Where Am I?

I was going through an old email account today and had to sort by contacts to find the last time I got an email in that account from someone I actually knew. It was from exactly a year ago this month. It was some friends of mine that moved up north and email every once in a while. The next one after that was from '07. I know I've mentioned this before but I couldn't help but to think back to what I was doing this time last year.

I was making more money. I had a pretty sweet corporate gig. I was in a pretty good relationship. I was shopping for a new truck. I ate lunch at Whole Foods just about every day. Worked out semi-consistently. All in all, I thought I was in a pretty decent place. But the more I reminisce to that time, the more I remember feeling decayed inside. You ever see a piece of wood that is rotten inside? A lot of times you can't tell just by looking at it, but the minute you pick it up and try to use it as anything functional: a walking stick, a bow staff, whatever, it quickly disintegrates and crumbles under its own weight. You usually find these random sticks on the ground under the shadows of the live, strong, flourishing trees. It's the same type of wood, same composition, same family—just hollow inside. I felt like that this time last year. In fact the more I try to remember 'good times' from last year the more I recall times where I let somebody down, times where I stressed too much and times where I really felt like I had no clue what I was doing in life. Not that any of those things were in any way bad in my life, I just realize now how much I had placed them-all of them above the one thing that has ever brought joy in my life. Not ethereal, fading happiness founded in things and circumstances and day to day situations, but true, deeply-rooted, unwavering, persistent joy. See, somehow I lost sight and forgot that all of these things in my life were never meant to be the source of my joy, the source of my peace and security. They were all byproducts of the Source and my connection with my Source. In fact, I remember times when I would cry out to God in bed and wonder what was wrong with me? God, where am I deficient? Where am I missing it? Not that he didn't answer; I just didn't want to hear it. See, the luxury with serving an invisible God with unending grace is that when he nudges you to move is that you can roll over and fall asleep. My God loves me enough and has enough grace for me that it's like he gave me a mute button for him. Or sometimes it seems, at least a volume control.

So I went on doing what I was doing, still mostly unfulfilled and wondering why God wasn't answering. When all along it was me that wasn't listening. Again, I emphasize that not any of those things in my life were bad on their own merit. In fact, they were all very good things, the job is still one of the coolest I've had, the girl is still a great friend, and trucks, well trucks are still pretty sweet. What was off was my focus. I had slowly rearranged my life into a comfortable, dull existence that I was slowly becoming very uncomfortable and bored with. So little by little God had enough grace to budge me out of my uncomfortable comfort. I left the gig, bounced around for a little bit looking for a new "career." The relationship ended. And I quit wanting for more stuff in my life.

So now, I live in Burnet. Regularly put in 12-15 hour days. Took a significant pay cut (corporate talk for I'm broke). And have no clue what I'll be doing in seven months, let alone have a structured, operational 5-year plan. And I'm happy. Not just happy, but I found my joy again. See my joy never left, I just misplaced it. In a very real sense of the word, I misplaced my joy. So where am I? Figuratively speaking, I have no clue. Spiritually speaking? Right where I should have always been. Connected and operating with my God the Source of all I ever have or ever will need.

 

 

9 Hours Til Kickoff

I can't begin to put words to the sheer giddiness and excitement I feel about tomorrow, err, later today. In a turn of amazing grace and luck my good buddy Andy got us two tickets to this year's UT-Oklahoma game. As I sit and try to contain myself, it's hard for me to not contextualize the parallels in my life right now.

This is actually the first time I've been to this amazing circus of a game and needless to say, it's exhilarating. We went to the State Fair today and the atmosphere was thick with excitement, anticipation and the smell of every fried food ever conceived by man. Everyone here seems to be in a sort of calm trance before the storm. I can't help but feel a little of that myself in my personal life. I remember when I told Jonathan (the director of the internship I'm currently serving in) all the things God had 'taken out' of my life in the months prior to me joining the internship, he made the analogy of an archer drawing on the string of his bow. At one distance, it's not too difficult to draw the string back and release, but the more you draw on that string, the more tension you build and obviously the more speed and distance the arrow covers. For some time I was a little bitter and bent out of shape at God, Jonathan, my friends, my roommates, my old job, my neighbors, my post man, my high school counselor, my neighbor's dog and just about anyone and everyone else I had come into contact with in the last 26 years. Because I felt like somehow I had missed out. Somehow I had missed out and it was everyone's fault. Somehow I had missed out on that awesome career, that awesome girlfriend, that awesome life. But as I let more and more stuff slip out of my life, God has been faithful to replace those things with more amazing opportunities and more amazing responsibilities I could have only imagined a few months ago.

Last week Jonathan let me have some creative control and direction with our campus ministry at UT. I was honored and excited at the same time. A few days after that, he offered me the opportunity to speak at our next service while he goes out of town. It took me a little bit to realize that I am effectively 'living my dream.' For the last three years I have been praying, bribing and pleading with God to allow me to be a part of full time ministry in almost any capacity, but specifically with youth and college aged students—not that I necessarily adore the 14 hour days, not that I enjoy this perpetual feeling of 'what am I forgetting?' not even that I like the stress of trying to come up with some semi-entertaining material to hold a college audience captive for about 30 minutes. But I genuinely, truly love pouring into people in that age group—I'll save the details for some other time, but that has honestly been my heart for about three years now. And the opportunity to do that at UT—the greatest school in the world?! I can't begin to put words to the sheer giddiness and excitement I feel about this opportunity. I'm not playing in any grand arena—we meet at The Union in front of a Wendy's and next to a Taco Bell, but the opportunity to speak into the lives of college kids at the greatest school on the planet? Yeah I get a little psyched about that. So enjoy the calm before the storm my friends, enjoy the corn dogs, the friend Oreos and fried ribs. Tomorrow is Game Day and as long as I've been a fan, my God has always shown up and done something amazing. Come along, let's watch Him run up the score. Blessings.

My God is Not a Bully

I've actually had a ton of things brewing in my mind and heart as of late, just not any time to put these things on paper. But for the sake of time, and because I have a 13 hour day tomorrow, I'll make a half-hearted attempt at being brief.

I guess the biggest issue I've had to come to wrap my mind around lately is that the past is gone. I know a lot of people realize this and it might seem a somewhat non-issue to them, but to me, especially as of late, it seems like a brand new revelation. I came into this internship with the thought that I would grow a little, learn a little and maybe grow a beard and in 10 months I would just come back to find my neatly planned life waiting for me. Like a song that you just put on pause and come back to when you're ready to finish it. The more I go through my hours, days and weeks, the more I realize this is just not so. Not so at all. In fact, I think this is why Paul said to forget the past and reach for what was ahead. As I try to hold on to the mementos of my past life, I realize more and more that in 10 months, I'll come out of my self-induced monastery and life will have continued on without me. Friends will be married, friends will be promoted, and some friends will be gone. I won't lie and pretend like this doesn't scare me at all, because it does. But I'm learning to become more and more comfortable with the idea—or at least to tolerate it a little bit more. Baby steps. Kinda like how you tolerate the idea that you need a vaccine, even if it comes in the form of a cold, piercing, jagged piece of steel. Seems the more mature you become, the less and less the idea of a needle ought to scare you. Sometimes I wish my maturity would catch up to my logic.

But something is different. In me. The more and more I fret about it, the more my logic leads me to realize that I really only have two options: live in nostalgia and longing for what is gone or learn to develop a genuine, palatable excitement for what the next 9 months will bring and tackle it like a short chubby kid trying to tackle the varsity running back—probably very clumsily and definitely with some pain, but a heck of a story to tell at some point down the road.

I realize a lot of what I wished for three months ago may never be there again. And I don't want to be bitter about. I don't want to be sad about it. I don't want to cry about it. Even though all these emotions take their turns at attempting to beat down my heart, I know God has something amazing in store somewhere down the road. As one of my intern buddies pointed out today—my God is not a bully. If he allows something to slip out of my life, I can only believe he's also creating room for something more amazing to make its way in. So I thank my God that he's not a bully that takes my lunch money and laughs in my face. He's not a forgetful God that he would overlook me. And he's not a man that he should lie to me. When he promises me that when I delight myself in him he'll give me the desires of my heart, I know he'll deliver. When he promises me provision, I know he'll send it. When he promises me an easier load to carry when I yoke myself to him, I know he'll make good. And when he promises me he'll never leave me, he'll never forget about me—I know he'll show up. Why? Because my God is not a bully that he would promise me the stars and the sand and then decide it was all a mean, cruel joke. So come with me. Pray with me. Cheer with me. Praise with me. And watch my God put on a show.

 

 

 

 

A fat kid snowboarding...

I've been using the analogy of a fat kid learning to snowboard a lot recently. It seems to very much describe this phase of my life recently. The first few weeks of this internship I felt as though I had a vague, general idea of what I was supposed to be doing but spent most of the time fighting gravity trying to pull me on my butt. I felt very clumsy, very much out of place and very awkward.

I wouldn't consider myself an expert by any means, but one month down and nine to go, I think I at least have a slightly better idea of what the mountain feels like. Definitely a lot of ice and snow caked on my butt and some soreness and bruising, but praise God, it's better. Honestly, it is a lot like snowboarding--as soon as you stop fighting the gravity and just learn to use it, and even enjoy it, snowboarding is a lot more fun. I feel as though last week I finally shed some weight off my heart and I'm fumbling around a little less--still a lot, just a little less. It's amazing the freedom and gait you discover when you let go of things that are completely counter-productive to your adventure.

So keep praying for me. I'm on the side of a really steep mountain trying to make it to the bottom without the help of snow patrol and hopefully relatively unscathed and maybe even somewhat recognizable. Where God decides this fat kid needs to trail, we'll see.

Keep on, keeping on...

Sometimes it seems as though people have a kind of revolving door in my life. Maybe it happens to other people too, but I can only speak for myself. There's a season--maybe a long season when people are in my life and they're definitely friends, sometimes even pretty good friends. Then in a very natural way most people fade away. Sometimes it's a slow fade, like when Summer fades from Texas--it slowly starts to cool, then there might be a sporadic day or two where it gets up past 100 degrees, but slowly and surely the heat leaves. Sometimes it's like when Fall leaves and Winter begins, one day the air is crisp and thin and without warning Winter shows up with a violent, biting chill and maybe a shower or two. And you know Fall is gone.

I have an odd pattern that I repeat at every interval. Initially, I don't like most of these changes, but as the months go by, I slowly become accustomed to the different winds, different droughts and different rains. I even start to like most of them. Then, as they fade away I always want one more day. One more day at the lake, one more day of football, one more day of hoodies and jackets. But like many other things, I can't control these changes. I can only control how I react to them. It seems silly to think of wanting for Winter so much that I would dress in hoodies and jackets in the middle of July, but sometimes in my personal life, I do just that.

If I dislike seasons changing on me, I absolutely abhor people changing on me. Not in a selfish, oppressive way-that I don't want my friends to experience change and growth. I just mean that I don't like when God brings seasons of change and people fade in and out of my life. It makes me miss the last season. Sometimes it makes me really, really miss the last season.

But what can I do? I don't wear hoodies in May or flip flops in February. Keep on keeping on. Seasons return. Sometimes friends return, changed, experienced and able to walk with me through a new chapter in this story. Sometimes, you get friends that remind you of old ones, maybe some of the same mannerisms, some of the same qualities but definitely not your old friends. Not in a bad way, just different. Summers come and go, some Summers are scorching, some are just really hot, but there will always be Summer in Texas. And there will always be change. So what do I do? Keep on keeping on. And know and believe that whatever season God is fading me in or out of will at some point become comfortable, maybe even enjoyable. And for the seasons gone? Hopefully some, if not most will return.

ROI (return on investment)....

So I wish I was uber positive and had a million amazing things to write about this week. But, I think I've always teetered more on the side of realism and caution.

So this week was a little rough. I'm starting to realize exactly how far out of my comfort zone I've wandered and I'm not really sure if I like it. Obviously, this program wasn't meant to make me comfortable and certainly no one consulted me as to what I would like and not like. And in a Sunday School way, I'd like to say that if it's hurting my flesh, then it's working right? But man, it's not comfortable! I don't necessarily enjoy feeling restricted, or patronized, or babysat, or honestly, necessarily enjoy doing grunt work. I know it's all for 'The Kingdom' and it's all for a greater cause. And I know I probably shouldn't complain or grumble, but I'm just being real. If Jesus prayed that discomfort (albeit on a much grander scale) would pass him by, I figure I can too. It's a strange feeling to realize that when some of my peers were in middle school figuring out locker combinations and taking 6th grade P.E. I was graduating. Some hours it feels like not only did I downshift my life, I changed to an entirely new vehicle.

There are definitely still a lot of positives about this whole thing. After a week it seems as though all the guys are really getting a lot more comfortable with each other--this week we had wrestling matches, farts, and really no one in our house wears shirts and/or pants after a certain hour. It's also exciting to see people come out of their shells and step into the calling God set out for them. It excites me to be able to mentor some of the younger boys and be able to take a back seat and let someone else take a leadership role and watch them learn and grow in that position. I guess, sometimes, it's almost easier to believe for and be excited for someone else's calling and life more than mine.

I suppose it's all in how you look at it. Right now it's hard for me to ignore my discomfort. It's hard for me to ignore everything I 'gave up' in taking on this internship. I guess this is what 'walking by faith' feels like. I don't have a clue what happens in 10 months, I don't know what all God is doing--I honestly don't know anything that He's doing. I just know that when people complained to Jesus about all they left behind to follow him, he simply said they were more or less investing and were promised a 10-fold return. I have to believe my God is not a liar. I have to believe my God keeps his promises. And I have to believe that at some point, through all this, I'll look, talk and love more like him--and in the end, it will all have a purpose and an amazing finish. I have to believe.

Oh, But Sometimes How I Wish You Could

Remember how I mentioned earlier that you can’t un-jump a cliff? Oh man, some days I really wish you could. Or at least have some sort of guarantee you’ll land softly.

After three days of this adventure, I’ve found myself bunging between uncontainable excitement and anticipation for the coming months, for the work we’ll do in this city, for the impact we’ll have on this generation and for the course all of this will set my future on—only to be matched by an almost insurmountable amount of fear and doubt. To call this journey an adventure is a very unfair and almost trite labeling. But I don’t know how else to describe my days that seem to develop literally hour by hour into a big, beautiful mess of ideas, projects, debates, stress and success. One hour there’s 37 of us in a room brainstorming ideas on how to reach an audience of 300+ teenagers and the next we’re trying to matriculate these brainstorms into tangible poster boards, flyers and chicken suits.

I joined this internship with the hope that I would learn enough about myself and enough about Christ that hopefully I would strive to be a whole lot less like me and a whole bunch more like Him. So far what I’ve learned is that I am fully capable of experiencing fear, stress and disillusion. Some of my annoyances and insecurities have definitely surfaced from some deep crevasses I thought I had done a pretty good job of hiding and covering. One hour I feel as though I am fully capable of leading any youth and/or college group in America, perhaps the globe; and the next I find myself wondering what madness possessed me to join a “cult” of 18-20 something year olds volunteering 10 months of their lives to spread this ludicrous message of Love, hope and redemption. Some minutes I feel out of place and somehow incomplete. As though all my flaws and insecurities are being broadcast from my every word, action and nuance. As though my every thought is being formed in a transparent skull, free and nude for the world to see and judge. Some minutes I can’t stand the way some of my intern peers communicate, don’t communicate, laugh, chew and walk. Others I’m filled with amazing love and compassion for all of them that it’s easy for me to see how Christ can love all of us despite, and maybe even because of, our flaws. Some minutes I’m seconds away from tapping out, packing my suitcase and calling it a day. And others, I wish I could squeeze every ounce of knowledge, wisdom and experience from Jonathan and every other person around me. Most instances I choose to stay.

As I continue this trip and delve deeper into what I’ve been called to do, I can only hope Jesus doesn’t quit on me and helps me to reciprocate the same. And sometimes a rewind button on my life would be cool too, or at least a soft place to land for when He asks me to hurl myself from a perfectly safe, manageable place without forethought or concern for my comfort or safety, because I have an itching suspicion this won’t be the last time He’ll ask me to trust Him like this. Pray for me and enjoy the adventure with me.

I saw a shirt today that said 'I love haters'....

And I thought it was funny, but my integrity and pride wouldn't let me buy it. Why? Because I don't love haters (something I gotta work out, I know). Ha. Pretty straight forward right? And I know it's meant in jest and I know that it speaks to the 'shake them haters off' mentality. BUT I can't help but be extremely, utterly, agonizingly annoyed by haters...or in my world, fakers.

Wanna know what keeps people out of church? And in a very real sense away from Jesus? It's not that we don't have enough lights-God knows we put on a small rock concert every Sunday and Wednesday. It's not that we don't have enough 'amenities', it's not even the messages. Ghandi said "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." And I think that's a very fair perception the world holds towards 'Christians.' We go to our services once, twice a week, we become borderline groupies when we have a guest speaker, maybe we even take notes and serve on some sort of ministry. But when we leave that building, we are the same hypocritical, back-stabbing, gossiping heathens we were before we got 'saved.'

I think this is what keeps people from church. Oh but it's not about the numbers right? People will come when they feel 'lead'. FALSE! When you're talking about people and souls connecting with their Creator and ultimately their destiny, it very much is about the numbers because every single number represents someone that came to Christ. And people will never feel 'lead' when all they see from this organized religion we so earnestly cling to is a mob of liars and hypocrites.

Are we called to be perfect? No. Absolutely not. But when someone asked Jesus to sum it all up for us and put His entire message in one cute little nutshell, what did He say? Love God and love people. A lot of us get so caught up in our lofty, self-serving 'callings' that we somehow think we're exempt from loving God and loving people. Oh yeah we're amazing speakers, we're amazing organizers, we're amazing artists, etc. But what are we doing to love people? We can't even love the people we worship with, let alone people outside of our church building. How are you showing love? Are you gossiping? Are you being rude? Are you judging? Because all those things are things that can easily be found in the world. So if we have nothing better to offer our neighbor than a rock concert and free babysitting, what is going to bring people to Christ?

I challenge you: forget about your 'amazing' calling and 'heart' for whatever ministry you think you're called to. Try to stretch yourself beyond your own comfortable sphere of self service and get back to the basics. Love God and Love People. And from here on out I, too, commit: I love haters. And fakers.

You can't un-jump a cliff...

I used to have a huge aversion to change. Not really sure why, I just really enjoyed things staying just the way they were. Somewhere in the last few years, I've come to the other end of the spectrum where I think I've come to realize that the status quo a lot of times leads to stagnation.

My friends laugh at me because six months ago my prayer was almost a very pious 'Jesus, I want to grow (yaaayy!)!' Ha! Some days I very selfishly and lazily regret those prayers. I leave this weekend for Burnet, which isn't a huge move by any means, but it's definitely a big move psychologically. I'll be living in a house with people I didn't chose, sharing a room with people I may or may not like doing things I probably didn't sign up for. I know a lot of the people doing this internship and for the most part everyone is really cool, but like my mom says 'Caras vemos, pero corazones no sabemos.' Roughly translated: people can be sketchy sometimes. And I think what scares me is not that people can be rough around the edges once you really get to know them, but that I know I'm called to love everyone. Even if, especially if they're annoying. My default setting right now is that if a situation or person really irks me, I simply remove myself from that environment and either decompress until I can handle it again or just cut that person/situation off altogether. I don't think I'll have that safety blanket for the next 10 months.

I also realized that tethering this line between work and ministry has turned into a sort of shelter from each other. If one gets to be too much, I can simply throw myself into the other one. I no longer have this option. The moment I asked my friends and family to support my endeavor I lost the privilege of mundanities. I feel as though the minute I accepted God's call on my life I became accountable to the gifts and talents He's given me to walk in this calling. So now I've effectively taken away my options to hide when things get rough and wade through my day to day as though I'm the only person affected by the outcome of my actions. Which I suppose in the grand scheme of things is good. You can't grow without change and you probably can't change without growing even a little bit.

After all these insecurities, I find myself oddly excited and filled with anticipation. It's like that moment you jump off a cliff right before your feet leave the edge--you either go hard or you risk injury. If you don't jump as hard and fast off the ledge you just may not clear the rocks below. BUT the adrenaline and rush of free falling to find out if you cleared the rocks is enough to keep you coming back summer after summer. I'm also amazingly blessed and encouraged to see and receive all the support from friends and family. It has been such a neat experience to see people pour out all sorts of support-donating to my garage sale, prayers from friends, envelopes full of money, encouraging notes, completely unmerited favor... It's like God was just waiting for me to commit to this calling and then He was able to open all sorts of doors in my life.

As I sit less than a week away from this next huge step in my walk, I can't lie and say I don't have a case of the butterflies. Part of me wants to call everyone and tell them I was just kidding. But when you're sitting at the edge of a cliff and all your buddies are cheering you on, and you take those first quick steps toward the edge, you quickly realize you can't un-jump a cliff. Pray for me.

Cash N Go...

When I was in High School I used to work at the Clay Madsen Rec Center which had pay days every other Friday. I normally wouldn't get off til about 6:30-7ish, well after my bank had closed shop til Monday. So if I wanted any spending cash for that Friday and the weekend I had to always cash my checks at this seedy little gas station that had a Cash N Go or QuickCash or MoneyCash or whatever it was called (these places always seem to have some convenient name with the word 'Cash' in there somewhere) and wait til Monday to deposit into my real bank. This was back in the days before direct deposit was common place. After some time the nice gentleman of Arab-descent that ran the Cash place knew me pretty well. Although the first few times it was quite an ordeal, I had to show my Driver's License, Social Security Card, take a digital thumb print, take a mugshot, provide a phone number, mom's maiden name, dog's name, secret fear, deodorant type, etc. But once Mr. (I forgot his name) knew me, it was pretty painless, show up, cash my check, buy some gum or Mexican candy, make small talk and enjoy the weekend. After I graduated I got more or less a 'real' job and discovered the beauty of direct deposit, so I saw Mr. Arab-descent less and less. If I happened to be in the area, I might stop by for gum or Mexican candy or gas. After even more time, I just happened to frequent the area less and less. I can't tell you honestly the last time I stepped foot in the one-stop shop, although I drive by it about once every six months and get a little nostalgic. If I had to cash anything there I'm sure I would have to go through the initial interrogation process all over again.

Many times it seems we (err, I, but to diffuse my own guilt, I'll group any of you reading this into this category) treat our friends this way, isn't it? We go through these seasons where we pour and pour into each other. Call each other, hang out, go to lunch, dollar movies, encourage each other, pray for each other, speak life into each other, etc. What some shrinks might call make 'emotional deposits' into each other. And we get pretty close. We get to know each other and have no problem being buddies. Sometimes we keep these friends around for a really long time. But sometimes, as it happens in my life, these deposits into people around me tend to dry up. In fact, it's like sometimes I start to draw more out of people than I deposit. If you've been around me for any amount of time, you know I'm not always the most patient or lenient person when it comes to certain things. Don't touch my food. So I sometimes make some withdrawals from our 'emotional bank.' And little by little we deplete our deposits into our friends and it's like we hurt our credit score with people.


It's my experience that many times, these withdrawals are unintentional and many times almost innocent oversights. The scenario in my life tends to play out something like this: friend A expects Y from friend B (usually me) either through inferred communication or an explicit expectation -Hey are we still good for Tuesday? -You got it!. Friend B is a knucklehead that doesn't realize or overlooks the expectations that friend A has and friend A is let down. Withdrawal. Let's be real, as friends there are certain expectations and standards we have of one another. After all, isn't that why we allow people in our world to be more than just acquaintances? I strongly believe the difference between an acquaintance and a close friend is the level with which you can trust someone with your heart and your life. If someone can't be trusted to steward a small part of your heart, life and feelings, how much can you trust them to be a friend? After enough of these withdrawals or maybe just one huge withdrawal or even just lack of deposits, Friend B has a less than positive credit score with Friend A. Soon enough Friend B will try to make a withdrawal and realize that Friend A is no longer extending a credit line to Friend B. Familiar? No? Maybe just my world.

Here's what I'm getting at: as people, we have certain expectations from each other. Especially as friends. I would encourage you to try to live up to those expectations, especially if you set them, but nonetheless live up to them. If I tell you that you're a great friend of mine, you should expect for me to carve out some time for me to hang out with you. If you matter to me, expect for me to make you a priority in my life. If your feelings are important to me, expect for me to not be a jerk to you. If I'm interested in your life, expect for me to inquire about your world. A lot of times I don't do these things. Not that we are to live our lives with the focus of pleasing people, but we are called to be people of integrity. We're called to love God and love each other. Many times, I drop the ball on this. If I've ever set expectations for you or in your world that I failed to live up to, I'm sorry. If I've ever had less than stellar credit in your world, I'm sorry. I admire, appreciate and love all the friends in my life and I know how much it sucks to be let down and to be disappointed. If I've ever made you feel like this, please forgive me.


³⁴ But I say, do not make any vows! Do not say, ‘By heaven!’ because heaven is God’s throne. ³⁵ And do not say, ‘By the earth!’ because the earth is his footstool. And do not say, ‘By Jerusalem!’ for Jerusalem is the city of the great King. ³⁶ Do not even say, ‘By my head!’ for you can’t turn one hair white or black. ³⁷ Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one.
Matthew 5:33-37 NLT

Randomly Wrapping Up Tuesday..

Yep. Definitely writing at 4 a.m. Wish I wasn't such a night owl.

• Work 1 was called on account of rain. Work 2 was rough on account of people being grouchy.
• I followed a new Twitter, austinsxsw, pretty informational on local Austin happenings, just don't follow on your cell, cause they will BLOW it up.
• About 7 weeks left til I'm interning and living on an episode of Cribs.
  
• Andy and I decided we might like to invest in some cruisers and join the motorcycle club at Celebration. Seriously.
  
• Laura drove to New Mexico (not really NM, but close) via 620, where her car broke down so her, Weller and me drove out to see what we could fix. No dice tonight, but tomorrow Weller plays superhero.
  
• Turns out my mom is just as much of a night owl as I am and really good at late night talks. And still the most beautiful, anointed, Jesus-filled woman on the planet.
  

Because I can.....




My favorite text all day:

Katherine: Being the animal lover that I am, I picked up a stray cat but can't keep it. Do you know anyone that would want it?
Me: The butcher?

Oh! (not OK, I know, I know-still funny eh?)


My Jesus today:

² You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it.
James 4:2 NLT


Good nachos people.

Kionda Compa!

Part of the growth that comes from difficult seasons is that if you're introspective enough, you hopefully learn some truths about yourself and the world around you. Through all this I've had some people hurt my feelings, some aggravate me and others love and encourage me. So I've been kicking around this thought for the last few days: who are my friends? and how can I tell? Seems simple enough right? But it's not. Can I give my friends some sort of badge or call sign to identify them? Can I revoke it when they're no longer a friend (yeah I think I've come to realize that just because some people were at one point considered a friend, doesn't mean they'll always diligently carry that label). There's Fran the towel lady at work who gave me her box of peanuts that one day she overheard how starved I was. Does that make her a friend? There's Ben the ultra ripped 40-something year old that's a regular at my café who I share pleasantries with. Does that make him a friend? What about Zadie the neighbor down the street that brings over home grown tomatoes every season? Pretty obvious these guys aren't. But then there's those gray areas that some people wade into (and I really don't like gray areas, so maybe that's why this issue has been taking up so much mental real estate lately). Katherine, for example, was for some time just a co-worker, but after hanging out with us long enough and being freaking cool, is definitely a friend! And at some point don't all friendships start off that way? You meet someone you're indifferent about, hang out long enough or talk long enough to realize you have some common interests and gradually you share in each others' worlds more and more. Does anyone really encounter a complete stranger and anoint them a 'friend' after introductions? Of course not. So how can I tell the difference?

Last night Andy and I got to pray with a buddy of our's that's going through a 'character development' season in his life right now. At the end he kinda stopped and said -I thank God for friends like you. That simple phrase sent my trickle of thoughts into a flood stream of ideas and categories. So as best as I could decipher, I think I now know who my friends are. And because I'm a man and I have a compartmentalized vantage point of the world, this is the best I could come up with.

Acquaintances: Pretty straight forward, I somehow know you, or may just know of you. We might even share pleasantries or an occasional laugh but nothing more. Nothing against you and nothing for you. Clean slate to move forward. Many times this is where 'circumstantial friends' develop.

Circumstantial Friends: We're not really on any level of depth, we're homies almost because we have to be. Reminds me of Asa, this really genius kid I went to school with that developed his own periodic table or something crazy like that. We were lab partners once and traded phone numbers and emails, but after the lab and the semester was done we made no attempt to stay in contact but would say hi anytime we passed each other in the hallway.

Necessity Friends: Personally, I hate being this friend and making people feel like they're this friend. We're not really great friends, but because you somehow always need something from me you pretend like we are. Truth be told, if you took a pop quiz of my life, you would score a solid 40%. You don't really know much about me, if anything. In fact, some of the most basic info you may be clueless about. How many brothers do I have? How many sisters? When did I get saved? Where did I go to school? Who's my favorite country artist? You don't know because you only call when you need a favor or for guys especially, this happens all the time, when you need help moving (aaaargh!), but other than that I'll realistically never hear from you until the next time you need something else. Be careful, if you treat people like this long enough, you won't be considered anyone's friend and when people recognize you as a necessity friend, they'll begin to ignore you. And then you'll have to move your own boxes and heavy furniture. This reminds me of ...............psych! I'm not gonna blast anyone publicly. Ha!

Yeah, We Cool Friends: Almost like a promoted acquaintance. We're cool. We might even be really cool. We hang out, we might share the occasional inside joke or hand shake. We probably know some basic info about each other. Most people in my life are here. And that's cool. I'll gladly help you move because we also hung out last Tuesday when you had everyone over at your pad for board games or whatever. We might even have the occasional 'deep talk' about life or Jesus or girls (they're all silly and make no sense). This is a cool place to be.

We Used To Be Cool, But Then....Friends: Yeah we used to be cool, but then that one time he/she acted a complete fool and then I realized he/she was crazy/rude/mean/shallow/self centered/a mooch/etc. Or it may have been after a multiple series of events i.e. only calling when they need something. These people are like the dude at work that was a manager but jacked around long enough that he got an ultimatum from the Department Head-would you rather be fired or be demoted? And because homeboy had bills to pay he had to take the demotion. So he knows the system, he knows the in's and out's but has no access to the safe, the money or any other sensitive materials and doesn't get invited to the super fun manager meetings. At some point we were cool, maybe even really cool, but after you acted 'a fool' you got demoted because you didn't get fired.



Cosa Nostra: You're my boy Blue! Weller says this a lot and it seems to fit here: I didn't get to pick my family. I got to pick my friends. And you know, sometimes I would rather hang out with my friends! There's different levels of security clearance I have here, but these people are mi gente. My homies por vida. I will fly with you to edges of Avalon! And maybe some of the only ones that get these references. But we talk, and probably pretty regularly. And if we don't, I know next time I hear from you, it's not because you need help moving a washer or your grandma's 1960's TV set that is built into a solid oak box and weighs 89 tons. No friend, next time I hear from you it's because you want to hang out and do life together. It will be because you looked up and realized it's been some time so you just wanted to call and see how my life is going. You'll ask about my family (who by now, is probably your family too). You'll ask about me and Jesus. Me and girls (they're all silly and make no sense). Me and life. You are the circle that knows me in and out. You've seen my good and my bad. Some of you have probably seen me obliterated out of my mind stumbling down 6th street some years back and you've seen me cry in worship at Celebration. We're not friends because we have to be, we're not friends because you need something from me. We're friends because at some point we've poured into each other enough and realized this life is a little bit easier playing wing man for each other.

I realize this might seem like a very egocentric view of friendship. And you might be right, it's not all about me, but you know what, sometimes, it is a little about me. Especially when it comes to picking my friends.

¹² This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. ¹³ There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
John 15:12-13 NLT

I thank God for friends like you.



Post edit: I have no sisters, unless you count Omar or Nicky when they're being crybabies. :) And country music is the sorriest excuse for noise to be labeled as music and like stabbing needles in my ear drums. Just FYI.

Lord, teach me patience. Just kidding.

So through this crazy season of endings and beginnings I've grown to have less and less patience for, lack of a better term 'fluff.' In my world most things are black or white, up or down, right or wrong. Either you did or you didn't, fess up and move on-I don't need or care for the peripheral story. Accept responsibility and cut it out.

A few weeks back I overslept for work by two hours! Yeah, I felt like a tool. Way to lead by example right? I called my Department Head and fessed up. No excuses, no side story, nothing broke down, no tragic emergency; I simply dropped the ball. It was honestly really liberating. He sounded a little taken back and almost confused. What do you mean, you just overslept? What's wrong? What happened? Is everything ok? I didn't have an excuse and didn't want one. It took him more or less a day to get over it and now I'm back in good graces again.

I guess I just want the same blunt honesty from people. I know most people are, on some level, intimidated by conflict or at least a little uncomfortable with it. But my view is that if you don't have conflict, how can you ever learn conflict resolution?

So I get really annoyed when people are dishonest with me, vague or otherwise unclear. I get annoyed and a little cranky. This seems to be working my patience, which I've learned I really hate developing. But apparently in this season, Jesus seems to think I somehow would like more of it. Or He would like me to have more of it. Either way, I don't like it.


Jesus, please end this season of growing patience in me through other people-or end it soon. Or don't. Your call. Amen.

Y Que?

So sometimes I have a little jaded view on this thing most people call Christianity. It seems to me that we throw around all these "feel good" words and phrases because it's what we're supposed to do and say. We go to services and sometimes, if the week was good i.e. God was good to us, we tithe, maybe we go crazy and drop a little more in. On days we wake up on time and remember to, we read a page out of our Bibles or maybe a page someone else wrote about their Bible. And after all this I have to ask what's the point? Sometimes we go through these same motions over and over and over again and there's no change in our lives. We're still quick to judge, quick to anger and slow to love. So what? So what you "serve" on some team once every other week? So what you give up some sort of comfortable offering when you "remember?" So what? What's the point of all this?

This question stared me right in the face this week as I came to realize that even pastors get sick and make mistakes and are prone to tragedy. So if the most pious ones among us aren't immune from life, why then do we do all these things? After all, has anyone ever really SEEN God? Not The Virgin Mary on your toast or some hazy trip you had that time you fell asleep watching some crying lady ask for money on TBN. But has anyone ever seen a tangible image of this God we profess our love and adoration to? No.

So why do all this? If the most "holy" among us still go through lives struggles why do all this? What is the "so what" behind your faith? That's my challenge to you. If you're sharing with someone that's never thought to follow this intangible God you so deeply love and follow. What's the "so what" behind your story? You go to church? So what? You read your Bible? So what?

I don't know what world you live in, but my world and my unsaved friends aren't ok with Christianeze answers. My world and my friends want and demand a "so what" to my life. Why do you do this? Do you know?

My God changed my life. My God loved me when I felt no one else did. My God cheered and rooted for me when anyone else would have labeled me a failure. My God, the God that designed me and fashioned me and made me also gave me a purpose. So when life doesn't completely play out my way, I know He has a purpose for me. I know He loves me and cheers for me even when, especially when I drop the ball. That's why I do this. Why do you? What's my "so what?" I have a God that loves me, that roots for me, that has a purpose for me, that has a plan for me. So what? I've never been happier or more complete or more satisfied. That's what.

He knows.

Amazing seems to be a word we throw around in our 'christianeze' vernacular all too often. Yes, my Jesus is amazing. Yes, He performs miracles on a daily basis. Yes, He does amaze. But I hesitate to label everything in my life amazing because I'm afraid that after a constant barrage of amazing events, truly amazing ones seem a little more dull. With that, I have no other way to describe my life in the last six months. Amazing.

I left my 'career' that I was so comfortably settled in the middle of a full blown recession only to stumble around the job market and take a position with a significant pay cut. Why? Who knows. My two-year picture perfect relationship ends on my birthday. Why? Quien sabe.

Turns out God knew. And all along He was orchestrating a perfect symphony of coincidences and closed doors to get me to the place where I give up and yell out at Him in frustration. What amazes me about this God I chase is that He's not a religious God. He doesn't want or expect me be to be clean, perfect or even pious. So when I'm sad, He wants to hear about it. When I'm tired, He wants to know about it. And when I'm pissed off at the way things are going, He wants to hear about that too. I know I probably shouldn't ever be sad, pissed or tired (because truly pious people are demi-dieties that don't feel these things) but I sometimes find myself sad, pissed and tired so I figure why lie to Him? So once I came to the realization that in my mid-twenties, I still have very little clue what I'm supposed to do with my life, I finally asked Him. And because this God I serve, this God that loves me isn't afraid of my questions, He answered. I wish I could tell you it was an audible answer. Or maybe even a cool email with smiley faces and a cool font. Or a Facebook comment on my wall. But no, my God gives me billboards of circumstances to let me know where my next turn should be.

So here I am. 26, starting over and scared out of my mind. And sometimes I am a little pissed my picture perfect relationship ended shortly after my perfectly planned career path to a six figure income and a nice suburbia existence ended. And I am a little sad that I feel like I should be more 'ahead' in life. And I am a little tired of going around in circles. But you know what? God knows what He's doing. And never in my life have I felt more in the center of His attention and in the center of His will. So how will this all turn out? Dios sabe.