Oh man. So it feels like it's been a long time since I've written anything. Had the itch for a while honestly. Through some logistics and misunderstandings, our internet got cut off at home, so I've been M.I.A. for a bit.
So what's going on? Jeez. In short, a lot.
Career is good. Didn't get the promotion I was shooting for, but it was good. Praise God, I still have a job and I'm still 12-18 months ahead of where I wanted to be going into this. Honestly, it was a bit ambitious to go for it that early on, but honestly, heed and caution aren't usually qualities I have in abundance.
Personally, life is awesome. The work hours put a bit of a cramp on social outings, but it also makes me really creative with the free time that I do have. In the last three months I've jumped out of a plane, drove to Dallas for a Rangers game, hiked more miles than I think I ever have before. Nearly fell off the side of a small cliff a time or two. Got some new ink. Biked all over Austin. Discovered a few new eateries. And watched maybe a total of 15 minutes of television. So adventuring continues, stay tuned.
Spiritually? This is the fun part. And this will be the brunt of what fills this dusty journal over the next few days and weeks. Where to start? So I suppose the base for my ongoing adventure would be good. So I'll air some laundry here—I've been single for a while now. About 15 months to be exact, but no one's counting right? And for the most part it's been ok. Almost comfortable. Obviously, last year in the internship it was non-negotiable, but after that, I just kind of continued. It wasn't until about February that I realized that not only was I comfortable being single, but honestly, the thought of a relationship really freaked me out! It stirred up a few things in me that I needed to hash out. So I tried hanging out with a few girls, nothing fancy, nothing serious, just to see, honestly. Not that they were bad girls or not quality or anything of the sort, just not right for me. Admittedly, I've always been uber picky. But these voyages really woke up something in me: I'm not ready for marriage. At least not the way I'd like to be. Not the way I'd like someone to be for me. I mean, could I do it? Yes, of course. Would I like to at some point? Of course—with the right person. And that's the contradiction, there's a deep part of me, I think, that I would love to be in a healthy, amazing, life-giving relationship. But the thought of being with the wrong person really freaks me out. So it's almost like a bad joke of 'Who's on First?'
So after some prayer and talking it over with my closest counsel, I really felt like I needed to dedicate these next six months to being single. Not coincidentally single-you know how some people are single because…um, how do I put it nicely? They don't have a choice. Guess that wasn't all that nice, but it is what it is. But what I felt in my heart this time was different; the difference between being coincidentally single and single with a purpose is a world apart. I mentioned a few months back that the weight of what it means to be a man and be a steward of a daughter of the King really hit me hard. And it's still something I chew on pretty frequently. And because of that, I'm exploring this journey. I know it'll be an amazing season of growth and challenges, but I'm quietly excited. Because honestly, I don't want to treat this like a magic genie formula. See, God is not a genie that if you follow steps 1, 2 and 3 to the T he automatically grants you three wishes. And then I ran across this scripture Hebrews 12:11 "No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it's painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way." So there it is. There's the magic formula. What's the reward for going through a season of discipline and living righteously? A quiet harvest of right living. In essence the reward for doing the right thing is that you learn to do the right thing. And while that not seem like much of a reward, isn't that what a righteous life is all about? Living righteously? Not piously, but righteously.
One of my utmost desires recently is to give my future wife my best. I remember growing up my mom and dad were always each others biggest fans. They cheered for each other, they rooted for each other and they honestly believed the best in each other. One thing that always stood out to me was how highly they spoke of each other when the other wasn't around. And I've always wanted that, I want my wife to look at me and know in her heart of hearts, I am the absolute best fit for her. That I'm the hardest working, best looking, most loving, most thoughtful, and most amazing husband on Earth. But I'm a cynic, if I don't feel like I'm honestly giving that to her, I won't feel like I've deserve her admiration. Because honestly, that's what I want. I want the most amazing, sweetest, kindest, coolest, most fun, hottest wife on Earth, but not just because I ordained her with those accolades, but because in my eyes she'll honestly be all those things. I'm a little weird; I've never been into the 'celebrity crush' game. And I've always been turned off by girls that were. See, here's my view: if you think a celebrity is the most attractive person on Earth and you think you deserve that, then go for it. Don't settle for someone 'in your league' and lust after someone else—even in jest. A lot of times the rationale is used –well I'll never meet them. Well hypothetically, what if you do? Will that man or woman be someone that you lust after in person? I've never thought of selling myself short and I don't think anyone ought to. When I find my wife, I want to be able to look at her and 100% know and believe that she is the most beautiful woman on Earth. More beautiful than any celebrity, more gorgeous than any super model, more attractive than any other woman walking the planet. I suppose it's a bit far-fetched and maybe even a bit of a romanticized view, but it's mine and those are my standards.
So here I am. On another journey. To grow and learn and be transformed into the man that God would have me be. And this isn't 100% about being that man for my wife. I'm genuinely excited for this season, I'm really enjoying being single and I'm looking forward to a new, almost refreshed season of singleness. Single with a purpose. A single man, building and journeying, exploring, gathering, growing. And when I'm ready, I think he'll make me a steward. A steward of more responsibility, more influence, more 'acreage' and hopefully one of his most amazing, most caring, most fun, most beautiful daughters—one he's taken just as much time and care to prepare just for me.
So stick around, watch my God show up and do some more amazing.
