So now, I talk. And I talk a lot. Mostly, I feel like it's nonsensical, but Jesus loves me. And sometimes, I feel like I make Him laugh with my questions and constant inquiries. God, will I ever live abroad? Can you move me to NYC or Chicago? Can I win the lottery? Why did this happen? Why did that happen? What is my wife doing right now? Is she hot? I bet she's hot isn't she? Can you make her a good cook? Etc. And I really do like these conversations, I feel very much like when my dad would take me on road trips with him and we would talk everything from sports to girls to the stock market.
And then, every once in a while, my dad would drop a huge piece of wisdom on me that I would just chew on for a few hours. Looking back, I think this was his ploy to get me to shut up for a few miles. Haha. This weekend felt a little like that. Leah, Andy and I went hiking the cliffs off 360. We were trekking a new part I've never been to before so I was trying to be a little more conscious of my surroundings, footing, moving things under leaves, you know, normal things. We came across a small snake that scattered off under some brush, but next to heights, snakes are my next biggest fear. As we kept walking, I half-jokingly asked God why He would create such horrible creatures. All the while watching my every single step for fear that one would jump out and jack up my world. Next, I asked God why he created dirt--I mean think about it, it's ugly. And dirty. And messy. So as we're walking through brush, I'm keeping my focus on where I'm stepping, trying to avoid snakes and whatever else may want to ruin my day. And in that I kinda started complaining. God, if you created everything out here, why is this scenery so ugly?? I mean all you put out here was a bunch of dirt and fallen branches and leaves. And in a solid moment of clarity, I simply heard Him say--Son, look up, not down.
It stopped me in my walk. Literally. I had spent so much time worried and fearful that a tiny garden snake would 'jump' out at me that I was focused on the dirt, the brush, the wood and everything else on the ground that I was missing the gorgeous scene around me. The greens of spring, the flowers in full bloom, birds flying all over the place, it was almost like a cheesy scene from a Disney movie. But I got it. I was so worried about what I might trip on or what might bite me that I was completely oblivious to the beauty around me. And even more importantly, the beauty of creating my own path through some of the thicker brush of the woods.
And that's all I had to hear. And in a very poignant metaphor, I realized I very much do this in my day to day. With my million questions and concerns about what I'm doing--sometimes I feel like I'm not where I should be or not progressing fast enough, I miss out on the beauty of what God has placed in my life and the beauty of the mystery of where God will take me. And in all honesty, I'm not trusting that He'll protect me from evil and enemies and everything else Psalms says He'll protect me from.
God,
I trust you. I believe in you. I believe you. I'm sorry I don't thank you enough for the amazing life you've given me and I'm sorry for doubting you around every turn and on every step of my life. I know you have amazing things for me, because you've given me an amazing life. I give you my steps, I give you my decisions, I give you my life. Again. Lord help me to enjoy where you have me while maintaining a healthy drive and enthusiasm for the future you're building with and for me. Protect me, provide for me and make me into the man you have called me to be. Help me to honor you and trust you in all I do. I love you Abba Father.
Your Son,
Cesar Ivan.
