Grow Up.

I remember growing up I would hear my parents describe a season of time or events in their lives as 'whirlwinds.' I was always confused as to what that meant exactly; sometimes I got kind of excited like Taz from Looney Tunes was coming over to play with us. But having an adult life of my own, with my own dreams, goals and aspirations--there's not a better fitting word I can think of to describe the start of 2010 for me.

Last year was an amazing year for me. And not in a romantic—everything was sunshine and butterflies type romantic—but truly, God-crafted amazing. In fact, looking back, there are more things in '09 that I can look back on now and have my own 'Aha!' moments. I know it's trite and cliché when uncomfortable circumstances come your way to just chalk it up to character growth or 'season of growth' but in my heart of hearts, I honestly believe that '09 was that for me. I once had a close, older friend tell me, César, you're one of those dudes that grew up without ever really growing up. And for years I chewed on this trying to figure out exactly what that meant. We had countless conversations in the few years that we worked together, but this was one that always stuck with me. I think '09 highlighted this handicap in my life. I had all the outer workings of an 'adult' with very few of the inner workings. See, when you come up in the world, all that matters is what your outer man looks like-your façade. But a lot of times when we come to God, it takes some time for us to give him all of ourselves, in my case, my self-illusion that I had everything put together.

So in '09, God decided it was time for my inner workings to mature. And mature they did. On paper, '09 was one of the most difficult years I've had in sometime. I shifted out of a career I was pretty comfortable in and honestly pretty good at, for ….the calling of God? I had no clue what that meant at the time. The girl I was convinced I was going to marry and I called it quits. And towards the end of the year I felt God call me to a season of simplicity, struggle and growth when I felt like I was supposed to join an internship geared towards those that felt called to ministry. Even in this, I still held on to some sort of semblance of 'I got this Jesus, just help me out from time to time, but seriously, I got this.' This is where I saw my handicap. Not just saw it, but felt it, felt it highlighted, felt it ousted. Day after day I was walking around half naked for the world to stare at, to examine, to criticize with this handicap that surely everyone else saw too.

See, what was great about the internship is that it forced you to be uncomfortable. The hours are long, the work is thankless and you're living with 30+ other people that will gladly, at any time, if inadvertently, highlight something else in your life that needs growth. One of the things I kept feeling and saying when I was in the internship was –I just miss being a grown up. After some time, I finally took a second to sit and actually chew on what it means to be a grown up. Is it having bills to pay? Is it having a relationship? Is it having a career? Is it having a family? Or in the spiritual sense, is it submitting to authority? Is it going to church? Volunteering at church? See, none of these things MAKE you a grown up, these are the outer workings of having growth and maturity in your character. And for a long time I deceived myself into thinking that because I had most of the 'checks' on the Welcome to Adulthood Checklist, then by definition, I was a healthy, functioning, card-carrying adult.

But where many, including myself, have been deceived is in thinking that being an adult is a checklist of tasks that people can point at and say –because you do x,y and z you are now an adult. Because many times we've all experienced and probably acted out ourselves in a way that screams immaturity, insecurity, naivety, even though all the tangibles of being an adult are there. We had the Watoto kid's choir come to church last week. And these are kids from Africa that lost their parents to war, AIDS or abandonment. And many told stories of the oldest sibling in the family, many times a 7-year old taking charge and caring for and raising their younger siblings. This put in contrast to the 40 year old that has an affair and walks out on his family. I offer to you, which is the adult?

Paul said something like, I won't pretend like I have it, but I continue to work towards that ultimate goal. The ultimate goal that GOD called me to. And in that is adulthood. Is it being financially responsible? Yes. Is it carrying and maintaining functioning, healthy relationships? Absolutely. But it's more than that. It's chasing after Christ—even when, especially when, it's against the flow. It's chasing after the calling, the goal that God has set in your life especially when there's opposition, and there will be opposition. And I would even argue, it's going your own way. If my God is a creative God of infinite possibilities, is it absurd for me to believe that the calling he's put on me, may too, have its own path and its own course? And out of all these inner workings, come the tools that allow you to be a healthy, functioning adult. An adult with character, integrity, truth, confidence, love, respect, humility, honor and any other cavalier trait you wish to add to the list. So in my seeking to be more like him, I trust him in this new phase of my life, to continue to grow me, to teach me, to instill in me more of him. And hopefully, to do it with a little less struggle than I had in '09.

Be blessed friends.