My Protection.

Lately I've had Psalm 91 HEAVY on my heart. Specifically verse 4:

He will cover you with his feathers.
      He will shelter you with his wings.
      His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

As I look back over last year to where I'm at now, I won't lie to you, it was definitely one of the MOST challenging years of my life. If I had to describe it in one word, it would be death. I remember having these feelings of desperation where I felt like nothing was going right-I wasn't going right. I remember being mad at God for not showing up for me and protecting me from all this death. I hate to sound trite, but it really is the only way I can describe what last year felt like. And so many things in my life died last year. So many things that I held on to for dear life, simply passed away and faded. Non-negotiables that I banked my life on all of a sudden had vanished. I don't know how other people handle loosing things in life, but for me it was somewhat of a character check. I wish I could say I never doubted God and I never got mad at Him, but truth be told, I did. I was so confused as to why God would allow so much in my life to slip away without so much as a second thought. Later on I became mad at Him because I couldn't understand why He would let me get so attached to people and things that were simply not meant for me. I was hurt. I felt unprotected. Vulnerable. For a man, these are not good things to feel. And little by little, I think I began to understand that maybe that was the point. When I came to a realization that my little 'grown up' existence I had created for myself was all a farce, I had no choice but to run into the wings of my God. It didn't make it much easier at first, I still wanted for those things, those situations. But you hang out with God long enough, you get to understand His voice a little better and if you listen hard enough, you get to understand His heart as well.

His heart was never to injure or cripple my life. It's been all along to protect me. To protect me from a mediocre life I was creating for myself. In short, to protect me from myself. See, I had grown so complacent and so selfish that I couldn't see past my wants, my dreams, my desires. And while all those are great things to have, they had become my idols. The very things that were driving me were slowly suffocating the life out of me. My idols were slowly, but surely bringing death. So while the season I went through to let all those things out of my life hurt, I found my way home. I found my way into a new, safe place with my God that holds complete protection for me. Under his wing. Tucked away in his feathers. It's still a little scary for me to think of losing things or people in my life that I care about, but as I look back over the last year where so much in my life died, I'd like to think that when God says no death will come near me—He means it. He will and He has protected me from a final death, a death that was slowly eating away at me.

 

How did all this come up? I'm going into yet another new season in my life. It seems like now I'm hitting one every quarter. And I'm a little scared, but more of a scared with anticipation—like when you're sitting at the top of a rollercoaster hill about to drop. And while I'm a little scared and almost hesitant to face this new season head on, I know my God is here. I know I'm tucked away under his wing. Does it mean life is handed to me on a silver platter? Absolutely not. Does it mean I'll never struggle? I wish. But it does mean that even when things seemingly 'die' in my life, I'm protected under his wing, I'm in His shelter. Another one of my favorite Psalms (92:13) says this:

Those who are planted in the house of the LORD
         Shall flourish in the courts of our God.

And that's very much how I feel right now. I feel as though my season of death, my season of pruning came and went and just about everything in my life is flourishing. And while there are still parts of my life and my heart that God is hashing out and pruning off, I very much feel like God has brought me into a whole new season of flourishing. There are still absolutely desires and wants that I've stored in my heart and I believe God will bring those too, to pass, but for now and forever, I know I'm tucked away under his wing. Under his feathers. Letting Him be my protector. So even when I feel scared and vulnerable, I know He has me. He has my back-even when it feels like He's the only one that does. Death has lost its sting under His wing.

 

Abba Father,

Thank you God that you have always protected me. Thank you that even in my foolishness, you were there to catch me. Thank you that your grace and mercy covered and protected me when I made other things idols in my life. Thank you for protecting me from death. And thank you for this season of providence. Lord, you know my heart, I give you those wants and dreams and trust that all that will come in your good and perfect timing. I love you Jesus.

-César Ivan.