan.

God make me a steward…

It seems like a recurring theme here lately for me has been marriage. My two best friends are getting married, an old friend from middle school is getting married, the 12 year old down the street is getting married. Seems like every other person around me is getting married. And if they're not, most people are talking about it. I have to admit, usually stuff like this doesn't phase me. At all. No, seriously it doesn't. I think that's the advantage of being a guy, is that I can be completely content being single for long periods of time. I don't know if most people are wired this way, but I'm really good at being single. In fact, I would venture to say that I'm better at being single than I am at relationships. Ask around. Haha.

But last week seemed to strike a different chord. In fact, when I pray about my future and my wife, I usually feel pretty comfortable with the concept of hurry up and wait and wait long. Wait real long. But last week. Last week was a little odd. I was talking to some close friends that I genuinely look up to and admire—they have a great marriage, they raised fantastic kids, they have great careers, they've lived full lives. And I think the combination of talking to them about marriage and seeing how happy they were after all these years breached something in my usually dormant reservoir of emotions. But it hit me. Is it odd to be this comfortable at the prospect of never marrying? I have to admit, I did get really, REALLY comfortable at the thought. After one of the best relationships I've been in ended on a really bad rough patch, I carried around a lot of hurt. I felt betrayed. Wasted. Burnt. And after I got over all those feelings, I didn't think I would ever be ready or even willing to come around to the idea of marriage. So much so, that I think I genuinely got ok with the idea of being a life-long bachelor. George Clooney seems to have it pretty good. Do your own thing, focus on your career, travel, accumulate a comfortable existence and play cool uncle to all your buddies' kids. I'm starting to feel as though maybe not.

And when I pray about it, it feels like a new season spiritually. I'm more aware of the long-term implications of my actions. All of a sudden my career feels like more of a project to present to someone than a means to an extravagant and adventurous end. Something else hit me this morning when praying. Usually my prayers are something like –Jesus, IF I do marry, make my wife amazing. Make her really cool, make her an amazing cook, make her someone that is cool with me being a dude, someone that likes that I'm into sports, make her an amazing cook (this one is really important), make her really, really, ridiculously, unbelievably, unfairly gorgeous, etc. In essence, Lord, I don't want a mediocre wife. I want a best friend for life. I want someone that I can hang out with in 20 years. Travel, go on hikes, workout with, double dates with my buddies' wives, everything. BUT if she's not all those things, I'll stay single. For life. See, I would rather be single for the rest of my life than compromise or settle for mediocrity. And usually I feel like those prayers sometimes feel like a little kid rattling off his Christmas list to his Dad. This morning was different. It hit me in a very real sense that if God is preparing a wife for me (hopefully), than surely he's preparing me for one of his daughters. Now, I know this isn't theologically very deep, but for me it was a little bit of a wakeup call. I guess because I got so comfortable with the idea of being George Clooney that I almost treated those prayers with frivolity and a lack of weight behind them. But I suppose it's true. If I don't want to settle for mediocrity, I want a wife that thinks the same. Ask anyone that knows me and the thing that keeps me single for so long is that I am, fastidiously, almost unrealistically picky. But I like my method. It keeps the crazies away and keeps 99% of the girls off my radar. Which might only contribute to me being such a dude, but I don't dwell on that. Point is this: if I am to have a wife someday. It would be great to think that we didn't settle for anything. In fact, I want her to be able to look at me and know in her heart of hearts that I am the man God created and prepared for her. She didn't settle, she didn't compromise, she didn't waver. She waited and God gave her more than what she thought she could ever have in a husband. Because to be honest, that's how I want to look at my wife.

The flip side of this is that when God promised Abraham a son it still took some 20-odd years for that to come to pass. Abraham dropped the ball when he took matters into his own hands and tried to rush the plan and timing of God.

So God,

Thank you for your promises. Thank you that you don't forget about me and you have only the best for me. God, make me a man of integrity and wisdom. A man that people would follow and respect. A man after your own heart that can lead with courage and love with passion. A man that loves the life you've given to him, but also pleasures in the work of his hands. God make me a man that has a life that you can smile upon. Make me a man that is without foundational cracks or blemishes. I know I'll never be perfect, but God make me as solid as my future and destiny requires. God, make me a man that can rest and be patient and wait for your promises and your impeccable timing and not a man that would foolishly take matters into his own hands. I know you're working and doing amazing things in my wife's life-whoever she is, wherever she is, but God make me a man that can lead, love and be a steward of one of your amazing creations. Make me a man that you can trust with the heart and life of one of your daughters. One of the really hot ones. That can cook...not one of the ones with a lazy eye, or facial hair or unusual amounts of body odor. Amen.

p.s.

God if she spoke Spanish that would be awesome!

Spend Wisely...

So in this new season I've entered one thing has become increasingly clear: my resources are limited. And so are yours.

I remember being a kid and feeling like all the time and resources in the world were at my disposal. And they were. But as I've grown, I've come to realize this no longer holds true. So while we ought to always be wise as to where we invest our time, efforts and money. So too, we should be wise and choosy as to with whom we spend our time and efforts.

I had second thoughts about writing this, because in my heart of hearts I am an ardent advocate of love God and love people. But I've also come to realize that loving people includes yourself. In fact, in Ephesians men are called to love their wives just how they love themselves. The problem, I think, is that many times, men don't love themselves. They are incomplete, unwhole, broken. And out of that lack they attempt to love a woman and instead they end up trying to make that woman a substitute for the lack in their lives. And so too, do women. Anyways, point is this: if you're not complete, whole and unbroken; how can you expect to give any of yourself to anyone? Friends, family, lovers, whatever.

So in that I've recently become a pretty big fan of myself. I don't mean for this to come across as conceited or arrogant. But I mean, I've become a better steward of my resources. Namely, my time and energy. You see, while we are called to be light to this world and bring Christ to people and people to Christ. You're also to be a steward of you. So be choosy who you spend time with. Rev. Run (RunDMC) said this: "practice loving everyone, but be careful who you surround yourself with--apples hang with apples." And I think it holds water, love on everyone. Be Christ to everyone at all times. Don't be a jerk. Ever. To anyone. As much as you can help it. Lol. Apologize when you fail. But choose carefully who you invest most of your time and energy with. Those people will either build you up or tear you down. Don't feel bad for letting people exit your life when they've become more taxing on your time, resources, sanity, emotions than what they pour back into you. In fact, if you have to force yourself on someone, you should really ask yourself, does this person even merit this much time and emotion? Relationships (friendships, family or otherwise) are a two-way road. If you're doing all the chasing, all the calling and all the vying for attention. What is your return on investment? It's ok to let people exit your life. If people are really interested in your life and well-being they'll find time and effort to pour into you. And at the end of the day those are really the people you want in your life. People that on some level, make you and your life a priority. Because as much as people may 'have your back' it does you no good to rely on those people just to turn around and find out that they peaced-out when 'having your back' was no longer convenient.

This isn't a green light to axe people from your life without some sort of effort to find a common ground. But guard yourself. Guard your heart. Not everyone that claims to 'have your back' or be about you really does or is. And on the flip side of that, enjoy, appreciate, honor those that stick around when you're not at your best. Those that have seen you at your lowest and still love and respect you. People will come and go. Seek wisdom in your relationships with people. Sometimes, you'll have to release people to their destiny--which may have nothing to do with you and other times, you'll have to man up and hash out issues to keep things going. But if you ever feel like your forcing yourself on someone. Don't. Find people that love you, people that are about you, people that will balance you out, but will encourage you. And hold on to those people for dear life. And realize others are simply there for a season.

Father,

Thank you for the people in my life. I never, ever feel like I deserve them, but by your grace you've surrounded me with some world-class friends and family. And while you've taken me through different seasons where you allowed people to exit my life and I'm sure there will be more, help me to always lean on you for my peace, my security, my sanity and my comfort. I love you Father. You're amazing to me and you give me more than I deserve.