A fat kid snowboarding...

I've been using the analogy of a fat kid learning to snowboard a lot recently. It seems to very much describe this phase of my life recently. The first few weeks of this internship I felt as though I had a vague, general idea of what I was supposed to be doing but spent most of the time fighting gravity trying to pull me on my butt. I felt very clumsy, very much out of place and very awkward.

I wouldn't consider myself an expert by any means, but one month down and nine to go, I think I at least have a slightly better idea of what the mountain feels like. Definitely a lot of ice and snow caked on my butt and some soreness and bruising, but praise God, it's better. Honestly, it is a lot like snowboarding--as soon as you stop fighting the gravity and just learn to use it, and even enjoy it, snowboarding is a lot more fun. I feel as though last week I finally shed some weight off my heart and I'm fumbling around a little less--still a lot, just a little less. It's amazing the freedom and gait you discover when you let go of things that are completely counter-productive to your adventure.

So keep praying for me. I'm on the side of a really steep mountain trying to make it to the bottom without the help of snow patrol and hopefully relatively unscathed and maybe even somewhat recognizable. Where God decides this fat kid needs to trail, we'll see.

Keep on, keeping on...

Sometimes it seems as though people have a kind of revolving door in my life. Maybe it happens to other people too, but I can only speak for myself. There's a season--maybe a long season when people are in my life and they're definitely friends, sometimes even pretty good friends. Then in a very natural way most people fade away. Sometimes it's a slow fade, like when Summer fades from Texas--it slowly starts to cool, then there might be a sporadic day or two where it gets up past 100 degrees, but slowly and surely the heat leaves. Sometimes it's like when Fall leaves and Winter begins, one day the air is crisp and thin and without warning Winter shows up with a violent, biting chill and maybe a shower or two. And you know Fall is gone.

I have an odd pattern that I repeat at every interval. Initially, I don't like most of these changes, but as the months go by, I slowly become accustomed to the different winds, different droughts and different rains. I even start to like most of them. Then, as they fade away I always want one more day. One more day at the lake, one more day of football, one more day of hoodies and jackets. But like many other things, I can't control these changes. I can only control how I react to them. It seems silly to think of wanting for Winter so much that I would dress in hoodies and jackets in the middle of July, but sometimes in my personal life, I do just that.

If I dislike seasons changing on me, I absolutely abhor people changing on me. Not in a selfish, oppressive way-that I don't want my friends to experience change and growth. I just mean that I don't like when God brings seasons of change and people fade in and out of my life. It makes me miss the last season. Sometimes it makes me really, really miss the last season.

But what can I do? I don't wear hoodies in May or flip flops in February. Keep on keeping on. Seasons return. Sometimes friends return, changed, experienced and able to walk with me through a new chapter in this story. Sometimes, you get friends that remind you of old ones, maybe some of the same mannerisms, some of the same qualities but definitely not your old friends. Not in a bad way, just different. Summers come and go, some Summers are scorching, some are just really hot, but there will always be Summer in Texas. And there will always be change. So what do I do? Keep on keeping on. And know and believe that whatever season God is fading me in or out of will at some point become comfortable, maybe even enjoyable. And for the seasons gone? Hopefully some, if not most will return.

ROI (return on investment)....

So I wish I was uber positive and had a million amazing things to write about this week. But, I think I've always teetered more on the side of realism and caution.

So this week was a little rough. I'm starting to realize exactly how far out of my comfort zone I've wandered and I'm not really sure if I like it. Obviously, this program wasn't meant to make me comfortable and certainly no one consulted me as to what I would like and not like. And in a Sunday School way, I'd like to say that if it's hurting my flesh, then it's working right? But man, it's not comfortable! I don't necessarily enjoy feeling restricted, or patronized, or babysat, or honestly, necessarily enjoy doing grunt work. I know it's all for 'The Kingdom' and it's all for a greater cause. And I know I probably shouldn't complain or grumble, but I'm just being real. If Jesus prayed that discomfort (albeit on a much grander scale) would pass him by, I figure I can too. It's a strange feeling to realize that when some of my peers were in middle school figuring out locker combinations and taking 6th grade P.E. I was graduating. Some hours it feels like not only did I downshift my life, I changed to an entirely new vehicle.

There are definitely still a lot of positives about this whole thing. After a week it seems as though all the guys are really getting a lot more comfortable with each other--this week we had wrestling matches, farts, and really no one in our house wears shirts and/or pants after a certain hour. It's also exciting to see people come out of their shells and step into the calling God set out for them. It excites me to be able to mentor some of the younger boys and be able to take a back seat and let someone else take a leadership role and watch them learn and grow in that position. I guess, sometimes, it's almost easier to believe for and be excited for someone else's calling and life more than mine.

I suppose it's all in how you look at it. Right now it's hard for me to ignore my discomfort. It's hard for me to ignore everything I 'gave up' in taking on this internship. I guess this is what 'walking by faith' feels like. I don't have a clue what happens in 10 months, I don't know what all God is doing--I honestly don't know anything that He's doing. I just know that when people complained to Jesus about all they left behind to follow him, he simply said they were more or less investing and were promised a 10-fold return. I have to believe my God is not a liar. I have to believe my God keeps his promises. And I have to believe that at some point, through all this, I'll look, talk and love more like him--and in the end, it will all have a purpose and an amazing finish. I have to believe.

Oh, But Sometimes How I Wish You Could

Remember how I mentioned earlier that you can’t un-jump a cliff? Oh man, some days I really wish you could. Or at least have some sort of guarantee you’ll land softly.

After three days of this adventure, I’ve found myself bunging between uncontainable excitement and anticipation for the coming months, for the work we’ll do in this city, for the impact we’ll have on this generation and for the course all of this will set my future on—only to be matched by an almost insurmountable amount of fear and doubt. To call this journey an adventure is a very unfair and almost trite labeling. But I don’t know how else to describe my days that seem to develop literally hour by hour into a big, beautiful mess of ideas, projects, debates, stress and success. One hour there’s 37 of us in a room brainstorming ideas on how to reach an audience of 300+ teenagers and the next we’re trying to matriculate these brainstorms into tangible poster boards, flyers and chicken suits.

I joined this internship with the hope that I would learn enough about myself and enough about Christ that hopefully I would strive to be a whole lot less like me and a whole bunch more like Him. So far what I’ve learned is that I am fully capable of experiencing fear, stress and disillusion. Some of my annoyances and insecurities have definitely surfaced from some deep crevasses I thought I had done a pretty good job of hiding and covering. One hour I feel as though I am fully capable of leading any youth and/or college group in America, perhaps the globe; and the next I find myself wondering what madness possessed me to join a “cult” of 18-20 something year olds volunteering 10 months of their lives to spread this ludicrous message of Love, hope and redemption. Some minutes I feel out of place and somehow incomplete. As though all my flaws and insecurities are being broadcast from my every word, action and nuance. As though my every thought is being formed in a transparent skull, free and nude for the world to see and judge. Some minutes I can’t stand the way some of my intern peers communicate, don’t communicate, laugh, chew and walk. Others I’m filled with amazing love and compassion for all of them that it’s easy for me to see how Christ can love all of us despite, and maybe even because of, our flaws. Some minutes I’m seconds away from tapping out, packing my suitcase and calling it a day. And others, I wish I could squeeze every ounce of knowledge, wisdom and experience from Jonathan and every other person around me. Most instances I choose to stay.

As I continue this trip and delve deeper into what I’ve been called to do, I can only hope Jesus doesn’t quit on me and helps me to reciprocate the same. And sometimes a rewind button on my life would be cool too, or at least a soft place to land for when He asks me to hurl myself from a perfectly safe, manageable place without forethought or concern for my comfort or safety, because I have an itching suspicion this won’t be the last time He’ll ask me to trust Him like this. Pray for me and enjoy the adventure with me.

I saw a shirt today that said 'I love haters'....

And I thought it was funny, but my integrity and pride wouldn't let me buy it. Why? Because I don't love haters (something I gotta work out, I know). Ha. Pretty straight forward right? And I know it's meant in jest and I know that it speaks to the 'shake them haters off' mentality. BUT I can't help but be extremely, utterly, agonizingly annoyed by haters...or in my world, fakers.

Wanna know what keeps people out of church? And in a very real sense away from Jesus? It's not that we don't have enough lights-God knows we put on a small rock concert every Sunday and Wednesday. It's not that we don't have enough 'amenities', it's not even the messages. Ghandi said "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." And I think that's a very fair perception the world holds towards 'Christians.' We go to our services once, twice a week, we become borderline groupies when we have a guest speaker, maybe we even take notes and serve on some sort of ministry. But when we leave that building, we are the same hypocritical, back-stabbing, gossiping heathens we were before we got 'saved.'

I think this is what keeps people from church. Oh but it's not about the numbers right? People will come when they feel 'lead'. FALSE! When you're talking about people and souls connecting with their Creator and ultimately their destiny, it very much is about the numbers because every single number represents someone that came to Christ. And people will never feel 'lead' when all they see from this organized religion we so earnestly cling to is a mob of liars and hypocrites.

Are we called to be perfect? No. Absolutely not. But when someone asked Jesus to sum it all up for us and put His entire message in one cute little nutshell, what did He say? Love God and love people. A lot of us get so caught up in our lofty, self-serving 'callings' that we somehow think we're exempt from loving God and loving people. Oh yeah we're amazing speakers, we're amazing organizers, we're amazing artists, etc. But what are we doing to love people? We can't even love the people we worship with, let alone people outside of our church building. How are you showing love? Are you gossiping? Are you being rude? Are you judging? Because all those things are things that can easily be found in the world. So if we have nothing better to offer our neighbor than a rock concert and free babysitting, what is going to bring people to Christ?

I challenge you: forget about your 'amazing' calling and 'heart' for whatever ministry you think you're called to. Try to stretch yourself beyond your own comfortable sphere of self service and get back to the basics. Love God and Love People. And from here on out I, too, commit: I love haters. And fakers.

You can't un-jump a cliff...

I used to have a huge aversion to change. Not really sure why, I just really enjoyed things staying just the way they were. Somewhere in the last few years, I've come to the other end of the spectrum where I think I've come to realize that the status quo a lot of times leads to stagnation.

My friends laugh at me because six months ago my prayer was almost a very pious 'Jesus, I want to grow (yaaayy!)!' Ha! Some days I very selfishly and lazily regret those prayers. I leave this weekend for Burnet, which isn't a huge move by any means, but it's definitely a big move psychologically. I'll be living in a house with people I didn't chose, sharing a room with people I may or may not like doing things I probably didn't sign up for. I know a lot of the people doing this internship and for the most part everyone is really cool, but like my mom says 'Caras vemos, pero corazones no sabemos.' Roughly translated: people can be sketchy sometimes. And I think what scares me is not that people can be rough around the edges once you really get to know them, but that I know I'm called to love everyone. Even if, especially if they're annoying. My default setting right now is that if a situation or person really irks me, I simply remove myself from that environment and either decompress until I can handle it again or just cut that person/situation off altogether. I don't think I'll have that safety blanket for the next 10 months.

I also realized that tethering this line between work and ministry has turned into a sort of shelter from each other. If one gets to be too much, I can simply throw myself into the other one. I no longer have this option. The moment I asked my friends and family to support my endeavor I lost the privilege of mundanities. I feel as though the minute I accepted God's call on my life I became accountable to the gifts and talents He's given me to walk in this calling. So now I've effectively taken away my options to hide when things get rough and wade through my day to day as though I'm the only person affected by the outcome of my actions. Which I suppose in the grand scheme of things is good. You can't grow without change and you probably can't change without growing even a little bit.

After all these insecurities, I find myself oddly excited and filled with anticipation. It's like that moment you jump off a cliff right before your feet leave the edge--you either go hard or you risk injury. If you don't jump as hard and fast off the ledge you just may not clear the rocks below. BUT the adrenaline and rush of free falling to find out if you cleared the rocks is enough to keep you coming back summer after summer. I'm also amazingly blessed and encouraged to see and receive all the support from friends and family. It has been such a neat experience to see people pour out all sorts of support-donating to my garage sale, prayers from friends, envelopes full of money, encouraging notes, completely unmerited favor... It's like God was just waiting for me to commit to this calling and then He was able to open all sorts of doors in my life.

As I sit less than a week away from this next huge step in my walk, I can't lie and say I don't have a case of the butterflies. Part of me wants to call everyone and tell them I was just kidding. But when you're sitting at the edge of a cliff and all your buddies are cheering you on, and you take those first quick steps toward the edge, you quickly realize you can't un-jump a cliff. Pray for me.