Keep On Keeping On

My dad used to say this a lot: "Keep on keeping on." I remember him saying this a lot after he would pick me up from football practice and I would complain how hot it was or how tired I was or how I don't think I could do it another day. He'd say it a lot especially in the summers when we would work out together and I was just exhausted and didn't feel like lifting anymore. Summers were the worst. All the working, all the running and for what? There was no immediate benefit to my efforts. No game that week, no goal to hit, nothing to really shoot for other than just getting better. -Keep on keeping on, he would say.

It would take me a while to get the full breadth of what Pops was saying. Keep doing what you're doing. When there's no immediate reward, when there's no finish line in sight and even more, when you know there's no guarantee of a reward at the end of the race. Keep doing the right thing. I learned this last year when God was really dealing with me in the area of being a man of character. One day I remember him very clearly putting this in my heart -would you still do whatever you're doing if there was no reward? Would you still chase me, would you still be faithful and diligent and obedient if there was no reward to it? Would you still do the right thing if no one ever found out you were doing the right thing? What if no one even cared about your character and integrity? That's integrity. Doing the right thing when there is no promise of a reward. No guarantee of a shiny medal. No accolades, no recognition. Doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do is the definition of character and integrity.

I feel in my heart that that's 2012 for me. If 2011 was a trying year, a strengthening year, 2012 will be a building year. This will be a year to lay the foundation down for a lot of what God has called me to and a lot of what he has for me. This is the year to put some action behind my dreams and desires. While it is absolutely true that God is faithful to his word and he gives us the desires of our hearts, I also know that sometimes that is presented as God giving us the opportunity to chase down our dreams and desires. That's 2012 for me. I never make resolutions because maybe I'm a little jaded, but I think if you're not already pursuing a goal, a simple change in the calendar won't flip some magic switch that will all of a sudden give you drive and discipline to pursue those. But I do set goals. And maybe because I'm a bit of a perfectionist, I actually get pretty angry with myself if I don't reach those. Last year I reached all but one of my financial goals, and I was pretty upset about that one I missed (I didn't buy a motorcycle like I wanted to).

I think most of us start every year with a bit of expectancy and anticipation about what's to come. And at the risk of sounding inflated or hyperbolic, I really think 2012 is going to be the best year yet! Yeah 2011 was great. It was really good to me. And I'm thankful for that. But honestly, looking back, it was a bit of a trial. Crazy work hours, not seeing a lot of friends or family, not really having a home church, a non-existent dating life. Personally, it wasn't the greatest. Professionally, it was amazing! I can almost hear my dad saying that to me this year. Keep on keeping on. Keep up what you're doing and do more. Build on your successes. Stretch yourself. Challenge yourself. Do great things. Dream big dreams. Impress yourself. So, I'm excited about 2012. I don't know what exactly it holds for me. But I'm not hedging my excitement. This is going to be a great year. Professionally, personally, spiritually, this will be the best year of my life so far. And maybe there's a little bit of speaking it until I believe it and believe it until I achieve it alchemy to it, but really isn't that the key to a lot of what we do? So I encourage you--I challenge you. Take all your wins and victories from past years and add to them. Build on them. Challenge yourself. Write down your goals and chase them down. Inspire and impress yourself. Keep on keeping on.

Excellence Now

Growing up in church I got really comfortable with "church speak" or what we would jokingly call Christianeze. You'd hear pastors throw life changing terms around with reckless abandon. 

"Chase after God! "They'd say. "Fulfill your calling" was always popular. And of course, "Change the world!" was a good go-to. 

Did anybody ever stop to think what any of these really mean? Did they ever stop to think the very real implications of what following any of these Christian charges of faith would look like? Any of them. Let alone all of them. I'm not suggesting most of these godly men didn't have my best at heart. But has anyone ever really dissected what any of this looks like? What it really means to truly "chase after God" or to "fulfill your calling?" 

Growing up these were always very dramatic, sensational, emotion-laced commands. These were especially popular messages every summer at the annual Jesus camp. For all the stereotypes you can imagine, these things could actually be somewhat effective and I saw a lot of people really find their stride in God at these things. By the same token, whatever token stereotype of hyper-inflated spirituality you want to tag on these yearly pilgrimages is probably accurate too. But every summer there would be a handful of teenagers or even adults that would come back to the real world with a tangible, marked change in their lives. A few to whom "changing the world" wasn't just a cute form of hyperbole to accessorize their faith with, but a genuine newfound fervor and passion for their Savior. But for many of us, this one week Jesus acid trip was just that, one week of Nirvana on Earth where you could talk big, live right and start or end every sentence with "Amen" and "Praise God." A week where you vowed to give up any and all fleshly pursuits for the higher calling of Christ. Also for many of us, the one-week Jesus honeymoon ended all too soon. Halfway through the year we were reminded of the big changes we promised to make for the Lord and how short we were falling of that. -Where is your fire from this summer? they would ask. 

One of my favorite scenes in The Other Guys is where Mark Wahlberg gives Will Ferrell a very inspired, emotionally-charged speech about being a hero. 

-This is our moment! The city is dying for a hero! And we can be those heroes! 

Will Ferrell's response is excellent. 

-Really? A hero? What about nine million responsible citizens stepping up and doing their part? 

Cracks me up every time! 

But it relates a lot to our faith doesn't it? What does the world really need? A bunch of burnt out Ted Haggards or Benny Hinns? Where the world can't figure out if our faith is for real or if we're a blind, ignorant mob following after these celebrity pastors the way trailer parks across the South chase and profess their faith for WWE wrestlers? What would make more of a difference? Extolling your church's latest monstrosity of an auditorium or quietly living your faith without wavering or defecting? A banner rattling off how many new members you coaxed into the fold or quietly showing love to the man that has his world falling apart? Let me ask you this: which looks more like love? Is it tagging an entire group of people as lazy and stupid when their coping mechanism for this economic environment is demonstrating and picketing? Or is love coming beside them with grace, compassion and love, extending a hand saying -maybe I don't agree with everything you're saying, but I love you as a human. I love you as a child of God. Which is it?

I've been praying a lot lately about what my calling is in this season. What I should really be focused on. Admittedly, I feel as though I could use some re-focusing after this year. If I am completely honest and transparent, I would say I have not been chasing the best God has for me for a little bit now. Yes, I love the Lord, probably more now than I ever have. But the hypocrisy of the church and the bigotry of those professing the faith has definitely soured my view on "fellowship" with those who claim to be the Body. I don't have a lot of that figured out, even now. But I know this. God has the best for me. Now. Not when I'm done grappling with these issues of the faith. Not when I have all the answers. Now. Not when I feel like it. Not when I feel "worthy." Now. 

And this is my calling: to be here. Now. This is my excellence. To walk in faith, to chase after Him in the midst of the wondering and wandering. To trust and walk even when life doesn't make sense. Even when the Body hurts and disappoints. To be the Body to those that may never set foot in a multi-million dollar facility complete with lights, sounds and technology that would rival most concerts today. 

I used to believe that "walking in your faith" a lot of times meant being a Christian with a Bible Man costume buttoned and hidden under your street clothes ready to go at a moment's notice. To preach the faith from the steeples to the mountain tops. To cast out the demons of drinking, partying and overt sexuality from the world around you by casting holy stones and condescending glances at the mention of any of these vices. To be "set apart" meant to let the world know exactly how much holier you were because you didn't participate in these extracurriculars. I'm learning it is the exact opposite. I'm learning that walking in your faith involves a lot more walking and a lot less preaching. In fact, I would venture to say that walking in your faith ought to involve a lot less "set apart" and a lot more doing life together. I was talking to a friend lately that's been burned by the church more times and with more fervor than a heretic in Salem. He said to me -You know, it's sad that the world thinks Christians are full of shit, but it's even more sad that for the most part, they're right. And it resonated with me. That's exactly what the world thinks. That's exactly how they feel. If you're not familiar with Gandhi's quote by now, you should be "I like your Jesus, but your Christians are so unlike him." And sad to say, most of us cannot argue with them. It's like a psychotic relationship the church has with the world it was sent to save. For every example of holy works, feeding the poor, helping widows and disaster relief, there are just as many examples of hate, intolerance and bigotry that nullifies them. Some idiot pastor Tweeting some misogamist message, some church broadcasting and boasting how much good works are coming out of their building, some believer blindly endorsing hateful and racist politics under the banner of 'Christian values.' So yes, the world has plenty of reasons to believe the Body is a limp, useless quadriplegic with only a mouth that moves and unfortunately moves too much and all too often, in the wrong direction. 

So I don't know exactly what I'm doing in this season, if I can be completely transparent. I don't know what the balance is for me between work and life. I struggle with a lot of issues in the church. But I still know this, my Jesus loves me. He loves the world. He wants the best for me and he wants the best for them. And in this season, excellence for me is walking in that, believing that and hopefully having chances to share that with those that have been burned, isolated, ostracized, excommunicated or otherwise forgotten by the church. 

It was in one of those summer camps that I very clearly heard the Holy Spirit tell me this: You are not forgotten. You are not less-than. You are not ignored and you are not alone. I love you and I have the best for you. 

That is my message in this season. I know I'm loved and I'm not forgotten. I know my God is big and my Jesus loves me unconditionally. Unfortunately, there are literally millions of people who have seen or heard someone in the Body show them otherwise. Excellence for me is to be a quiet, understated voice that seeks out an audience and loves unconditionally. A voice that is not boastful, proud, self-seeking or arrogant. I don't have everything figured out personally or spiritually. But I don't have to know everything to know this: I am loved and I am not forgotten. The world Jesus came for is loved and not forgotten. This is excellence for me and maybe in chasing that I can find the best for my life. Maybe in chasing that I can fulfill my calling and maybe in that I can change the world.

You were created to be loved and accepted…

What's amazing about this, is that you already are…the sadness is that few of us grasp this…

Went to see Hillsong this weekend and there was a really powerful moment for me where they stopped to speak for a second and this has stuck with me since. But it’s the idea that when Christ hung on the cross, God took the most vile, most wretched, the dirtiest representation of chastisement, of evil, of sin—the cross, and made it, for all eternity, the one representation of love overcoming sin, love overcoming separation, love overcoming evil, love overcoming all. See, God hanging on the cross was no accident, it was no after-thought. It wasn’t His impulsive correction to our ‘oops’ of sin. The Bible says that He planned this from the beginning. God knew the moment He made man that man would let Him down. That man would separate himself from God and that God would have to fix it. Yet, He still created us. He still breathed into us; He still formed us in His image. Think about that for a second. How many times are we disappointed to find out that the people in our lives aren’t quite as awesome as we wanted them to be? How many times do we ‘cut people’ out of our lives for the sake of avoiding pain? And not that that’s bad; in fact, I’m a huge proponent that it’s healthy to prune your social circle from time to time. But we don’t have the foresight that God has. We don’t have the omniscience to know who will let us down and who will hold true. But God did. God does. Yet, He still chose to form us and more than that, He chose to love us. LOVE. The Creator of the universe, the very same One that holds the universe in the breadth of His hand loves us. He madly, deeply, passionately, insanely loves us. With an intensity and furor that we can’t begin to comprehend. Paul said –I wish you could know how high, how deep, how far and how wide His love is for you… unfathomable. 

So what? What’s gorgeous about the cross is that God took an ephemeral, perceived failure and made it an eternal victory. He did that. He does that. He takes your greatest failures, your biggest hang-ups and your biggest mistakes and makes them the source of your biggest strength. He takes what the enemy put in your life, or many times, what we allowed in our lives and boldly, loudly, vehemently and lovingly declares –you are not a failure! This is not your failing mark! You are not this mistake. Yes, you made a mistake, but you are not a mistake. You may have lost at this, but you are not a loser. I think, unfortunately, many times as Christ-followers we’re really good at accepting forgiveness and accepting the basic tenets of Christianity and we stop there. We think that because God gave us our ticket to heaven we’re set. But no, Jesus came to give us life. Life here, life now. Life beyond abundance. My favorite scripture in Ephesians says that God will take your biggest, baddest, wildest dreams and use that as his starting point for your life. He’ll take what you can’t even begin to imagine and that’s His floor. That’s His starting point. But many times, I think we don’t even to realize how real this love is. This love that saved us, this love that rescued us. He takes the very thing that made us feel like a failure and uses that as a catalyst to make us victors, conquerors, over-comers and all those other cute-sy scriptures we like to quote but never fully understand. 

I think if God would have us understand one thing as His people, it would be this: I love you. I accept you. I love you and I accept you. I know all, I see all, I know where you’ve failed and I know where you’ll fail. Yet I still love you. I still love you and I still accept you. Just how you are. If you never changed anything about you, I would still love you and still accept you…Yes God wants us to grow, yes, He wants us to progress, but if He didn’t love us until we made progress, then it wouldn’t be real love would it? 

I've been thinking a lot about this, and if you can punch a hole in the theory, please do. But I’m starting to believe, that most of our problems, most of our issues stem from our misunderstanding of God’s love for us. And I don’t mean logical understanding, I think a lot of us ‘get’ it. But I mean, intrinsic, deep-rooted, unshakable, understanding of His love for us. It’s a simple theory, but entertain me…if the most powerful, loving, amazing, wonderful Being in all creation—in fact, the Creator of creation, loves us and accepts us, then why do we look for it somewhere else? Because we don’t fully ‘get’ it. But we all do don’t we? We date that girl or that boy for a bit too long because somewhere, on some level we’re waiting for their approval, for their acceptance, their love, when all along our gut is screaming -RUN! She’s crazy! Why do girls have ‘daddy issues’? Because there was a man that was supposed to love and accept them, but failed at it. Why do we, as men, do stupid things to show off our moxie and our bravado in our younger years? Because we want our friends to think we’re cool right? We want to be accepted. I feel like I could write a never-ending list of these things. But it’s true. If we never learn to accept that our God, our Creator, our Redeemer loves us and accepts us, we’ll continue to look for it everywhere else. In our careers, in our cars, in our clothes, in our relationships, in our goals. Can you imagine the power, the freedom, the life we would have if we learned to walk with the understanding that the Father loves us and accepts us? What if you understood this from the beginning? Personally, I can think of a pile of mistakes I would have never chased down if I had. 

I learned that this weekend. I am not my failures. I am not my mistakes. I don’t have to redeem myself, I don’t have to prove myself and I don’t have to barter, plead or beg for love or acceptance. My Father loves me and accepts me for who I am and for what I am. Yeah, maybe it’s a bit campy and maybe even a bit of arrested personal growth. But I’m learning. I’m learning and I’m growing. And for that, I’m grateful. I’m grateful that He loves me and accepts me. I’m grateful I don’t have to seek it out, pursue it, wait for it, ask for it, or otherwise earn it. People won’t always treat you like this, but your Father does. And if you can understand that, it won’t much matter how people treat you. 

2011 is a party…

So how is 2011 panning out so far? Not bad so far. I think I have too much on my heart to really spill all of it here, but I'll try to hit some of the bigger things. Seriously, I have such an expectancy for this year that I'm probably writing on a daily basis, most, I'm obviously not publishing, but God is really pouring some things in my heart here that I'm really excited about.

Integrity. Again. I know I've talked about this a lot over the past six months, but it won't go away. If anything, it's moved itself in and made itself comfortable in my space and invaded just about every nook and cranny it could find. And I love it. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the truth. But this is thankfully one thing God has really been dealing with in my heart. I want to be a man of integrity. I want God to say that I'm a man of integrity. And recently, I've come to a bit of a new understanding of what exactly this is. In 1 Kings 3:6 Solomon says of David …"You showed faithful love to your servant my father, David, because he was honest and true and faithful to you." Honest and true and faithful. David. This dude messed up more times than most other biblical figures, but God still honored him. And loved him. And called him faithful! Why? We've all heard the sermons that David was a man after God's heart etc. etc. Personally, I think the key is in the first two words, honest and true. I'll cut to it. If I can't be honest and true with God, then how can I ever be honest and truthful with anyone else? Not with myself, not with my friends, not anyone I come in contact with. But because David knew God in such a deep, intimate way, he had the allowance to be honest and true with God. If anyone understood God's mercy and grace it was David. If anyone understood God's redemptive power and perfect timing, it was David. I'll never be David; which is probably both good and bad. I never want to steal anyone's wife and then murder the man, but I also will probably never slay a literal giant in front of my countrymen and have the king give me his daughter. But I do want God to say that I have been truthful and honest with him. And for the most part, I am. In fact, that's one of the things that I have absolutely loved about these last six months. It's no secret that at times it's been a bit lonely, a bit disappointing and a bit disheartening. But if there is one thing I learned in the process is to be honest with God. So I am. He's heard my frustrations, he's heard and seen my tears, he's heard my excitement. And I can honestly say that to this point, I've hidden nothing from him. So if David was counted as faithful because he could be honest with God, then honest is what I'll be. Sometimes I tell God how psyched I am about what he's doing in my day-to-day and other days, I just have to be honest and say –God, this sucks! One last thought here, ever notice how Adam, who hid from God, was never described as honest and true? Just a thought.

February is here. And while that is exciting on some level it's also a bit anti-climatic. I've dedicated these last six months to not dating anyone. But I would be lying if I said I didn't want to. More than that though, I want to be a man that can keep his word and can honor a commitment. And not that being single was all that difficult, but it's just one of those things that when you focus on not doing something, all of a sudden it becomes this huge elephant in the room. There were ups and downs at work, with my family, personally; just some good days and bad that I wished I had someone to share them with. But I didn't. And that wasn't horrible; this was just the season God had me in. So what did I learn? A lot, actually. And while I won't pretend like I would not love to have someone to share and do life with, I also don't expect God to magically drop some amazing woman in my life as a reward for some semi-pious endeavor and study into the dynamic of being a single man in his 20s. But none of this changes the fact that God is good to me. All the time. When I feel I deserve it and when I feel like I don't. What did I learn? This might be the biggest thing. Bigger than integrity. Bigger than discipline. Bigger than even the person I marry. I want to look like him. I want to act like him. I want to love like him. I want to hate like him.

I re-discovered what it means to love Jesus on a deep, molecular, root-changing level. I want to be like Jesus. Forgive me if this isn't some Earth-shattering theology or epiphany, but this is what he's spent the last six months engraining in me and maybe just recently allowed me to discover. I want to love like Jesus loved. I want to treat people the way Jesus did. When I try to imagine how Jesus would treat people today, I think of two sets of people that deeply impacted and shaped me to be the man I am today. I want to be as cool as a bartender and as solid as a youth pastor. I think that's how Jesus would do it. For all the years I spent in bars and parties trying to 'find myself' and just being a dumb kid, I always remember the bartenders. Well, sort of remember. But you know what I remember? The bartenders are always the life of the party. They talk to anyone, befriend anyone and serve anyone. And they always want you to have more. The bartender's sole purpose at a bar or party is to make sure you are enjoying yourself. I don't mean to offend anyone's sensibilities about Jesus, but to me, that's how I see him interacting with people. With bad people. With screwed up people. With lost people. He would say things like 'I have life and life abundantly.' 'Drink from this well and you will never be thirsty again.' 'Your faith has healed you.' I don't see a pissed off Jewish guy telling people where they're screwing up, I see a man that loves people and wants the best for people. I want to be that man. Then there were my youth pastors that always believed in me. Even when I gave them no reason to believe in me. They prayed for me, they cared for me and they were there for me every, single, stinking time I dropped the ball and needed an ear or a shoulder. I see Jesus treat people like that too. Who would have the gall nowadays to stand between a woman caught in adultery and her accusers? We're happy with ourselves if we give the homeless guy on the corner our left-overs and make small talk and pretend to remember his name. I want to be like Jesus. I was really good at being a bartender at a lot of parties and I love watching God turn even the most screwed up people-like myself-and give them a purpose, a hope and a life. I want to bring that to people. I want to love like him. I want to love his people—the screw ups, the misfits, the oddballs and even the hypocrites. You know what's crazy? For as much as we like to bash the religious hypocrites, these are the very same people Jesus cried over! How easy it is for me to forget that Jesus loves them too.

I want to hate like him. Yeah, God hates. And I know this is almost taboo to talk about because of all the wackadoos that claim to know who God hates and never focus on what God hates. But I want to hate like him. Read your Bible, there are lists and lists of things God says he hates, injustice, sin, uneven scales, his people not being cared for, hypocrisy. See, God doesn't hate anybody. He does hate things and circumstances. I want to hate the things he hates. I want to hate injustice so much that it moves me to action. I want to hate poverty so much that it brings me to tears. I want to hate sin destroying people's lives so much that it brings me to my knees. I want to bring Jesus to people. The Jesus that loved people and hated sin. Not the bitter, lame, ignorant, handicapped counterfeit so many churches and Christians try to pass off as legit. Not the version of Jesus so many people have seen that it scares them from his church and his presence altogether.

And what about this whole dating sabbatical? I honestly can't tell you how much closer I am to finding my wife now than I was six months ago. All I can do is trust and know that God knows my heart and knows what He's doing. I have to trust and believe his word that he has only the best for me, that he takes my biggest, baddest, wildest imaginations and uses that as a starting point for my life. Who is she and what does she look like? Only he knows. But if the ceiling of my imagination is his starting point, I've given him some pretty good material to start with, but my Jesus has never cheated me and he's never shorted me. So whatever he has in store for me, I know he'll blow my mind. There are some very specific lessons and thoughts I picked up in these last six months that I might jot down later. But for now, I control what I can control and focus on bringing this party to the world. And maybe, somewhere in this big party of the Redeemer gathering his redeemed, I'll find her—sharing her cocktail of love, kindness and cool with this broken world.

 
 

Wrapping and Unwrapping

Welp. Here we are. End of one year and cusp of another. I'll be honest, I never make New Year's resolutions, I think they're a bit hokey and lend themselves to huge failure rates. But recently I have been thinking a lot about this past year and growing more and more excited for 2011. Which, honestly, is really kind of strange for me because I'm really not a big event-type guy. Here's my view: if you weren't doing it before, you most likely will not do it after. And I don't mean for that to sound pessimistic, but I just think it's rational. If you weren't working out and eating right before January 1^st, what makes you think you'll do anything different after? Changes like that are lifestyle choices, in my opinion. If you don't change your lifestyle altogether, a different day on the calendar most likely will not change things for you. That and I worked membership sales at a gym for some time, so I know first-hand how true this is.

I've mentioned this before, but working these wackadoo international hours really gives me a lot of time to reflect-sometimes probably too much. But here recently, it's been good. As I look back over 2010, I can't help but feel thankful for where I am. It has been a good year. It has also been one of the most trying years I've had in recent memory, but it has been great nonetheless. So far, here's a few things that I picked up:

• Cherish friendships. If there is one thing that got me through 2010, it was the people around me. Which in itself is a bit of a contradiction, because this year, more than most, I've let people go out of my life. And not that that's a bad thing, but I realized this year that I was investing a lot of time and energy into friendships and relationships that really weren't reciprocating much if any of that investment. So slowly and quietly, I slipped into the background of a lot of scenes and let my 'friends' seek me out a little more. I had a suspicion as to which ones would and which ones would inevitably fade themselves. And for the most part, I was pretty spot on. I'll say this though, it was a bit surprising when some people, who at one point had poured out their heart and pledged their undying allegiance to our friendship, fell off and became no more familiar to me than my local Starbuck's barista. There were those that I could almost predict were calling for some favor or reference; a job opening, an introduction to so-and-so, who knows so-and-so and just as quickly were gone without so much as a 'thank you.' Or the ubiquitous 'can you help me move Saturday?' friends. But that's ok. That's life. But this, more than anything, taught me to cherish those that are in my life simply because they care about me and want the best for me. These are the ones I invested in and these are the ones that got me through this year.
  
• There is wisdom in counsel. This is one of those things I've 'known' in the theoretical sense, but this year I've seen become more real in my life than almost any other 'epiphany' I can readily point to. In fact, so many of my solid decisions that I've made this year I can point to phone calls made to a select three to four people that honestly took the time to pray for me, pray with me and lend the best advice they could garner from their God-given wisdom.
  
• Take care of yourself. This seems really simple, but I think this, too, has come into a pretty sharp focus this year. It was either Rev. Run or Russell Simmons that said 'you're no good to anyone, if you're not good to yourself.' And I realize that comes across as some privy little fortune cookie quote, but it was really something that stuck with me. Be good to yourself. All the time. As much as you can. And not in a conceited, self-centered way. But I honestly believe I am a son of God. A prince of the Most High. Co-heir with Christ. All those things we're supposed to believe, but we never really do—I mean we don't really believe them in such a deep-rooted way that it shapes our daily lives. So I learned to be good to myself. Maybe it's because I realized I'm closer I'm closer to 30 than I am to 21, but I want this body to last me for a while. I want to play catch and basketball with my kids. And at the rate I'm going, those won't be around for quite some time. So I lift and run and try not to put too much junk in my system. But not just physically—emotionally, spiritually. As much as I can feel when I eat junk food and forget to work out for a few days, I can feel when I haven't been consistent in the Word or forget to include Jesus in my day-to-day. This was also part of the reason I cut off some people from my life. If they became too emotionally taxing, they were gone. And not that they were bad, but I'm good to myself. I respect and cherish myself. So if I don't mistreat myself, why would I allow someone else to? Yeah I'm talking a little about relationships here, but seriously, if you don't respect and honor yourself, why would you expect someone else to? I have this rule when it comes to 'talking' or 'seeing' someone. And maybe it's off and could perhaps use a little tweaking, but it's something like this: I am really, REALLY good at being single and I honestly enjoy it. And, in my mind, if I'm allowing someone else in my world and possibly looking at the chance of starting a relationship with her, she ought to bring more to the table than she takes away. Simply put, if it's harder being with someone than it is being single, what's the point? I don't have to argue with myself when I'm single. I don't have to apologize to myself for being rude or disrespectful. I'm good to me. So if someone comes along and isn't as good to me as I am, I move on. I realize this seems a little ego-centric, but it's a simple cost-benefit analysis, if the person I'm looking to possibly start a relationship with takes away more than she deposits in my life-it is unhealthy. Be good to yourself.
  
• Be humble. I'm obviously still working on this one, but it's one of the things that God's really been pulling on my heart about. Short and sweet—if you have to tell everyone how great you really are, you're probably not that great.
  
• Be who you are and let others worry about whether they like it or not. This year, I've had some pretty good discussions with other Christians on everything from politics, to the role of the church in society to beer. And that's cool. There are some gray areas that are just open for interpretation. I don't think anyone is going to hell for disagreeing with me. But at the same time, I quit worrying about impressing others. I was never very good at it to begin with, so why bother? I am who I am and that's all that I am. Pretty good right? Popeye. It simply comes down to this, if you wouldn't like me for who I really am, why would I mask some of that to meet your comfort level? You can have your views and I'll have mine. I love Jesus and he loves us both, so why sweat the details?
  

And while none of these have really turned into a checklist of resolutions for 2011, there are some definite areas I would like to improve on.

• I would like to make wiser decisions with my life. Now, more than in other years I'm seeing the consequences of making dumb choices when I was a dumb kid in the world. Yeah, there's grace that covers your sin, but there are also consequences for living an undisciplined life. I don't want to have to look back in my 30s and wish I had made better choices in the bottom half of my 20s.
  
• I want to be known as a man of my word. A man of integrity. I think of my dad here. But the man was old-school. I mean old-west, old-school. He was a man that would say no before he said yes to most things. And while that aggravated everything in me when I wanted a new toy, I can appreciate now that he was also a man of his word. If he said he would do something or he would be somewhere you could write it in stone. In fact, in the years he raised me, I can think of only one time he ever said he would do something and it fell through. We were playing basketball one day and had to cut it short. He promised me we would pick the game up the following week, but never did. The reason? Shortly thereafter, he was admitted into the hospital to fight a two-year fight that would eventually take his life. He was a man of his word. He wasn't a man that 'overcommitted' or 'double-booked' himself, fancy lexicon we've come up with today to diffuse a situation when we drop the ball and show there is a flaw in our integrity—a lack in the value of our word. I want to be known as that man.
  
• I think, finally, I want to be more of a man of purpose. I heard from a friend recently that I had not talked to in almost a year and in the catching up, the most honoring thing I think she said to me was 'César, you're a man that sets goals and reaches them.' She reminded me about a year ago when, over coffee, I mapped out my 12, 18 and 24 month goals. Life happened and we just kinda fell off for almost a year, but it was cool to be able to show her how in a little less than a year I was past some of my 18-month goals. I wasn't bragging, honest, we were just catching and she was the one to point out where in the map I was.
  

I want to be more of that man. A man that can reach and achieve. A man that can lead with diligence and honor. A man that can have a life of integrity, honor and honesty. And even if no one is around to see it or cheer for it, I'll be that man. Because if 2010 was any indication, most won't notice and the few that do, most may not care. And that's ok too, I don't do it for anyone to laud and applaud. I do it to impress my God and appease my conscience. And while I know this isn't quite some tangible checklist of resolutions for 2011, this is what I'm shooting for. So bring it 2011. I'm ready for you.

Why Are You Chasing Me?

This is something that has been on my heart a lot lately. I heard it quietly in my spirit some weeks back and has recently become a banner. A loud, obnoxious inescapable question I keep finding over and over again.

Let me explain. I started this whole "I'm not dating" experiment some months back, and not because I thought it would be fun, or even honestly because I thought I needed it. I haven't dated in about a year and a half now. But it started, like many things of the faith do, with a whisper. I felt it in my spirit one day and after praying about it and talking to my counsel about it, we all felt pretty comfortable that this is what God was leading me to do. Shortly after starting this process, I really felt like God was impressing on me that this was a time for preparation, a season to grow and learn and to sort of 'make room' for the woman he has in store for me. So I went with it. I took up cooking, I picked up a few new hobbies, read a few more books—wanna know a secret? I even listened to country music. Crazy right!? Don't be too impressed, it was very sparse and I was very snobbish about it. I listened to like, two songs, and they were either classics-Cash or very well written-Asleep at the Wheel. But point is, for the first part of this, I very much felt like God was literally preparing me for my wife. The balance to this is that I'm not always a hopeless romantic. I try to have a pretty good balance between Cloud Nine romanticism and real life pragmatism. So I insist on opening every door, every time when I'm with a girl, but I'm ok if she picks up the tab from time to time—I'm not trying to go broke dating a girl. So I knew that in this preparation God wasn't necessarily promising me that at the end of this season he would magically fabricate the perfect woman and divinely place her in my world. I try to not treat God like my magic genie. But I knew there was a reason this was the season he had me in.

Lately this season has taken an interesting turn. One of the things I've felt a lot recently is this very question:   Why are you chasing me? Initially, I wanted to have a very holy, Sunday School-esque type answer. Oh thou Lord Almighty of the Heavens, who am I that thou shall thinketh of me? I am but a vessel at thy's…thou's..beck and call…. Haha. Right? But Jesus and I have a strict no BS policy. See, the way I see it, he already knows what I feel and think, so why lie to him about it? And if I was real honest with myself, and with him, I knew what I was doing. I was chasing him in this season and going through this 'exciting' adventure of singleness and learning and 'character growth' really, really hoping that he has an amazing woman for me at the end of all this. A really fine, gorgeous woman that happens to be amazed at the character growth I've experienced and thinks there is an impressive, understated, eloquence to my walk and the discipline and self-control I've exhibited during these last few months. Haha. He caught me. I knew and He knew. While I wasn't necessarily treating God like my personal magic genie, I was definitely in it to see what I was getting out of it more so than out of simple obedience. That's when he said it. Why are you chasing me? Isn't it funny that God will ask you questions you both already knew the answer to? So I went with it. –OK Lord, you know why and I know why. Obviously it's off somewhere or it wouldn't be a topic right now. So what do I need to change? The answer was simple.

Nothing.

              Nothing?

                 Nothing.

Keep doing what you're doing, but answer this: if you got nothing out of this. Absolutely nothing. No wife, no epic life lessons, no promise of an amazing wife, no divine intervention in your dating game—would you still be doing this? And there it was. That's where I was off. While I wasn't banking on the idea that God was magically orchestrating the cosmos to improve my dating game, I was really, really, really hoping he was.

So it comes down to this. Am I chasing him in this season to see what I can get out of him? Or am I chasing him because he's my God and my Father that loves me and wants to spend time with me?

It wasn't the easiest or deepest revelation in this whole season—in fact, I feel like a lot of these 'revelations' aren't really all that Earth-shattering. But it was something I was off on. So here's me. Chasing Jesus on this season he told me to go on, with absolutely no promise of anything. Funny thing is, I don't hate it. I don't want to be uber-pious or anything, but it's ok. He's never cheated me and He's never shorted me. If He has an amazing wife for me somewhere down the line, that's great. If she's just around the corner that would be amazing. If not, that's amazing too. See, while you can chase God for what He has in his hands; I believe, you don't really get to know God and experience God until you stop caring so much what He has in his hands and start seeking His face.

Paul said something like –I wish you were all lifetime bachelors like I'm a lifetime bachelor, for the call of God. I don't think he had a sweet bachelor pad though. But what if? What if that's what God had for you? Would you be willing to chase after that? What's our belief system? Is it that God is bigger and greater than our dreams and wishes? Or is it that He has to fit into our dreams and wishes? I don't believe God will ever cheat you or short you. Ever. "You can't out-give God," that's what the preacher says when he wants you to give more money right? But what if you really can't? What if you can't out-give God and the single life he has for you is a thousand times more amazing than the married life you thought you would have? Crazy talk? Maybe. But what if? What are we really seeking Him for? For what he can give us? Or to give him a miniscule of an offering for the life and salvation He's given us? Maybe he wants me to be single the rest of my life and move to a monastery-that might be kind of cool. Those dudes practice Kung Fu right? Or maybe He wants me to learn to chase him for no other reason than He is God. Either way, I have to trust and know and believe that he is God and he knows what he's doing.

Why are you chasing?

Time Out

I'm a little more than halfway through this little journey I decided to take on. And what's funny is that I feel as though I should be so much wiser and so much more 'enlightened' by now. But sadly, nothing. At least nothing exciting. So what have I picked up in this endeavor so far? Honestly? Not a whole lot. Seriously. But I kind of expected this too. In fact, I knew going into this, that it was more of a 'discipline' exercise than it was a 'huge-earth-shattering-epiphany' exercise. I have learned a little about myself and some about the environment and the season I'm in, but nothing exciting or even all that uplifting. Ha!

But here it is:

• When you're focusing on being single, everyone around you decides to get married. Literally. Everyone. I almost feel bad for how many weddings are going on around me because at this point it's just kind of another date on the calendar for me. Not that I'm not ecstatic for my friends that are getting married and starting this wonderful life together, but when kids I used to teach in Sunday school start sending wedding invitations, it starts feeling more like a joke that's been beat to death than a new, exciting chapter in someone's life.
  
• Which brings me to my next 'revelation.' The danger in being single for so long is that it can make you very jaded and very cynical. This is dangerous for someone that naturally has a no-nonsense approach to romance and life in general, but again, when my old Sunday school kids are getting married, it's hard not to laugh at the irony of it all.
  
• Not thinking about pink elephants will inevitably lead to you thinking about pink elephants. That's the old idiom right? I've been single for well over a year and a half now and for the most part, it wasn't that bad. In fact, I think I got to be pretty good at it. But now that I'm 'focusing' on being single it's like a whole new season just appeared in my life. Nothing has really changed, but now that I'm focusing on it, it seems so much more difficult! It's weird, I'm usually not one of those relationship guys-I mean, I'm not the type that always wants to be in a relationship. In fact, my track record is one where I'm usually single for a very long time before I decide to commit and settle down with one girl. But this season for some reason seems so much more difficult to not get nostalgic or daydream about has been and what could be.
  
• God works in the little things. I don't necessarily think I 'learned' this here, but it has definitely served as a bold reminder. This season has me spending so much time alone that it's like I have no choice but to talk to God. All the time. But this has probably been my favorite part of this whole journey so far. I do almost everything alone. And not in a negative connotation, but I'm pretty consistently on my own, which has forced me to grow and learn about everything I never wanted to know. I've spent more time in the produce section of HEB picking out bell peppers these last few months than I ever have in the last 27 years! But all this alone time, I have so much more time to talk to God. And it's been awesome. I wish this could also mean that I've been a 'great' Christian for the most part, but sadly, I've dropped the ball more times than I'd like to count. I'll spare you the details, but even in my alone time, God has not left me. Which is comforting and sobering at the same time. Anytime I drop the ball, he's there to quickly rebuke and rebut. But on the other side, when I'm feeling just kind of down and out, he's there to encourage and speak life into me. In all this time, I've also gotten some pretty heavy---'revelations' I guess you could call them. Which is also exciting. And scary at the same time. One of the things he's impressed on my heart pretty heavy lately is the desire to pray for my wife. Which I'll be honest, I'm not a huge fan of. I love the idea that I'm praying for this woman that I've never met and that somehow, spiritually, the things that I'm praying for now, somehow have some huge, tangible impact on her life. But honestly, it's hard. It's like if I'm trying not to think about pink elephants but I have to pray about pink elephants at the same time, I'm just pulling at myself from opposite directions…
  

I'll be real here and a little raw. I hate how much this season has made me dependent on God. There. I said it. I. Hate. It. It's hard and it's humiliating. To think that at 27, I still don't have my world put together enough that he has to set me apart for some season of God-knows-what to learn God-knows-what. I feel like a little kid that got grounded. I feel like so much is being taken away from me, even though I never had it to begin with. Like I did something wrong and I'm having to sit in time-out to think about what I've done. And it sucks. It sucks that there's no appeal process, no bargaining, no pleading. Just take it for what it is. And the worst part is, I have a choice. I can choose to go through this season and be obedient or ignore it and do whatever the heck I want. And I honestly wish sometimes, I would just choose the latter. But history and experience have taught me that when I do that, I'll inevitably end up right back here doing this exact same thing, wishing I had done it earlier. It sucks.

So I sit and think. And learn. And promise to grow and be nice and kind and thoughtful and whatever else I'm supposed to pick up from this season. I know this isn't all that uplifting and encouraging, but I just want to be real for a second. I don't like being disciplined. But more than that, I don't like being undisciplined. I've been there. I've made undisciplined choices with my life before and suffered the consequences of it. So if there is a silver lining here, it's a small one. A very small, faint one that I have to cling onto for dear life. If going through a season of learning discipline and building character and integrity sucks. It's infinitely better than going through a life never having learned those things.

And that's what I hold onto. The fact that God knows what he's doing. The fact and the history that he's never let me down and he's never cheated me or shorted me when he promised me something big. So I sit. And wait. And learn. Wishing I could plea and negotiate some sort of clemency, but deep down knowing even if he granted it, I wouldn't take it.

Proverbs 15:5. Only a fool despises a parent's discipline; whoever learns from correction is wise.

What is this for?

This is an interesting season I'm in. I knew it would be a bit desolate, personally and socially, when I walked into it, but I had little foresight into what this would really look like. Sometimes it's fun and exciting, I'm discovering new music, new interests, new hobbies, new friends—I sometimes feel like a puppy wandering outside of my backyard for the first time. I want to smell everything, touch everything, run everywhere…pee on everything! And then there are weeks like my last one. Not as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. A little slower, a little lonelier, a little more boring. And honestly, this is one of those weeks where I wonder: what's all this for? I mean really? Can I explicitly communicate what I'm believing God for, for a minute? At 27, I feel like God has 'told' me to not date, anyone, not casually, not exclusively, not to even have the appearance of dating. To dedicate not just my time, but my energies to being single and focusing on my 'walk' with Him. Does this sound crazy to anybody else? Take yourself out of your Christian box for a minute and look at this on a logical, no-nonsense level. I 'heard' from God? I seriously think anyone in the world would think I'm officially, certifiably crazy. And, some days, I wouldn't bother to argue.

So what is this for? What the hell am I doing? And why? I've asked God these very questions from time to time (this wasn't one of my weeks where I felt everything was 'for' me). Let me give you a glimpse into my day to day. I work international business hours-Australian Eastern Standard Time to be exact. Which means, I work Sunday nights through Friday mornings. On any given day I may get to the office as early as 4pm or as late as 8pm and leave anywhere between 1am and 5am. Insane. And lonely. I sleep later than I would like on most days and talk to fewer people than I would like. I'm in a desert. And for what? Because I think God 'told' me something? I feel like I'm being a bit dramatic here, but is this what anyone in the Bible felt like? You want me to do what God? And go where? And say what? You're trippin.

This week was more interesting than most. I was sick most of the week and I'm just now getting over whatever bug had his way with me. I won't lie, on more than one occasion I was nostalgic for relationships past. I so wanted to have my girl that would come over after work, bring some soup, a Redbox, some meds and just bum with me on the couch with absolutely no regard that I'm unshaven, in sweats and sound like Darth Vader after a second puberty. She'd call and text a few times during the day just to check on me. Honey, do you need anything? How are you feeling Babe? I'm sorry Amor, I'll come over soon. I'd try and talk her out of it because I wouldn't want her to catch whatever I have, but she'd assure me she'll be fine and besides if she did, I'd have to baby her, she'd remind me. But no one was there for that. Kind of. Here's what's funny--when you're growing, at least with me, God will give you outs. He'll give you chances to tap out and take the easy road. One of the biggest things I've had on my heart these past few months has been the word Integrity. Who are you? I ask myself. Who are you really, César? When it's you and Jesus, when you look in the mirror, are you happy with the man that looks back? Not physically—well yeah, a little physically, but character-wise, are you pleased? Can you say that the man you are is the man God can trust? So on more than one occasion, in several actually, I had friends offer to come and do just those things. Girl, friends. Now, I know none of it was romantic. I think I just have great friends that probably know I'm quite inept at taking care of myself most days, let alone when I'm battling a bug. And it was tempting. I even had one friend that I'm pretty comfortable with, volunteer to come and play 'housewife' for a few days. She didn't mean it in any romantic sense whatsoever; she's seeing a great guy, actually. We've just developed a pretty comfortable friendship where we tend to talk about a lot of sensitive things and I think that's the comfort level we're at. But, I had a few chances to have a stand-in girlfriend, if even for a few days. And I didn't want it. I mean, I did. But not from any of those girls, no offense, but I just didn't. I wanted my girl.

See, for me, integrity right now is probably THE biggest thing on my heart. I want to like the man I am. I want to love the man I am. I want to give my wife, my future girlfriend, a complete man. I want to have a walk with God that brings good fruit. No, I'm not perfect. Nowhere near, but I want to have a walk that I can present to my wife and say –here, here's my life before you and without you. Poke around. I'm not hiding anything, I'm not ashamed of anything, I'm not embarrassed of anything. There's nothing to explain away and there's nothing that needs clarification. You're the girl I've been waiting for; you're the girl I've been building for.

I knew a girl who had a guy for a best friend. And that's cool; I think it's normal and healthy to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex. But this one was a bit much. The best friend was like the stand-in boyfriend. They had dinner together, she went out of her way for him on a normal basis, they shared those cute little inside jokes, they were a bit touchy. And that's NOT bad. Some people communicate and are ok operating on that level. But I'm not. And maybe my wife won't be. But I just remember thinking 'when she gets a man, he probably won't like that friendship being so…cozy.' And I don't want that. I don't want to have to explain anything to my wife. There are no 'girl best friends' in my world. No girl that is my stand-in girlfriend. No girl that will have to be removed to make room for when my girl gets here.

So this week was about that. It was about her. I don't know her. I don't know who she is or where she is. I do know that, this week, I gave her my best. I learned a little more about being self-sufficient and a little more about taking care of myself. No one saw it, no one cared. And honestly, it would not have been wrong to take up any of my friends on offers to bring over soup, or meds or just bum with me on the couch. But the absence of a negative does not intrinsically create a positive. You like that? Deep right? Got that from one of my Bible study boys, wish I could take credit for it, but it wasn't mine. Haha. Point is this: I don't want to have a life or track record or closet that my future wife won't be able to poke around in. There won't be any girls to explain away. No girls to remove or replace. And no girls that my wife will look at and think 'hmm….they're really, really close for friends.' So maybe it's not wrong, but it's also not right. Maybe more importantly, it's not my best. And whoever she is, wherever she is, she deserves my best, and she's getting my best. I really do hope she's good at taking care of me when I'm sick though, because I'm miserable when I'm ill. And, no surprise, completely worthless. But that's what this is for. She's who this is for.

I knew this season of preparation was for a lot of things and a lot of projects. And God has definitely placed a lot of things on my heart that I'm going to grow out of and into in the coming months. But I know one thing; very clearly, this season is for my wife as much as it is for me. So maybe I am a little crazy—'hearing' from God and all. And dedicating a season of my life to this 'call' I supposedly heard. But when I look around and see the failure rate in marriages, the heart ache, the tears, the years of rebuilding after a failed marriage, maybe I'm ok being a little crazy. Maybe it's ok to go a bit overboard on the integrity and character building. Maybe, my wife will be ok with me giving her too much. And maybe, just maybe, God knows what He's doing after all and this gem He has for me deserves my best. Deserves my all. So let's keep on. Let's build some character and some integrity and a man she'll be proud to call her husband. Whoever she is though, she owes me some couch time and a few good Redbox movies, retroactively.

For You and Against You

I haven't been able to shake this thought lately: are things happening for you or to you? Or I suppose better yet, is the world for you or against you? Is your life for you or against you?

A few weeks back I was shopping at for a new watch. Not just any watch, I was looking for a very specific watch, I had a specific style I was hunting for that day. I don't usually 'accessorize' but if I ever buy something along those lines, my Dad always taught me to buy quality. And I gotta say, I was feeling pretty good about it. The style I was looking for was very clean, very neo-classic, like something out of Esquire. This was for Cory's wedding that I was 'accessorizing,' so it wasn't just me going on a shopping spree. But the whole day I was looking for very specific items, cuff links, a French-cuff button down shirt, size 17 ½ X 14-15, buttoned double-back suspenders, a very specific belt—I was going for a very classic 'gentleman' look. The type my father sported. And in the middle of this, I couldn't stop but realize how fortunate I really was. It wasn't the clothes or cuff links or anything I was buying that day, but the freedom of having everything paid for for the month, my savings account at a comfortable level, my tithes and offerings taken care of, some local philanthropy checked off, and in the middle of all this, I was shopping for a condo downtown. I felt very, very fortunate. I don't mention any of this to brag. It was all a reflection of what God has brought me from. Not just in the last year or two, but in life. My mom always reminds me how fortunate and 'wealthy' we are compared to the country we came from. In México, it would be unheard of for a family to have two or three cars, let alone every member of that family own their own vehicle, debt-free. I was just really thankful in that moment for the career God has placed me in, the work ethic he instilled in me through Mom and Dad and thankfully, the wisdom and discipline he's taught me here recently to be able to handle all this. Not that I'm, by any means, where I would like to be or that I feel any sense of 'arrived' or 'accomplished,' but I was thankful.

And then I met Patrick. I walked into a watch shop and Patrick was on his cell. He was very curt and disengaged. Being in sales, something that stuck out immediately. So I shopped around a bit, all while overhearing his conversation—we were the only two in the shop, so it's not like I was eavesdropping, but not like I could ignore it either. I asked to see a watch or two and in small talk came to find out that Patrick was going through a helluva time. He was within a few weeks of getting evicted, he hated his job, he had no family here had a huge fall out with the few friends he did have and was either facing homelessness or selling all his stuff to scrape up some money to move back home with mom and dad a few states away. I felt bad for him, but in the moment, I was honestly just kind of listening, but not with a lot of interest. Guess I was really the one who was in the wrong. So I gave him a little bit of an ear, told him I would pray for him and good luck. And walked out.

As I went from shop to shop looking for the rest of my list, I couldn't get Patrick out of my mind. And little by little felt more and more convicted to go and speak life to him. See, there are a lot of 'spiritual' things I don't do well, and that list is pretty extensive. But one thing I feel I've always had a pretty good grip on is what God says about you versus what the enemy says about you, and thankfully, I think, I've always been able to communicate that to people in some sense. Some people call this 'encouragement' I just think it's truth. So it's like speaking about anything else to people. Like another branch of small talk, it all revolves around relatable facts —weather's nice today isn't it? Yeah a little hot, it should reach 90. –Cowboys lost again. Yeah, I really hope they can turn it around. –Oh and by the way, God thinks you're a winner. So, I brainstormed to think of what I could do for Patrick, I didn't just want to go in there and give him some Jesus pep-talk with no tangible sense of help. So I made a couple calls, dug up a few contacts and decided I would send Patrick to a few friends that might be able to help. When I went back to see Patrick he was alone again, still on the phone. He got off and I ran my plan by him. Gave him a number to a place that I KNOW is hiring, gave him the number to someone that is looking for a few roommates and gave him my number if he needed any more help or any other contacts. Now, I don't share all this for some ego-centric expose on what a great guy I am, because I'm not. Pretty sure I wanted to walk away and say a quick 'Jesus, bless Patrick' from my car. It was Jesus that made me go back to talk to him. But, here's why I share this: as I was talking to Patrick and pitching my ideas of whom he should contact and why, he had a rebuttal for everything I had for him. It was incredible! According to him, he had already interviewed at the place and they more or less mocked him and laughed in his face because he was 'over-qualified,' he didn't want to have another roommate that might 'screw him over again' and wasn't even sure how he would move his stuff out. I didn't know what to say. So I ignored his arguments and told him that God has big plans for him. God's plan is for him to succeed and not fail. It wasn't a magic formula, God will bless the man that puts his hand to the plow, but God's plan is definitely not for failure—which I gathered is what Patrick was feeling.

But what really stuck with me was not how beat up Patrick felt, but how much he felt like everything and everyone was against him. And it made me check myself. How many times have I felt cheated and blamed God for HIS oversight that he would allow something so catastrophic to happen to me?! Does he know who I am? Has he seen my resume?! I speak two languages-and studied a third for eight years! I served in youth ministry! Preposterous, I know, but I seriously treat God this way. How many times have I questioned God on his plan for my life? Does he even know what he's doing with my career? Does he know how long I've been faithful? Doesn't he realize what an awesome husband I would make for one of his really, really hot daughters? Why does he allow 'bad' things to happen to me? As I dug up all this within myself, I felt embarrassed. How much doubt and anger have I spewed at God over the years, when in the end, the very thing I was begging him to deliver me from was the thing he used to catapult me to my next 'glory?' For me, it's so easy to forget where God has brought me from. My kids will be first generation Americans and I STILL forget how good I really have it. A lot of times, I have to confess: I get caught up in everything that has 'happened' to me and see it as things that are against me. But when I read the letter he wrote me, he assures me, EVERYTHING works out for my good, because I love him and he's called me, according to his purpose. So why do I trip? Because I'm flawed. There's still a degree of brokenness that God is working out of me. There are still days when I straight tell him, 'God, your plan for my life? Not digging it right now. Gotta level with you Daddy, it kinda sucks.' And I have to realize: my life is FOR me. My circumstances are FOR me. My career and single life are FOR me. Even if at some point, some, if not, all, seem to be against me—these things are all for me. I gave them all to God years ago and at that point he took over and made everything for me. It seems like he knew I would feel like this from time to time. Maybe that's why he says that ALL things work out in my favor and he says things like 'if God is for us, then who can be against us?' These all seem like cute coffee-mug quotes, but how often do we really live like that? How often does God come to us with an amazing plan, an amazing dream, or God-forbid, an amazing opportunity for growth that will stretch us out of comfort zone and we argue with him?! No, no, God, you don't understand, MY circumstances are really, REALLY bad. If we supposedly believe these things, when do we start living like it? Not sure about the rest of you, but from here on out, my life is FOR me. My pain is FOR me. My desert season is for me and my harvest season is for me. And regardless of what growth I go through, it is FOR me. It didn't 'happen' to me, I'm not a victim of circumstance; I'm a son of The King. I'm the one he talks about in the Bible when he says he's counted my hair. I'm the one it talks about when it says that he has great plans for me. I'm the one it talks about when it says that he loved me so much that he gave up his life for me and my sin. My life is FOR me and yours is FOR you. The enemy might try to come and convince you otherwise, but God has big plans for you, and if he's for you, who then, can stand against you?

As I write this, I'm having a hellacious week at work and I'm fighting this cold that's kept me in bed for the better part of the last three days. But it is for me. No, it's not God's plan for me to be sick and why I'm still fighting it, I don't know. Let's not be melodramatic here though, pretty sure it's just a seasonal cold. But nonetheless, this is all working for me-not against me. And your life and your struggles are for you too. Don't cheat yourself out of an amazing opportunity for growth and maturity because you're too far out of your comfort zone. Don't settle for mediocrity in your life because you feel like this is as good as it gets. God has the best for you, go get it.

I really do pray for Patrick, a lot, actually. I know he felt beat up and had an excuse for every solution I pitched at him, but I know my God and my God has big plans for Patrick too.

It’s ok to be lonely.

It occurred to me the other day that in every season of desert there must be a season of loneliness. I suppose I let my naïveté get the better of me to not realize this sooner, but I hadn't given much forethought to this 'desert' season I'm in. When I really think about it, it makes complete sense that every analogy of God building you in the desert goes hand in hand with you being alone. To be frank, when it first occurred to me that I would have to encounter and maybe worse yet, embrace this season of loneliness, I really just kind of shrugged it off. I think it was my own way of not dealing with reality. You know how some people will ignore life hoping it'll just go away and they'll wake up to find everything better? I think that was my initial reaction the first time this thought crossed my mind.

But here I am. Lonely. And I guess it's not so bad. Honestly, I think I probably brought a little of this upon myself. A few months back, I started praying –God, make me completely Christ-sufficient, not man (or woman) dependent. It's how I took up cooking. I realized, in the most non-chauvinistic way possible, the only real reason I would ever 'need' a woman in my life is because I was completely inept at feeding myself. I was eating a lot of tuna and PB&Js and going through the exact same repertoire of foods day to day. Because, somewhere in me I thought I would just lack that part of my life until I found the woman that was supposed to fulfill it. When I realized this, I concluded that this was a deficiency. Here's my theory: I don't want to be needed. I don't. I don't want my wife to be with me out of necessity. Sure it sounds romantic and sweet to look at someone and say –I NEED you in my life. But do you really? If you do, it almost seems kind of sad. A symbiotic relationship based purely or even partly on a lack of something. I don't want to be needed, I want to be chosen. And I really don't want to need anybody. I would much rather look at my wife and say –You're getting a complete man. I don't need anything, I don't lack anything, I don't need you to fill any emotional holes in my life or otherwise. But, Honey, I WANT to be with you. I want to spend time with you because you make me smile, you make my life easier and I enjoy being around you. You don't complete me, but you complement me. So I started praying, God help me to cook (seriously, I did), but more than that, help me to rely 100% solely, purely on you. Make me a complete man that lacks nothing, so when I choose my wife, I can, with integrity, tell her that she is my chosen. Not my nanny, or my mommy, or my silly putty to fill some void in my life. But my chosen.

Guess I really didn't that one through. Or really think he was listening. Turns out, he was.

I've been looking for a new home church lately. Nothing bad happened, no Earth-shattering event, no juicy gossip to pass on, I just felt like moving on. Two things I've learned so far. One, God is faithful. He is really, really, REALLY faithful. Every service I've sat in, every worship song I've sang seems like it has been a divine appointment for me. Like the Holy Spirit called ahead and made reservations for me. I've been dealing with some junk in my heart lately that honestly, needed to be sorted out and God's been faithful to point this out and bring it out of me. From being a light in your corporate world, to not holding grudges to the enemy attacking you with past sin. All of it has been for me. Songs about grace, new beginnings, His unending love for us. All of it. And I learned that he's faithful through my mistakes. I realized today, I haven't prayed one second about this move. I felt an inkling in my gut that it was time to move on and God stayed with me. Not one second of –God, what do you want for me? Not one thought of –Father, lead me. Nothing. Just up and moved. Truth be told, it was maybe a little out of resentment, but nothing too deep or anything I want to share here. But today, I gently felt the Spirit of God speak to me –Where am I in this? It was in the middle of worship. And I knew exactly what he was referring to. Not the worship, not the service, but me. Where am I in the middle of this? I felt so bad. Like when you're dating someone serious and you completely run them over with no regard for their schedule, their feelings or their input and you realize all your plans for 'us' were your own. I felt that today. But even in my failures, in my selfishness He's been faithful to provide and been faithful to steer and been faithful to not forget about me, but rather cater to me and love on me and provide for me. It seems like that's what unselfish love looks like—giving the other person their way even when you KNOW you're 100% in the right and they're 100% in the wrong. Can't say I've ever been that selfless in my life. But in this, I learned love. I learned that he provides and I learned He's with me in my loneliness and my selfishness.

I don't mean to be melodramatic, but have you ever looked for a new church on your own? It's lonely. Literally every service I've been to I've known no one (except for one, but that one wasn't on my plan, it was an invite to go see a friend lead worship). And that's kind of ok. In this season, God is rearranging me, building me, molding me. He took Moses, David and Jesus all out in the desert before he did something great with them. He took their gifts, their talents, their desires and stirred them, fueled them, uncovered them and birthed them. So here I am. A little bit lonely, but for a good cause. A little scared, but protected. A little bored, but fulfilled. I know my God is with me and I know he won't leave me. So even if in this season I have to see almost no one and be around almost no one and miss everyone. I know I'm not alone.

I honestly don't know what's going to come of this 'shifting' season. Like I said, I honestly haven't even prayed about it. So I'll pray and I'll walk and I'll take a wrong turn or two. I'll run and stammer and climb and slip. But I'll walk with my Jesus and I'll fill you in when I know.

-César Ivan.

Wisdom of a Man

A little bit ago I had lunch with one of the few people in my inner circle, one of my mentors who I consider part of my 'council.' See, I'm fortunate to have a very small, select group of people in my life that has full access into my life and into my heart. This man blows me away every time I talk to him—and oh we talked. He's a talker, I'm a talker, our 'quick' lunch meeting turned into a two hour brainstorming and sharing session. But he blows me away every time I talk to him—the dreams he has and chases at 50+ years of age, the way he believes and pours into those everyone else has checked out on—including me. I can honestly say he's one of the few genuine men I know in life. Anyways, he shared some life advice with me that I've been chewing on ever since that I just can't get over.

I was sharing some of my dreams and plans for this next season in my life and I was telling him how I feel like I have this huge sense of urgency. How I think I might have finally figured out that my time on Earth is finite. And because of that, I feel like every step in my life has a bit of a 'hurry up' aspect to it. I want to hurry up and get these promotions. I want to hurry up and finish my undergrad and start my MBA. I want to hurry up and get so many things and milestones accomplished that sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge of spreading myself out too thin, and I haven't even done anything yet!

-Slow down. You're young. And believe me, you have time.

And this helped. I needed to hear that. I've felt like God's grown me so much and I feel like sometimes he's so quick to show me maturity that I feel like I'm 27 going on 40. It was good to hear from someone that's been where I'm at and done what I've done that my life is not a long list of to-do's. He encouraged me to enjoy the ride. Enjoy the season I'm in without losing focus on where God is leading me. You CAN do both—he assured me.

Which brought up dating. I almost hate talking about this so much, but this part of my life, or absence out of my life rather, seems to be a theme for this season I'm going through. We were talking about how I love being single. How I'm great at it, I could write a book about it, I could make a career out of it—all the jokes. But it was really cool to hear the perspective from someone that's coming up on 25 years of marriage!

-Enjoy your season brother. Enjoy where God has you, enjoy being a single man and all that has to offer, but don't let the enemy distract you. He'll try. He'll try hard. Stay focused. And know two things: what God has called you to and that what he's called you to is more amazing than anything you can come up with. The woman he has for you will blow you away. She'll be prettier than you can imagine. She'll be more amazing than you can imagine and she'll be more fun than you can imagine. She may not be exactly what you think you want, but she'll be exactly what God knows you need. Marry someone that you can hang out with—all the time. Marry your best friend.

And that last part really stuck with me. There was a time when this was really a huge focus for me. If I could sum up my wife in a phrase, that would be it. I've always wanted to marry my best friend. But I've been single for so long and good at it for so long, that honestly, I just kind of put that priority list on the backburner. It was really good to hear from someone older and wiser that the wants that are deep in my heart are right on track with what makes a solid marriage—even 25 years later.

-Maximize where you're at. God will give you opportunities and lead you. He'll change gears on you and change seasons on you, but at all times maximize where you're at and take advantage of every opportunity God has put in front of you. All of them. Because you never know, that smallest opening, could lead to a huge breakthrough in your life.

And this, this, really helped. It's no secret that God has definitely changed gears on me in the last 12 months. After feeling like I was completely done in the corporate world and exhumed to never see it again—here I am. Back at it, climbing this ladder as fast as my human talent and ability will possibly let me, but all with a renewed purpose and drive in my life. What's amazing is that now, I can actually tell you, I have a passion for it! Weird, I know. Who has a passion for the corporate world? But when you understand the big picture and what God can do through these corporate channels, you get a little excited. The world I grew up in, I grew up coveting. I grew up wanting. Lacking. There was never enough. There was always a need. And the youth of my people, unfortunately, are in the same position. Mom and dad work two to three jobs at a little above minimum wage, just to maintain. So when these boys that are coming up in the hood see a drug dealer or a tough guy banging, they want that. They want the toys, the chains, the rims, the girls, the façade of prosperity and success without ever realizing that the life they envy and covet is a short road to a dead end stop. So if I can come from where they came from, and do what they wish they could do without the drugs, the guns and the violence, my success in the corporate world is now the hope for a generation of up and coming Latinos that only know 'clean' success in theory. That have only ever heard of these stories the way you and I hear about that guy that made it big in the NFL or made it through the last bubble and bust unscathed. So now this land God has me in carries a weight. It has a purpose. These promotions and raises are only tools. Tools to pour back into a people and generation chasing the wrong things and wanting the wrong things. Is it all about the monetary gains? No not at all. But if I know my Jesus. My Jesus will meet you where you're at. And it's much easier to get a Latino youth to listen to you when you have what they want. And when they ask why we do things differently? When they ask why I decided to take a different path for my life? Or here's my favorite: Mister, why did you do bad things and then decide to stop? What changed? That's my tee-ball baby! Oh you really wanna know? You sure you wanna hear what changed in my life? Sit down son, let me tell you about my man Jesus and what he did for me, my family and you and your family…

I'm fortunate to have incredible people in my life. Incredible people that believe in me, root for me and want the best for me. A lot of people don't and that's ok. There will always be people that doubt you, people that count you out. Even worse, people that 'have your back' only to peace out when your life doesn't meet their purpose. But every once in a while, you'll find a leader, a mentor that will have your back, that will believe in you when everyone else doubts. These leaders, these are the ones that will stick it out with you and believe in you when no one else will, they'll believe you can overcome any odds, do anything you set out to do. The rest? Who cares? They counted you out to begin with; who cares if they're in your corner or not? They'll only leave the first time you take a punch to the chin and God forbid you take stumble; they'll be on the other team's bleachers betting against you before the count hits three. But those that believe in you. Those that were in your corner when no one else was? Those that took a chance on you? Prove them right.

I thanked him for that, by the way. I thanked him for sticking with me and believing in me when a lot of other people didn't.

-I believe in you brother. I'm in your corner and I'm rooting for you. God is for you and I'm for you.

I'm fortunate to have people like this in my life.

Life Coach…

I've been chewing on this idea lately that I really want to be a life coach. When I worked at The University of Phoenix, part of my job entailed taking people from where they were to where they wanted to be. It was actually one of the most rewarding parts of my day-to-day, to take someone that had not sat in a college classroom in years, if ever, and help them take that first step to fulfill what was for many, a life-long dream. To draw out the courage and fear in them, the excitement and the hesitations to help them see why their dream could very much be a reality, a difficult reality, but a reality.

I think, for a lot of us, it's easy to look at our current situation and see the hurdles, the obstacles, all the reasons why not. But sometimes, I think, it takes an outside perspective to see the silver lining, to see the hope, to see the reasons why a dream is a possibility, to see how it can become a reality. And honestly, for most of us I think it's really just small changes. I mean, really, what's the difference between sitting in front of the TV playing Xbox all day and sitting in a classroom for five hours? Location and activity. Tiny changes. But you do one for four to five years and you have a college degree, you do the other and you have a collection of games you can maybe sell on Craigslist for $100. Right?

But change can be hard. If I'm honest with myself, more times than not, I really dislike getting out of my comfort zone. It's hard! I'll share a secret here. Until probably about six months ago, I didn't realize that a lot of change is actually permanent. I know, shocker right? But I had a small epiphany a while back when I realized that most of the change in my life is actually here for good, not just on a visit. I'll never be 25 again. I'll never have some of the jobs I've had. I'll never see some of the people I used to see. Life changes. And because of that hesitation to accept change, I think a lot of times people get stuck wishing and waiting for the past to come back. Maybe that's why there are so many quotes on moving forward. 'Your windshield is bigger than your rearview mirror for a reason,' 'Your eyes are in the front of your head so you can look forward and not backward,' etc. A lot of them are kinda gay. But I suppose they hold some truth right?

I was telling Cory the other day that when I was reading about the Israelites' journey, a few things really stuck out to me, especially as I was beginning this new trek in my life. First, the journey was only supposed to take nine days. The Bible says that from Egypt to the Promised Land was a nine day walk. What's that? Like a few hundred miles? And somehow they managed to screw it up bad enough that God had to keep them in the desert for 40 years. In fact, they screwed it up bad enough that the first generation never made it! Secondly, is that not only did they screw it up for a long time, but they screwed it up early! I mean, think about it, how hard is it to be faithful to God for nine days? All they had to do was to be 'good' for nine days and they screwed it up. So they screwed it up early and finally, they screwed it up a lot. Not only did they go wrong early, but they couldn't fix their act for 40 years. And I guess it's easy to be on this side of it because I've never walked through a desert. But really, how many times have we done that? We get on a 'diet' or workout plan only to fall off the wagon within the first few days or first few hours even. How many times have we been at an altar call, bawling, eyes puffy, snot running, promising God with all our might that our sin is done. That our sin is nailed on the cross or laid at the altar, or whatever pious imagery you want to convey, only to go home and drop the ball that same week? I know I've done all of it. A lot. If I told you some of the times I dropped the ball with God and the context within which I dropped the ball, you wouldn't help but think I'm half devil or half retarded. But trust me, I have.

But I don't want to be that guy. I don't want to be the guy that God gives a great opportunity to and can't be faithful. The guy that can't be faithful to God for nine days or 40 years. And a lot of my life is great. I'll be honest, I love my life right now.

We had Cory's bachelor party this weekend and it was amazing. A lot of guys showed up, we all pitched in and covered Cory's paintball, lunch, got him a pretty nice cigar, all of it. It was exactly what I was hoping for as the best man. And I couldn't help but look around and realize how awesome my life is right now. My best friend is marrying another one of my best friends and they're both amazing and amazing together. My little brother starts an amazing job next week—in MY office, a really sweet gig for being 20. I'm on the cusp of one or two really nice promotions. I'm moving downtown soon. Life is really good right now. And the great thing is that I know God is only making it better. But really, how great is my life? I mean it's a subjective measure right? I love my life. But does that mean God has nothing more in store for me? I have to believe he does. And while I have no metaphorical bondage or slavery that I'm asking God to deliver me from, I know he's called me on this journey. And I know he's spoken some very clear things in my heart. And I want to be faithful to those. I want to be the guy that made the trip in nine days, not in 40 years, or worse yet, didn't make the trip at all.

So how would I coach me? Little changes. I would take where I'm at and the things I'm doing well and do more of them. Work just a little harder. Study a little more. Meet personal deadlines a little quicker. And take those things I'm not so hot at and improve those little by little.

I want to be the man that one day can look at my wife and say, 'Honey, I can be faithful to a God I can't see, I give you my word that I'll be faithful to a wife I can hold.' Forgive me if that's cheesy, but that's a word I've very specifically heard in my heart over and over these last few weeks. I want to be the man that can pour into the youth of my people and give them authenticity. I want to be the man that can steward little. I want to be the man that God can trust with $5 and $5 million. I want to be the man that can be a great man for his friends and a great man for his wife.

So changes. Little ones. Baby steps, and lots of them. So here I go, coaching my first client, pro-bono. He'll test my patience; he'll probably slack at times and then put himself through a guilt trip he can't bear. He'll have amazing victories. He'll experience great triumphs. I'll reward him and discipline him. But I believe in him, he won't let me down. He's God's creation and in him lies the King's greatness and the King's potential. It all starts with changes. And we're starting some this week.