Oh, But Sometimes How I Wish You Could

Remember how I mentioned earlier that you can’t un-jump a cliff? Oh man, some days I really wish you could. Or at least have some sort of guarantee you’ll land softly.

After three days of this adventure, I’ve found myself bunging between uncontainable excitement and anticipation for the coming months, for the work we’ll do in this city, for the impact we’ll have on this generation and for the course all of this will set my future on—only to be matched by an almost insurmountable amount of fear and doubt. To call this journey an adventure is a very unfair and almost trite labeling. But I don’t know how else to describe my days that seem to develop literally hour by hour into a big, beautiful mess of ideas, projects, debates, stress and success. One hour there’s 37 of us in a room brainstorming ideas on how to reach an audience of 300+ teenagers and the next we’re trying to matriculate these brainstorms into tangible poster boards, flyers and chicken suits.

I joined this internship with the hope that I would learn enough about myself and enough about Christ that hopefully I would strive to be a whole lot less like me and a whole bunch more like Him. So far what I’ve learned is that I am fully capable of experiencing fear, stress and disillusion. Some of my annoyances and insecurities have definitely surfaced from some deep crevasses I thought I had done a pretty good job of hiding and covering. One hour I feel as though I am fully capable of leading any youth and/or college group in America, perhaps the globe; and the next I find myself wondering what madness possessed me to join a “cult” of 18-20 something year olds volunteering 10 months of their lives to spread this ludicrous message of Love, hope and redemption. Some minutes I feel out of place and somehow incomplete. As though all my flaws and insecurities are being broadcast from my every word, action and nuance. As though my every thought is being formed in a transparent skull, free and nude for the world to see and judge. Some minutes I can’t stand the way some of my intern peers communicate, don’t communicate, laugh, chew and walk. Others I’m filled with amazing love and compassion for all of them that it’s easy for me to see how Christ can love all of us despite, and maybe even because of, our flaws. Some minutes I’m seconds away from tapping out, packing my suitcase and calling it a day. And others, I wish I could squeeze every ounce of knowledge, wisdom and experience from Jonathan and every other person around me. Most instances I choose to stay.

As I continue this trip and delve deeper into what I’ve been called to do, I can only hope Jesus doesn’t quit on me and helps me to reciprocate the same. And sometimes a rewind button on my life would be cool too, or at least a soft place to land for when He asks me to hurl myself from a perfectly safe, manageable place without forethought or concern for my comfort or safety, because I have an itching suspicion this won’t be the last time He’ll ask me to trust Him like this. Pray for me and enjoy the adventure with me.