Keep on, keeping on...

Sometimes it seems as though people have a kind of revolving door in my life. Maybe it happens to other people too, but I can only speak for myself. There's a season--maybe a long season when people are in my life and they're definitely friends, sometimes even pretty good friends. Then in a very natural way most people fade away. Sometimes it's a slow fade, like when Summer fades from Texas--it slowly starts to cool, then there might be a sporadic day or two where it gets up past 100 degrees, but slowly and surely the heat leaves. Sometimes it's like when Fall leaves and Winter begins, one day the air is crisp and thin and without warning Winter shows up with a violent, biting chill and maybe a shower or two. And you know Fall is gone.

I have an odd pattern that I repeat at every interval. Initially, I don't like most of these changes, but as the months go by, I slowly become accustomed to the different winds, different droughts and different rains. I even start to like most of them. Then, as they fade away I always want one more day. One more day at the lake, one more day of football, one more day of hoodies and jackets. But like many other things, I can't control these changes. I can only control how I react to them. It seems silly to think of wanting for Winter so much that I would dress in hoodies and jackets in the middle of July, but sometimes in my personal life, I do just that.

If I dislike seasons changing on me, I absolutely abhor people changing on me. Not in a selfish, oppressive way-that I don't want my friends to experience change and growth. I just mean that I don't like when God brings seasons of change and people fade in and out of my life. It makes me miss the last season. Sometimes it makes me really, really miss the last season.

But what can I do? I don't wear hoodies in May or flip flops in February. Keep on keeping on. Seasons return. Sometimes friends return, changed, experienced and able to walk with me through a new chapter in this story. Sometimes, you get friends that remind you of old ones, maybe some of the same mannerisms, some of the same qualities but definitely not your old friends. Not in a bad way, just different. Summers come and go, some Summers are scorching, some are just really hot, but there will always be Summer in Texas. And there will always be change. So what do I do? Keep on keeping on. And know and believe that whatever season God is fading me in or out of will at some point become comfortable, maybe even enjoyable. And for the seasons gone? Hopefully some, if not most will return.

Cash N Go...

When I was in High School I used to work at the Clay Madsen Rec Center which had pay days every other Friday. I normally wouldn't get off til about 6:30-7ish, well after my bank had closed shop til Monday. So if I wanted any spending cash for that Friday and the weekend I had to always cash my checks at this seedy little gas station that had a Cash N Go or QuickCash or MoneyCash or whatever it was called (these places always seem to have some convenient name with the word 'Cash' in there somewhere) and wait til Monday to deposit into my real bank. This was back in the days before direct deposit was common place. After some time the nice gentleman of Arab-descent that ran the Cash place knew me pretty well. Although the first few times it was quite an ordeal, I had to show my Driver's License, Social Security Card, take a digital thumb print, take a mugshot, provide a phone number, mom's maiden name, dog's name, secret fear, deodorant type, etc. But once Mr. (I forgot his name) knew me, it was pretty painless, show up, cash my check, buy some gum or Mexican candy, make small talk and enjoy the weekend. After I graduated I got more or less a 'real' job and discovered the beauty of direct deposit, so I saw Mr. Arab-descent less and less. If I happened to be in the area, I might stop by for gum or Mexican candy or gas. After even more time, I just happened to frequent the area less and less. I can't tell you honestly the last time I stepped foot in the one-stop shop, although I drive by it about once every six months and get a little nostalgic. If I had to cash anything there I'm sure I would have to go through the initial interrogation process all over again.

Many times it seems we (err, I, but to diffuse my own guilt, I'll group any of you reading this into this category) treat our friends this way, isn't it? We go through these seasons where we pour and pour into each other. Call each other, hang out, go to lunch, dollar movies, encourage each other, pray for each other, speak life into each other, etc. What some shrinks might call make 'emotional deposits' into each other. And we get pretty close. We get to know each other and have no problem being buddies. Sometimes we keep these friends around for a really long time. But sometimes, as it happens in my life, these deposits into people around me tend to dry up. In fact, it's like sometimes I start to draw more out of people than I deposit. If you've been around me for any amount of time, you know I'm not always the most patient or lenient person when it comes to certain things. Don't touch my food. So I sometimes make some withdrawals from our 'emotional bank.' And little by little we deplete our deposits into our friends and it's like we hurt our credit score with people.


It's my experience that many times, these withdrawals are unintentional and many times almost innocent oversights. The scenario in my life tends to play out something like this: friend A expects Y from friend B (usually me) either through inferred communication or an explicit expectation -Hey are we still good for Tuesday? -You got it!. Friend B is a knucklehead that doesn't realize or overlooks the expectations that friend A has and friend A is let down. Withdrawal. Let's be real, as friends there are certain expectations and standards we have of one another. After all, isn't that why we allow people in our world to be more than just acquaintances? I strongly believe the difference between an acquaintance and a close friend is the level with which you can trust someone with your heart and your life. If someone can't be trusted to steward a small part of your heart, life and feelings, how much can you trust them to be a friend? After enough of these withdrawals or maybe just one huge withdrawal or even just lack of deposits, Friend B has a less than positive credit score with Friend A. Soon enough Friend B will try to make a withdrawal and realize that Friend A is no longer extending a credit line to Friend B. Familiar? No? Maybe just my world.

Here's what I'm getting at: as people, we have certain expectations from each other. Especially as friends. I would encourage you to try to live up to those expectations, especially if you set them, but nonetheless live up to them. If I tell you that you're a great friend of mine, you should expect for me to carve out some time for me to hang out with you. If you matter to me, expect for me to make you a priority in my life. If your feelings are important to me, expect for me to not be a jerk to you. If I'm interested in your life, expect for me to inquire about your world. A lot of times I don't do these things. Not that we are to live our lives with the focus of pleasing people, but we are called to be people of integrity. We're called to love God and love each other. Many times, I drop the ball on this. If I've ever set expectations for you or in your world that I failed to live up to, I'm sorry. If I've ever had less than stellar credit in your world, I'm sorry. I admire, appreciate and love all the friends in my life and I know how much it sucks to be let down and to be disappointed. If I've ever made you feel like this, please forgive me.


³⁴ But I say, do not make any vows! Do not say, ‘By heaven!’ because heaven is God’s throne. ³⁵ And do not say, ‘By the earth!’ because the earth is his footstool. And do not say, ‘By Jerusalem!’ for Jerusalem is the city of the great King. ³⁶ Do not even say, ‘By my head!’ for you can’t turn one hair white or black. ³⁷ Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one.
Matthew 5:33-37 NLT

Kionda Compa!

Part of the growth that comes from difficult seasons is that if you're introspective enough, you hopefully learn some truths about yourself and the world around you. Through all this I've had some people hurt my feelings, some aggravate me and others love and encourage me. So I've been kicking around this thought for the last few days: who are my friends? and how can I tell? Seems simple enough right? But it's not. Can I give my friends some sort of badge or call sign to identify them? Can I revoke it when they're no longer a friend (yeah I think I've come to realize that just because some people were at one point considered a friend, doesn't mean they'll always diligently carry that label). There's Fran the towel lady at work who gave me her box of peanuts that one day she overheard how starved I was. Does that make her a friend? There's Ben the ultra ripped 40-something year old that's a regular at my café who I share pleasantries with. Does that make him a friend? What about Zadie the neighbor down the street that brings over home grown tomatoes every season? Pretty obvious these guys aren't. But then there's those gray areas that some people wade into (and I really don't like gray areas, so maybe that's why this issue has been taking up so much mental real estate lately). Katherine, for example, was for some time just a co-worker, but after hanging out with us long enough and being freaking cool, is definitely a friend! And at some point don't all friendships start off that way? You meet someone you're indifferent about, hang out long enough or talk long enough to realize you have some common interests and gradually you share in each others' worlds more and more. Does anyone really encounter a complete stranger and anoint them a 'friend' after introductions? Of course not. So how can I tell the difference?

Last night Andy and I got to pray with a buddy of our's that's going through a 'character development' season in his life right now. At the end he kinda stopped and said -I thank God for friends like you. That simple phrase sent my trickle of thoughts into a flood stream of ideas and categories. So as best as I could decipher, I think I now know who my friends are. And because I'm a man and I have a compartmentalized vantage point of the world, this is the best I could come up with.

Acquaintances: Pretty straight forward, I somehow know you, or may just know of you. We might even share pleasantries or an occasional laugh but nothing more. Nothing against you and nothing for you. Clean slate to move forward. Many times this is where 'circumstantial friends' develop.

Circumstantial Friends: We're not really on any level of depth, we're homies almost because we have to be. Reminds me of Asa, this really genius kid I went to school with that developed his own periodic table or something crazy like that. We were lab partners once and traded phone numbers and emails, but after the lab and the semester was done we made no attempt to stay in contact but would say hi anytime we passed each other in the hallway.

Necessity Friends: Personally, I hate being this friend and making people feel like they're this friend. We're not really great friends, but because you somehow always need something from me you pretend like we are. Truth be told, if you took a pop quiz of my life, you would score a solid 40%. You don't really know much about me, if anything. In fact, some of the most basic info you may be clueless about. How many brothers do I have? How many sisters? When did I get saved? Where did I go to school? Who's my favorite country artist? You don't know because you only call when you need a favor or for guys especially, this happens all the time, when you need help moving (aaaargh!), but other than that I'll realistically never hear from you until the next time you need something else. Be careful, if you treat people like this long enough, you won't be considered anyone's friend and when people recognize you as a necessity friend, they'll begin to ignore you. And then you'll have to move your own boxes and heavy furniture. This reminds me of ...............psych! I'm not gonna blast anyone publicly. Ha!

Yeah, We Cool Friends: Almost like a promoted acquaintance. We're cool. We might even be really cool. We hang out, we might share the occasional inside joke or hand shake. We probably know some basic info about each other. Most people in my life are here. And that's cool. I'll gladly help you move because we also hung out last Tuesday when you had everyone over at your pad for board games or whatever. We might even have the occasional 'deep talk' about life or Jesus or girls (they're all silly and make no sense). This is a cool place to be.

We Used To Be Cool, But Then....Friends: Yeah we used to be cool, but then that one time he/she acted a complete fool and then I realized he/she was crazy/rude/mean/shallow/self centered/a mooch/etc. Or it may have been after a multiple series of events i.e. only calling when they need something. These people are like the dude at work that was a manager but jacked around long enough that he got an ultimatum from the Department Head-would you rather be fired or be demoted? And because homeboy had bills to pay he had to take the demotion. So he knows the system, he knows the in's and out's but has no access to the safe, the money or any other sensitive materials and doesn't get invited to the super fun manager meetings. At some point we were cool, maybe even really cool, but after you acted 'a fool' you got demoted because you didn't get fired.



Cosa Nostra: You're my boy Blue! Weller says this a lot and it seems to fit here: I didn't get to pick my family. I got to pick my friends. And you know, sometimes I would rather hang out with my friends! There's different levels of security clearance I have here, but these people are mi gente. My homies por vida. I will fly with you to edges of Avalon! And maybe some of the only ones that get these references. But we talk, and probably pretty regularly. And if we don't, I know next time I hear from you, it's not because you need help moving a washer or your grandma's 1960's TV set that is built into a solid oak box and weighs 89 tons. No friend, next time I hear from you it's because you want to hang out and do life together. It will be because you looked up and realized it's been some time so you just wanted to call and see how my life is going. You'll ask about my family (who by now, is probably your family too). You'll ask about me and Jesus. Me and girls (they're all silly and make no sense). Me and life. You are the circle that knows me in and out. You've seen my good and my bad. Some of you have probably seen me obliterated out of my mind stumbling down 6th street some years back and you've seen me cry in worship at Celebration. We're not friends because we have to be, we're not friends because you need something from me. We're friends because at some point we've poured into each other enough and realized this life is a little bit easier playing wing man for each other.

I realize this might seem like a very egocentric view of friendship. And you might be right, it's not all about me, but you know what, sometimes, it is a little about me. Especially when it comes to picking my friends.

¹² This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. ¹³ There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
John 15:12-13 NLT

I thank God for friends like you.



Post edit: I have no sisters, unless you count Omar or Nicky when they're being crybabies. :) And country music is the sorriest excuse for noise to be labeled as music and like stabbing needles in my ear drums. Just FYI.