It’s ok to be lonely.

It occurred to me the other day that in every season of desert there must be a season of loneliness. I suppose I let my naïveté get the better of me to not realize this sooner, but I hadn't given much forethought to this 'desert' season I'm in. When I really think about it, it makes complete sense that every analogy of God building you in the desert goes hand in hand with you being alone. To be frank, when it first occurred to me that I would have to encounter and maybe worse yet, embrace this season of loneliness, I really just kind of shrugged it off. I think it was my own way of not dealing with reality. You know how some people will ignore life hoping it'll just go away and they'll wake up to find everything better? I think that was my initial reaction the first time this thought crossed my mind.

But here I am. Lonely. And I guess it's not so bad. Honestly, I think I probably brought a little of this upon myself. A few months back, I started praying –God, make me completely Christ-sufficient, not man (or woman) dependent. It's how I took up cooking. I realized, in the most non-chauvinistic way possible, the only real reason I would ever 'need' a woman in my life is because I was completely inept at feeding myself. I was eating a lot of tuna and PB&Js and going through the exact same repertoire of foods day to day. Because, somewhere in me I thought I would just lack that part of my life until I found the woman that was supposed to fulfill it. When I realized this, I concluded that this was a deficiency. Here's my theory: I don't want to be needed. I don't. I don't want my wife to be with me out of necessity. Sure it sounds romantic and sweet to look at someone and say –I NEED you in my life. But do you really? If you do, it almost seems kind of sad. A symbiotic relationship based purely or even partly on a lack of something. I don't want to be needed, I want to be chosen. And I really don't want to need anybody. I would much rather look at my wife and say –You're getting a complete man. I don't need anything, I don't lack anything, I don't need you to fill any emotional holes in my life or otherwise. But, Honey, I WANT to be with you. I want to spend time with you because you make me smile, you make my life easier and I enjoy being around you. You don't complete me, but you complement me. So I started praying, God help me to cook (seriously, I did), but more than that, help me to rely 100% solely, purely on you. Make me a complete man that lacks nothing, so when I choose my wife, I can, with integrity, tell her that she is my chosen. Not my nanny, or my mommy, or my silly putty to fill some void in my life. But my chosen.

Guess I really didn't that one through. Or really think he was listening. Turns out, he was.

I've been looking for a new home church lately. Nothing bad happened, no Earth-shattering event, no juicy gossip to pass on, I just felt like moving on. Two things I've learned so far. One, God is faithful. He is really, really, REALLY faithful. Every service I've sat in, every worship song I've sang seems like it has been a divine appointment for me. Like the Holy Spirit called ahead and made reservations for me. I've been dealing with some junk in my heart lately that honestly, needed to be sorted out and God's been faithful to point this out and bring it out of me. From being a light in your corporate world, to not holding grudges to the enemy attacking you with past sin. All of it has been for me. Songs about grace, new beginnings, His unending love for us. All of it. And I learned that he's faithful through my mistakes. I realized today, I haven't prayed one second about this move. I felt an inkling in my gut that it was time to move on and God stayed with me. Not one second of –God, what do you want for me? Not one thought of –Father, lead me. Nothing. Just up and moved. Truth be told, it was maybe a little out of resentment, but nothing too deep or anything I want to share here. But today, I gently felt the Spirit of God speak to me –Where am I in this? It was in the middle of worship. And I knew exactly what he was referring to. Not the worship, not the service, but me. Where am I in the middle of this? I felt so bad. Like when you're dating someone serious and you completely run them over with no regard for their schedule, their feelings or their input and you realize all your plans for 'us' were your own. I felt that today. But even in my failures, in my selfishness He's been faithful to provide and been faithful to steer and been faithful to not forget about me, but rather cater to me and love on me and provide for me. It seems like that's what unselfish love looks like—giving the other person their way even when you KNOW you're 100% in the right and they're 100% in the wrong. Can't say I've ever been that selfless in my life. But in this, I learned love. I learned that he provides and I learned He's with me in my loneliness and my selfishness.

I don't mean to be melodramatic, but have you ever looked for a new church on your own? It's lonely. Literally every service I've been to I've known no one (except for one, but that one wasn't on my plan, it was an invite to go see a friend lead worship). And that's kind of ok. In this season, God is rearranging me, building me, molding me. He took Moses, David and Jesus all out in the desert before he did something great with them. He took their gifts, their talents, their desires and stirred them, fueled them, uncovered them and birthed them. So here I am. A little bit lonely, but for a good cause. A little scared, but protected. A little bored, but fulfilled. I know my God is with me and I know he won't leave me. So even if in this season I have to see almost no one and be around almost no one and miss everyone. I know I'm not alone.

I honestly don't know what's going to come of this 'shifting' season. Like I said, I honestly haven't even prayed about it. So I'll pray and I'll walk and I'll take a wrong turn or two. I'll run and stammer and climb and slip. But I'll walk with my Jesus and I'll fill you in when I know.

-César Ivan.

Wisdom of a Man

A little bit ago I had lunch with one of the few people in my inner circle, one of my mentors who I consider part of my 'council.' See, I'm fortunate to have a very small, select group of people in my life that has full access into my life and into my heart. This man blows me away every time I talk to him—and oh we talked. He's a talker, I'm a talker, our 'quick' lunch meeting turned into a two hour brainstorming and sharing session. But he blows me away every time I talk to him—the dreams he has and chases at 50+ years of age, the way he believes and pours into those everyone else has checked out on—including me. I can honestly say he's one of the few genuine men I know in life. Anyways, he shared some life advice with me that I've been chewing on ever since that I just can't get over.

I was sharing some of my dreams and plans for this next season in my life and I was telling him how I feel like I have this huge sense of urgency. How I think I might have finally figured out that my time on Earth is finite. And because of that, I feel like every step in my life has a bit of a 'hurry up' aspect to it. I want to hurry up and get these promotions. I want to hurry up and finish my undergrad and start my MBA. I want to hurry up and get so many things and milestones accomplished that sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge of spreading myself out too thin, and I haven't even done anything yet!

-Slow down. You're young. And believe me, you have time.

And this helped. I needed to hear that. I've felt like God's grown me so much and I feel like sometimes he's so quick to show me maturity that I feel like I'm 27 going on 40. It was good to hear from someone that's been where I'm at and done what I've done that my life is not a long list of to-do's. He encouraged me to enjoy the ride. Enjoy the season I'm in without losing focus on where God is leading me. You CAN do both—he assured me.

Which brought up dating. I almost hate talking about this so much, but this part of my life, or absence out of my life rather, seems to be a theme for this season I'm going through. We were talking about how I love being single. How I'm great at it, I could write a book about it, I could make a career out of it—all the jokes. But it was really cool to hear the perspective from someone that's coming up on 25 years of marriage!

-Enjoy your season brother. Enjoy where God has you, enjoy being a single man and all that has to offer, but don't let the enemy distract you. He'll try. He'll try hard. Stay focused. And know two things: what God has called you to and that what he's called you to is more amazing than anything you can come up with. The woman he has for you will blow you away. She'll be prettier than you can imagine. She'll be more amazing than you can imagine and she'll be more fun than you can imagine. She may not be exactly what you think you want, but she'll be exactly what God knows you need. Marry someone that you can hang out with—all the time. Marry your best friend.

And that last part really stuck with me. There was a time when this was really a huge focus for me. If I could sum up my wife in a phrase, that would be it. I've always wanted to marry my best friend. But I've been single for so long and good at it for so long, that honestly, I just kind of put that priority list on the backburner. It was really good to hear from someone older and wiser that the wants that are deep in my heart are right on track with what makes a solid marriage—even 25 years later.

-Maximize where you're at. God will give you opportunities and lead you. He'll change gears on you and change seasons on you, but at all times maximize where you're at and take advantage of every opportunity God has put in front of you. All of them. Because you never know, that smallest opening, could lead to a huge breakthrough in your life.

And this, this, really helped. It's no secret that God has definitely changed gears on me in the last 12 months. After feeling like I was completely done in the corporate world and exhumed to never see it again—here I am. Back at it, climbing this ladder as fast as my human talent and ability will possibly let me, but all with a renewed purpose and drive in my life. What's amazing is that now, I can actually tell you, I have a passion for it! Weird, I know. Who has a passion for the corporate world? But when you understand the big picture and what God can do through these corporate channels, you get a little excited. The world I grew up in, I grew up coveting. I grew up wanting. Lacking. There was never enough. There was always a need. And the youth of my people, unfortunately, are in the same position. Mom and dad work two to three jobs at a little above minimum wage, just to maintain. So when these boys that are coming up in the hood see a drug dealer or a tough guy banging, they want that. They want the toys, the chains, the rims, the girls, the façade of prosperity and success without ever realizing that the life they envy and covet is a short road to a dead end stop. So if I can come from where they came from, and do what they wish they could do without the drugs, the guns and the violence, my success in the corporate world is now the hope for a generation of up and coming Latinos that only know 'clean' success in theory. That have only ever heard of these stories the way you and I hear about that guy that made it big in the NFL or made it through the last bubble and bust unscathed. So now this land God has me in carries a weight. It has a purpose. These promotions and raises are only tools. Tools to pour back into a people and generation chasing the wrong things and wanting the wrong things. Is it all about the monetary gains? No not at all. But if I know my Jesus. My Jesus will meet you where you're at. And it's much easier to get a Latino youth to listen to you when you have what they want. And when they ask why we do things differently? When they ask why I decided to take a different path for my life? Or here's my favorite: Mister, why did you do bad things and then decide to stop? What changed? That's my tee-ball baby! Oh you really wanna know? You sure you wanna hear what changed in my life? Sit down son, let me tell you about my man Jesus and what he did for me, my family and you and your family…

I'm fortunate to have incredible people in my life. Incredible people that believe in me, root for me and want the best for me. A lot of people don't and that's ok. There will always be people that doubt you, people that count you out. Even worse, people that 'have your back' only to peace out when your life doesn't meet their purpose. But every once in a while, you'll find a leader, a mentor that will have your back, that will believe in you when everyone else doubts. These leaders, these are the ones that will stick it out with you and believe in you when no one else will, they'll believe you can overcome any odds, do anything you set out to do. The rest? Who cares? They counted you out to begin with; who cares if they're in your corner or not? They'll only leave the first time you take a punch to the chin and God forbid you take stumble; they'll be on the other team's bleachers betting against you before the count hits three. But those that believe in you. Those that were in your corner when no one else was? Those that took a chance on you? Prove them right.

I thanked him for that, by the way. I thanked him for sticking with me and believing in me when a lot of other people didn't.

-I believe in you brother. I'm in your corner and I'm rooting for you. God is for you and I'm for you.

I'm fortunate to have people like this in my life.

Life Coach…

I've been chewing on this idea lately that I really want to be a life coach. When I worked at The University of Phoenix, part of my job entailed taking people from where they were to where they wanted to be. It was actually one of the most rewarding parts of my day-to-day, to take someone that had not sat in a college classroom in years, if ever, and help them take that first step to fulfill what was for many, a life-long dream. To draw out the courage and fear in them, the excitement and the hesitations to help them see why their dream could very much be a reality, a difficult reality, but a reality.

I think, for a lot of us, it's easy to look at our current situation and see the hurdles, the obstacles, all the reasons why not. But sometimes, I think, it takes an outside perspective to see the silver lining, to see the hope, to see the reasons why a dream is a possibility, to see how it can become a reality. And honestly, for most of us I think it's really just small changes. I mean, really, what's the difference between sitting in front of the TV playing Xbox all day and sitting in a classroom for five hours? Location and activity. Tiny changes. But you do one for four to five years and you have a college degree, you do the other and you have a collection of games you can maybe sell on Craigslist for $100. Right?

But change can be hard. If I'm honest with myself, more times than not, I really dislike getting out of my comfort zone. It's hard! I'll share a secret here. Until probably about six months ago, I didn't realize that a lot of change is actually permanent. I know, shocker right? But I had a small epiphany a while back when I realized that most of the change in my life is actually here for good, not just on a visit. I'll never be 25 again. I'll never have some of the jobs I've had. I'll never see some of the people I used to see. Life changes. And because of that hesitation to accept change, I think a lot of times people get stuck wishing and waiting for the past to come back. Maybe that's why there are so many quotes on moving forward. 'Your windshield is bigger than your rearview mirror for a reason,' 'Your eyes are in the front of your head so you can look forward and not backward,' etc. A lot of them are kinda gay. But I suppose they hold some truth right?

I was telling Cory the other day that when I was reading about the Israelites' journey, a few things really stuck out to me, especially as I was beginning this new trek in my life. First, the journey was only supposed to take nine days. The Bible says that from Egypt to the Promised Land was a nine day walk. What's that? Like a few hundred miles? And somehow they managed to screw it up bad enough that God had to keep them in the desert for 40 years. In fact, they screwed it up bad enough that the first generation never made it! Secondly, is that not only did they screw it up for a long time, but they screwed it up early! I mean, think about it, how hard is it to be faithful to God for nine days? All they had to do was to be 'good' for nine days and they screwed it up. So they screwed it up early and finally, they screwed it up a lot. Not only did they go wrong early, but they couldn't fix their act for 40 years. And I guess it's easy to be on this side of it because I've never walked through a desert. But really, how many times have we done that? We get on a 'diet' or workout plan only to fall off the wagon within the first few days or first few hours even. How many times have we been at an altar call, bawling, eyes puffy, snot running, promising God with all our might that our sin is done. That our sin is nailed on the cross or laid at the altar, or whatever pious imagery you want to convey, only to go home and drop the ball that same week? I know I've done all of it. A lot. If I told you some of the times I dropped the ball with God and the context within which I dropped the ball, you wouldn't help but think I'm half devil or half retarded. But trust me, I have.

But I don't want to be that guy. I don't want to be the guy that God gives a great opportunity to and can't be faithful. The guy that can't be faithful to God for nine days or 40 years. And a lot of my life is great. I'll be honest, I love my life right now.

We had Cory's bachelor party this weekend and it was amazing. A lot of guys showed up, we all pitched in and covered Cory's paintball, lunch, got him a pretty nice cigar, all of it. It was exactly what I was hoping for as the best man. And I couldn't help but look around and realize how awesome my life is right now. My best friend is marrying another one of my best friends and they're both amazing and amazing together. My little brother starts an amazing job next week—in MY office, a really sweet gig for being 20. I'm on the cusp of one or two really nice promotions. I'm moving downtown soon. Life is really good right now. And the great thing is that I know God is only making it better. But really, how great is my life? I mean it's a subjective measure right? I love my life. But does that mean God has nothing more in store for me? I have to believe he does. And while I have no metaphorical bondage or slavery that I'm asking God to deliver me from, I know he's called me on this journey. And I know he's spoken some very clear things in my heart. And I want to be faithful to those. I want to be the guy that made the trip in nine days, not in 40 years, or worse yet, didn't make the trip at all.

So how would I coach me? Little changes. I would take where I'm at and the things I'm doing well and do more of them. Work just a little harder. Study a little more. Meet personal deadlines a little quicker. And take those things I'm not so hot at and improve those little by little.

I want to be the man that one day can look at my wife and say, 'Honey, I can be faithful to a God I can't see, I give you my word that I'll be faithful to a wife I can hold.' Forgive me if that's cheesy, but that's a word I've very specifically heard in my heart over and over these last few weeks. I want to be the man that can pour into the youth of my people and give them authenticity. I want to be the man that can steward little. I want to be the man that God can trust with $5 and $5 million. I want to be the man that can be a great man for his friends and a great man for his wife.

So changes. Little ones. Baby steps, and lots of them. So here I go, coaching my first client, pro-bono. He'll test my patience; he'll probably slack at times and then put himself through a guilt trip he can't bear. He'll have amazing victories. He'll experience great triumphs. I'll reward him and discipline him. But I believe in him, he won't let me down. He's God's creation and in him lies the King's greatness and the King's potential. It all starts with changes. And we're starting some this week.

 

Everybody Has a Story…

Before I completely take off on this idea, I have to give credit where credit is due, I stole this idea from the fine folks over at InkedBlog.com, their motto is "Everybody has a story" and they invite people to share their stories on why they got their ink. Some are flippant and trivial; others are deep and soul moving. And while some of you may or may not have strong feelings against tattoos or body mods, can we all at least agree that it's a personal preference and not a 'Bible' thing? Because, I mean, really, if we're going by the Old Testament, we sin when we wear a poly-blend t-shirt. Just saying.

So whether you like them or not, here's my story.

I have to say, I've always really admired good art work on a person and I've always thought tattoos had a definite depth to them, if done right—I know a guy that tattooed the Apple logo on his arm and another chic that had a Velveeta cheese block on her thigh. Some I do have to wonder at the forethought that was invested. But I've always wanted mine to carry weight. To be meaningful and to be costly. Not necessarily in monetary terms, but all the ones I have are in spots that were pretty sensitive.

My first one is simple script that wraps around my left arm from the inside of my bicep, over the bone on my elbow out to the middle of my forearm. It reads, "Primero De Noviembre Dos Mil y Seis Dia De Vida Isaias 43:1-4". It means, "November First Two-Thousand-Six Day of Life Isaiah 43:1-4". I got this one a few years after I came to Christ. It's obviously the day I found Christ, but because God rarely deals with me in 'billboards' I thought it fitting I ought to commemorate one of the few times he did in a big way. I actually didn't figure out the full meaning of this day until some years after I came to Jesus.

One morning, I was praying in my room, just kind of crying out to God for my people. See, in México, and here actually, my people have a deep sense of religion, but a lot of times not much more. In fact, I've seen it hard for some of my people that come to Jesus to fully embrace grace and love and forgiveness because of how deeply religion is embedded in my culture. But November 1^st in México is the infamous 'Day of the Dead' and if you really study the history behind it, it's pretty dark. And honestly, kind of kooky. People go to cemeteries and leave food and offerings for their ancestors as a way of 'appeasing' and communicating with the spirits and finding some sort of closure or healing over the loss of loved ones. And on this particular day it just broke me to know that my people were so far off the mark, worshipping dead ancestors and serving offerings when the true, living God is yearning and clamoring to know them and heal all their hurts. So as I was praying about this, I had this huge 'aha!' moment where God reminded me that in was on November 1^st that I found life. November 1^st, 2006 was literally the day I came alive! Which also happens to be my mom's birthday.

See, at that time I was really struggling in an unhealthy relationship I found myself in. That morning I found out the girl I had been living with cheated on me. I kicked her out of the house and was planning on doing work on the dude she cheated on me with. I had it all planned out—I was going smash her car up, hope for the dude to come out and try to play superman so I could rough him up a bit too. I'm telling you, I had it planned out in a creepy way. Down to how I wanted to break a few bones and smash in his eye sockets, etc. And as I'm leaving my room to do this, I heard for the first time in a long time, the Spirit speak to me. And he simply said –or you can come home. 'Or you can come home' is all I heard. Over and over in my head and my heart until I broke. At that moment, it hit me how much off the mark I had strayed, how much I had tried to fill my lonely life with the things of this world. And honestly, how unsatisfied I was. I mean, I was about to rough a dude up and quite possibly do a stretch of time for some pretty serious charges, over what? A failed relationship? I was jacked. And truth be told, I hadn't always been completely faithful either, but at that moment all I could think of was how hurt I was and how cheated I felt. So for the first time in a long time, I hit my knees, bawled like a baby and came home.

The first story I read after asking Jesus to make my life new was Isaiah 43. The story of the Israelites straying from God, yet again. And in there, God tells them (paraphrasing here), yes, you are in a mess-a mess you created. Yes, you are overwhelmed with your non-sense. But you know what? That fire you're going through, it won't burn you. That flood you're going through? It won't drown you. Why? And verse 4 is my favorite, "because you're precious to me and I love you". The Amplified describes precious as royalty, a gem, literally, a prince. And on that day, after feeling so low and feeling like such a loser and a throw away, my God showed up to remind me I was precious, I wasn't a loser and I wasn't a throw away; I was royalty to him. And even though my life was a self-inflicted mess, He showed up to rescue me from my fire and flood.

And oh yeah, a lady whom I had never met then called my mom to tell her she had a dream that God told her to tell me that the fire I was going through and the flood I was going through wouldn't burn me and would drown me. That he loved me and that I was his prince. This was all November 1^st, 2006. My day of life.

My next one I just got this year and I'm really happy with it. I had honestly been chewing on this idea for a while now. I usually try and sit on an idea for 6-12 months, if after that I'm still absolutely convinced I want it, I'll go for it. This one though, I think I've wanted this one for years now. I especially like it because Nicky and I have the exact same tattoo and I think Omar might get his soon too. Psalm 91:4 says, "He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection." I got this one to commemorate my dad. When he passed away, I was 16. Needless to say, it left a huge void in my life. And not just in a physical and financial way, but it honestly created issues in me that I didn't get hashed out for years and years. See, my dad, like many dads, was my hero. He was the man I looked up to, the man I shadowed, the man I admired, the man I wanted to be. He very literally was, my best friend. He was the man that always believed the best in everyone and gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. He was the man that taught me, corrected me, disciplined me and loved me. But I think above all this, he was my support. He was my launching ground and he was my protector. If I have one consistent feeling that reminds me of my dad, it was that I always felt safe. See with him around, I always believed I could do anything, accomplish anything, go anywhere, try anything and he would always have my back. He was my fort that I came home to. It helped that he was a tower of a man. So when he passed, I all of a sudden became very insecure, felt very vulnerable, very unsafe and very unprotected. While most kids had dad to sign permission waivers, buy new cleats and ask about girls, my dad was gone. And I saw this manifested in many different ways for years in my life. I quit sports, I got in a lot of fights, smoked a lot of weed. I felt like I always had this chip on my shoulder—this stigma that I had to overcompensate for not being protected. And sometimes, I just wanted to run away from life and forget that my hero was gone. And countless other issues that took Jesus years to dig out from me.

But one thing I always remember about my dad was that he made us a family. See, my dad, was actually my step dad. He stepped into this pre-made kit of a family and selflessly took the mantle of dad and raised, cared for and provided for three boys that he honestly, had no obligation to. Not only was he dad, but he insisted on us being a family. We HAD to eat dinner together, we took a million family vacations, you know, family stuff. But he always made it a point to teach us that family came first. Before friends, before work, before pride. Family came first. And when he passed, I remember feeling this huge weight of being "dad" put on me. Not by anyone in particular, but by myself. Dad was gone, so obviously it was on me to make us a family, to somehow teach what dad would teach and say what dad would say. It was a heavy weight.

So when the first time I came across Psalm 91, I very much remember it being like my dad talking to me, not in a weird 'Day of the Dead' type. But I just remember feeling like the Spirit of God coming in and telling me, Son, I'm Dad. I'm your heavenly Father that will never die, never perish, never grow tired of caring for you and always have your back. I'm your support, your tower and your protection. And I sustain your family, not you. It's not your weight, it's mine. I very much remember feeling this image of God taking me under his arm like my dad used to and protecting me.

This is my God, this is my Dad, my heavenly Father that loves me, protects me, believes the best in me and always has my back. And he makes us a family.

My last one I wanted to go without any words and just have an image. Again, I sat on this one for about six months before I decided on it, but I'm really happy about it, and this one I'm especially proud of because I actually designed it myself. I drew it up myself, researched the exact location of the cities etc. It's pretty straight-forward, but the heart is where I was born, México City and obviously the star is Austin. I wanted it to be a reminder of why I'm here. Like millions of other families, my family migrated here illegally about 20 years ago. We risked life and each other to come to a land for the opportunity to make a better life and have a better destiny than we would have otherwise had in México. It reminds me that where I'm at and whatever 'hardships' I think I'm going through is nothing compared to what my people face and go through on a daily basis just for the opportunity to give their next generation a better life. There are scores of highly intelligent men and women that come to this country from their land where they were successful business owners, entrepreneurs, even doctors attorneys and engineers that will gladly take up a mop bucket and lawn mower to provide a better life for their family. Some of these men and women will never again have the respect or admiration of their peers as educated professionals, but rather, will be mistreated, discriminated against, patronized, cheated, insulted, underpaid and many times abused. All for the cause and hope that their family won't struggle through what they struggled through. This is my reminder that where I came from is a tough, dark place where many don't have the hope and opportunities that I have. This is my reminder to be thankful and grateful for what God has given me, and to be thankful in my trials because as bad as I may have it, there are literally millions of men and women that would love to be where I'm at, life struggles and all. This is where I'm from and this is where I'm proud to be.

This is my collection. For now. Definitely thinking about adding and updating some of these, but still waiting for 6-12 months.

Be blessed friends.