Kionda Compa!

Part of the growth that comes from difficult seasons is that if you're introspective enough, you hopefully learn some truths about yourself and the world around you. Through all this I've had some people hurt my feelings, some aggravate me and others love and encourage me. So I've been kicking around this thought for the last few days: who are my friends? and how can I tell? Seems simple enough right? But it's not. Can I give my friends some sort of badge or call sign to identify them? Can I revoke it when they're no longer a friend (yeah I think I've come to realize that just because some people were at one point considered a friend, doesn't mean they'll always diligently carry that label). There's Fran the towel lady at work who gave me her box of peanuts that one day she overheard how starved I was. Does that make her a friend? There's Ben the ultra ripped 40-something year old that's a regular at my café who I share pleasantries with. Does that make him a friend? What about Zadie the neighbor down the street that brings over home grown tomatoes every season? Pretty obvious these guys aren't. But then there's those gray areas that some people wade into (and I really don't like gray areas, so maybe that's why this issue has been taking up so much mental real estate lately). Katherine, for example, was for some time just a co-worker, but after hanging out with us long enough and being freaking cool, is definitely a friend! And at some point don't all friendships start off that way? You meet someone you're indifferent about, hang out long enough or talk long enough to realize you have some common interests and gradually you share in each others' worlds more and more. Does anyone really encounter a complete stranger and anoint them a 'friend' after introductions? Of course not. So how can I tell the difference?

Last night Andy and I got to pray with a buddy of our's that's going through a 'character development' season in his life right now. At the end he kinda stopped and said -I thank God for friends like you. That simple phrase sent my trickle of thoughts into a flood stream of ideas and categories. So as best as I could decipher, I think I now know who my friends are. And because I'm a man and I have a compartmentalized vantage point of the world, this is the best I could come up with.

Acquaintances: Pretty straight forward, I somehow know you, or may just know of you. We might even share pleasantries or an occasional laugh but nothing more. Nothing against you and nothing for you. Clean slate to move forward. Many times this is where 'circumstantial friends' develop.

Circumstantial Friends: We're not really on any level of depth, we're homies almost because we have to be. Reminds me of Asa, this really genius kid I went to school with that developed his own periodic table or something crazy like that. We were lab partners once and traded phone numbers and emails, but after the lab and the semester was done we made no attempt to stay in contact but would say hi anytime we passed each other in the hallway.

Necessity Friends: Personally, I hate being this friend and making people feel like they're this friend. We're not really great friends, but because you somehow always need something from me you pretend like we are. Truth be told, if you took a pop quiz of my life, you would score a solid 40%. You don't really know much about me, if anything. In fact, some of the most basic info you may be clueless about. How many brothers do I have? How many sisters? When did I get saved? Where did I go to school? Who's my favorite country artist? You don't know because you only call when you need a favor or for guys especially, this happens all the time, when you need help moving (aaaargh!), but other than that I'll realistically never hear from you until the next time you need something else. Be careful, if you treat people like this long enough, you won't be considered anyone's friend and when people recognize you as a necessity friend, they'll begin to ignore you. And then you'll have to move your own boxes and heavy furniture. This reminds me of ...............psych! I'm not gonna blast anyone publicly. Ha!

Yeah, We Cool Friends: Almost like a promoted acquaintance. We're cool. We might even be really cool. We hang out, we might share the occasional inside joke or hand shake. We probably know some basic info about each other. Most people in my life are here. And that's cool. I'll gladly help you move because we also hung out last Tuesday when you had everyone over at your pad for board games or whatever. We might even have the occasional 'deep talk' about life or Jesus or girls (they're all silly and make no sense). This is a cool place to be.

We Used To Be Cool, But Then....Friends: Yeah we used to be cool, but then that one time he/she acted a complete fool and then I realized he/she was crazy/rude/mean/shallow/self centered/a mooch/etc. Or it may have been after a multiple series of events i.e. only calling when they need something. These people are like the dude at work that was a manager but jacked around long enough that he got an ultimatum from the Department Head-would you rather be fired or be demoted? And because homeboy had bills to pay he had to take the demotion. So he knows the system, he knows the in's and out's but has no access to the safe, the money or any other sensitive materials and doesn't get invited to the super fun manager meetings. At some point we were cool, maybe even really cool, but after you acted 'a fool' you got demoted because you didn't get fired.



Cosa Nostra: You're my boy Blue! Weller says this a lot and it seems to fit here: I didn't get to pick my family. I got to pick my friends. And you know, sometimes I would rather hang out with my friends! There's different levels of security clearance I have here, but these people are mi gente. My homies por vida. I will fly with you to edges of Avalon! And maybe some of the only ones that get these references. But we talk, and probably pretty regularly. And if we don't, I know next time I hear from you, it's not because you need help moving a washer or your grandma's 1960's TV set that is built into a solid oak box and weighs 89 tons. No friend, next time I hear from you it's because you want to hang out and do life together. It will be because you looked up and realized it's been some time so you just wanted to call and see how my life is going. You'll ask about my family (who by now, is probably your family too). You'll ask about me and Jesus. Me and girls (they're all silly and make no sense). Me and life. You are the circle that knows me in and out. You've seen my good and my bad. Some of you have probably seen me obliterated out of my mind stumbling down 6th street some years back and you've seen me cry in worship at Celebration. We're not friends because we have to be, we're not friends because you need something from me. We're friends because at some point we've poured into each other enough and realized this life is a little bit easier playing wing man for each other.

I realize this might seem like a very egocentric view of friendship. And you might be right, it's not all about me, but you know what, sometimes, it is a little about me. Especially when it comes to picking my friends.

¹² This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. ¹³ There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
John 15:12-13 NLT

I thank God for friends like you.



Post edit: I have no sisters, unless you count Omar or Nicky when they're being crybabies. :) And country music is the sorriest excuse for noise to be labeled as music and like stabbing needles in my ear drums. Just FYI.