You can't un-jump a cliff...

I used to have a huge aversion to change. Not really sure why, I just really enjoyed things staying just the way they were. Somewhere in the last few years, I've come to the other end of the spectrum where I think I've come to realize that the status quo a lot of times leads to stagnation.

My friends laugh at me because six months ago my prayer was almost a very pious 'Jesus, I want to grow (yaaayy!)!' Ha! Some days I very selfishly and lazily regret those prayers. I leave this weekend for Burnet, which isn't a huge move by any means, but it's definitely a big move psychologically. I'll be living in a house with people I didn't chose, sharing a room with people I may or may not like doing things I probably didn't sign up for. I know a lot of the people doing this internship and for the most part everyone is really cool, but like my mom says 'Caras vemos, pero corazones no sabemos.' Roughly translated: people can be sketchy sometimes. And I think what scares me is not that people can be rough around the edges once you really get to know them, but that I know I'm called to love everyone. Even if, especially if they're annoying. My default setting right now is that if a situation or person really irks me, I simply remove myself from that environment and either decompress until I can handle it again or just cut that person/situation off altogether. I don't think I'll have that safety blanket for the next 10 months.

I also realized that tethering this line between work and ministry has turned into a sort of shelter from each other. If one gets to be too much, I can simply throw myself into the other one. I no longer have this option. The moment I asked my friends and family to support my endeavor I lost the privilege of mundanities. I feel as though the minute I accepted God's call on my life I became accountable to the gifts and talents He's given me to walk in this calling. So now I've effectively taken away my options to hide when things get rough and wade through my day to day as though I'm the only person affected by the outcome of my actions. Which I suppose in the grand scheme of things is good. You can't grow without change and you probably can't change without growing even a little bit.

After all these insecurities, I find myself oddly excited and filled with anticipation. It's like that moment you jump off a cliff right before your feet leave the edge--you either go hard or you risk injury. If you don't jump as hard and fast off the ledge you just may not clear the rocks below. BUT the adrenaline and rush of free falling to find out if you cleared the rocks is enough to keep you coming back summer after summer. I'm also amazingly blessed and encouraged to see and receive all the support from friends and family. It has been such a neat experience to see people pour out all sorts of support-donating to my garage sale, prayers from friends, envelopes full of money, encouraging notes, completely unmerited favor... It's like God was just waiting for me to commit to this calling and then He was able to open all sorts of doors in my life.

As I sit less than a week away from this next huge step in my walk, I can't lie and say I don't have a case of the butterflies. Part of me wants to call everyone and tell them I was just kidding. But when you're sitting at the edge of a cliff and all your buddies are cheering you on, and you take those first quick steps toward the edge, you quickly realize you can't un-jump a cliff. Pray for me.