It occurred to me the other day that in every season of desert there must be a season of loneliness. I suppose I let my naïveté get the better of me to not realize this sooner, but I hadn't given much forethought to this 'desert' season I'm in. When I really think about it, it makes complete sense that every analogy of God building you in the desert goes hand in hand with you being alone. To be frank, when it first occurred to me that I would have to encounter and maybe worse yet, embrace this season of loneliness, I really just kind of shrugged it off. I think it was my own way of not dealing with reality. You know how some people will ignore life hoping it'll just go away and they'll wake up to find everything better? I think that was my initial reaction the first time this thought crossed my mind.
But here I am. Lonely. And I guess it's not so bad. Honestly, I think I probably brought a little of this upon myself. A few months back, I started praying –God, make me completely Christ-sufficient, not man (or woman) dependent. It's how I took up cooking. I realized, in the most non-chauvinistic way possible, the only real reason I would ever 'need' a woman in my life is because I was completely inept at feeding myself. I was eating a lot of tuna and PB&Js and going through the exact same repertoire of foods day to day. Because, somewhere in me I thought I would just lack that part of my life until I found the woman that was supposed to fulfill it. When I realized this, I concluded that this was a deficiency. Here's my theory: I don't want to be needed. I don't. I don't want my wife to be with me out of necessity. Sure it sounds romantic and sweet to look at someone and say –I NEED you in my life. But do you really? If you do, it almost seems kind of sad. A symbiotic relationship based purely or even partly on a lack of something. I don't want to be needed, I want to be chosen. And I really don't want to need anybody. I would much rather look at my wife and say –You're getting a complete man. I don't need anything, I don't lack anything, I don't need you to fill any emotional holes in my life or otherwise. But, Honey, I WANT to be with you. I want to spend time with you because you make me smile, you make my life easier and I enjoy being around you. You don't complete me, but you complement me. So I started praying, God help me to cook (seriously, I did), but more than that, help me to rely 100% solely, purely on you. Make me a complete man that lacks nothing, so when I choose my wife, I can, with integrity, tell her that she is my chosen. Not my nanny, or my mommy, or my silly putty to fill some void in my life. But my chosen.
Guess I really didn't that one through. Or really think he was listening. Turns out, he was.
I've been looking for a new home church lately. Nothing bad happened, no Earth-shattering event, no juicy gossip to pass on, I just felt like moving on. Two things I've learned so far. One, God is faithful. He is really, really, REALLY faithful. Every service I've sat in, every worship song I've sang seems like it has been a divine appointment for me. Like the Holy Spirit called ahead and made reservations for me. I've been dealing with some junk in my heart lately that honestly, needed to be sorted out and God's been faithful to point this out and bring it out of me. From being a light in your corporate world, to not holding grudges to the enemy attacking you with past sin. All of it has been for me. Songs about grace, new beginnings, His unending love for us. All of it. And I learned that he's faithful through my mistakes. I realized today, I haven't prayed one second about this move. I felt an inkling in my gut that it was time to move on and God stayed with me. Not one second of –God, what do you want for me? Not one thought of –Father, lead me. Nothing. Just up and moved. Truth be told, it was maybe a little out of resentment, but nothing too deep or anything I want to share here. But today, I gently felt the Spirit of God speak to me –Where am I in this? It was in the middle of worship. And I knew exactly what he was referring to. Not the worship, not the service, but me. Where am I in the middle of this? I felt so bad. Like when you're dating someone serious and you completely run them over with no regard for their schedule, their feelings or their input and you realize all your plans for 'us' were your own. I felt that today. But even in my failures, in my selfishness He's been faithful to provide and been faithful to steer and been faithful to not forget about me, but rather cater to me and love on me and provide for me. It seems like that's what unselfish love looks like—giving the other person their way even when you KNOW you're 100% in the right and they're 100% in the wrong. Can't say I've ever been that selfless in my life. But in this, I learned love. I learned that he provides and I learned He's with me in my loneliness and my selfishness.
I don't mean to be melodramatic, but have you ever looked for a new church on your own? It's lonely. Literally every service I've been to I've known no one (except for one, but that one wasn't on my plan, it was an invite to go see a friend lead worship). And that's kind of ok. In this season, God is rearranging me, building me, molding me. He took Moses, David and Jesus all out in the desert before he did something great with them. He took their gifts, their talents, their desires and stirred them, fueled them, uncovered them and birthed them. So here I am. A little bit lonely, but for a good cause. A little scared, but protected. A little bored, but fulfilled. I know my God is with me and I know he won't leave me. So even if in this season I have to see almost no one and be around almost no one and miss everyone. I know I'm not alone.
I honestly don't know what's going to come of this 'shifting' season. Like I said, I honestly haven't even prayed about it. So I'll pray and I'll walk and I'll take a wrong turn or two. I'll run and stammer and climb and slip. But I'll walk with my Jesus and I'll fill you in when I know.
-César Ivan.
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