Abba, Father...

Today Pastor Joe talked about what fuels you. And while we can find all sorts of 'fuel' for what we do in life, he made a great point today. Your fuel ought to be to live to please your Father, not necessarily your physical, biological father, but your Heavenly, Almighty Father. Many times we find 'fuel' or motivation in different places, but this was comforting to me. Not anything I didn't know before but a great reminder that my Father, my God is always for me and is always on my side.

As I look back over the ebbs and flows of the last three years of my life, it's not hard to realize that He has always been there for me. There were scares I've faced that he brought my family through. One year we thought mom had breast cancer, and while for many this turns out to be a reality, he pulled us through. There was last year when the doctors basically told us to go say our goodbyes to grandpa, he pulled us through. In my finances, when I've needed an exact amount, He's surprised me many times with that exact amount just at the nick of time. A client that finally came through, a friend that felt led to sow, a surplus in the bank I was unaware of, the list goes on. The heartache he softly mended and healed. All the days and night I prayed that He would surround me with amazing friends and to my surprise, most of my old drinking buddies get saved. He's been there.

And so now as I stand at the cusp of yet another change in seasons, a shift in gears, I can't lie and say I'm not a little worried. I won't pretend I'm not hesitant. Yes, even a little scared. And while, we've all experienced our share of people that have let us down and hurt us, I have to believe and trust in the fact and the history that my God, my Abba Father has me. He has my back. He is for me and He is with me. Let me explain something, the term 'Abba,' look it up, is an Aramaic term of endearment for the word 'father.' So God wrote me a book, in which He says, I want to be your Abba, your Daddy, your Provider, your Protector, your Everything. Everything I need and everything I will ever need. So yes, like any other season of change, I'm a little intimidated. But my Father, my God that wants to be so close to me that I call him Daddy, He has my back. He goes before me to pave the way, He comes behind me to protect me and He'll flank my left and right to shield any blindside I may have.

I don't always like change, nor am I comfortable with it. I learned this about myself. Up until recently, I was very much a 'past' person. I was often nostalgic for the past and how great things "used to be." When in all actuality I was nostalgic for a past that I wished had been. Don't get me wrong, many of my experiences have been amazing, and many of my life-lessons have been well earned. But I think in my eagerness to be an optimist, I many times painted the past a little more rosy than it actually was. So I work on, daily, being a forward thinker. Enjoy today, while recognizing the past, but have an eagerness and anticipation for what is to come. And as I stand on the brink of my new season, I can't help but have an anticipation about my life. About my new chapter that my Abba God is writing. And hopefully this anticipation will outweigh the hesitations, the doubts, the nostalgia and the fears.

So once again, I find myself in the center of where I should be. Do I know where I'll end up? Not necessarily. Do I get nostalgic for the past? Sometimes. Am I excited for the future? Absolutely.

So here I am God. I give you once again, my fears, my hesitations, my doubts all to know that you have something beyond amazing for me. If my biggest, baddest dreams are Your starting line, I can't wait to see where we're going. Pave the way for me, make me fully aware of your presence in everything I do and let me be the one that brings You to others. May I leave others with enough of You in their lives that they are changed for the better. I love you, Daddy. Thank you that you are for me and you are with me. In Jesus' awesome name. Amen.

Grow Up.

I remember growing up I would hear my parents describe a season of time or events in their lives as 'whirlwinds.' I was always confused as to what that meant exactly; sometimes I got kind of excited like Taz from Looney Tunes was coming over to play with us. But having an adult life of my own, with my own dreams, goals and aspirations--there's not a better fitting word I can think of to describe the start of 2010 for me.

Last year was an amazing year for me. And not in a romantic—everything was sunshine and butterflies type romantic—but truly, God-crafted amazing. In fact, looking back, there are more things in '09 that I can look back on now and have my own 'Aha!' moments. I know it's trite and cliché when uncomfortable circumstances come your way to just chalk it up to character growth or 'season of growth' but in my heart of hearts, I honestly believe that '09 was that for me. I once had a close, older friend tell me, César, you're one of those dudes that grew up without ever really growing up. And for years I chewed on this trying to figure out exactly what that meant. We had countless conversations in the few years that we worked together, but this was one that always stuck with me. I think '09 highlighted this handicap in my life. I had all the outer workings of an 'adult' with very few of the inner workings. See, when you come up in the world, all that matters is what your outer man looks like-your façade. But a lot of times when we come to God, it takes some time for us to give him all of ourselves, in my case, my self-illusion that I had everything put together.

So in '09, God decided it was time for my inner workings to mature. And mature they did. On paper, '09 was one of the most difficult years I've had in sometime. I shifted out of a career I was pretty comfortable in and honestly pretty good at, for ….the calling of God? I had no clue what that meant at the time. The girl I was convinced I was going to marry and I called it quits. And towards the end of the year I felt God call me to a season of simplicity, struggle and growth when I felt like I was supposed to join an internship geared towards those that felt called to ministry. Even in this, I still held on to some sort of semblance of 'I got this Jesus, just help me out from time to time, but seriously, I got this.' This is where I saw my handicap. Not just saw it, but felt it, felt it highlighted, felt it ousted. Day after day I was walking around half naked for the world to stare at, to examine, to criticize with this handicap that surely everyone else saw too.

See, what was great about the internship is that it forced you to be uncomfortable. The hours are long, the work is thankless and you're living with 30+ other people that will gladly, at any time, if inadvertently, highlight something else in your life that needs growth. One of the things I kept feeling and saying when I was in the internship was –I just miss being a grown up. After some time, I finally took a second to sit and actually chew on what it means to be a grown up. Is it having bills to pay? Is it having a relationship? Is it having a career? Is it having a family? Or in the spiritual sense, is it submitting to authority? Is it going to church? Volunteering at church? See, none of these things MAKE you a grown up, these are the outer workings of having growth and maturity in your character. And for a long time I deceived myself into thinking that because I had most of the 'checks' on the Welcome to Adulthood Checklist, then by definition, I was a healthy, functioning, card-carrying adult.

But where many, including myself, have been deceived is in thinking that being an adult is a checklist of tasks that people can point at and say –because you do x,y and z you are now an adult. Because many times we've all experienced and probably acted out ourselves in a way that screams immaturity, insecurity, naivety, even though all the tangibles of being an adult are there. We had the Watoto kid's choir come to church last week. And these are kids from Africa that lost their parents to war, AIDS or abandonment. And many told stories of the oldest sibling in the family, many times a 7-year old taking charge and caring for and raising their younger siblings. This put in contrast to the 40 year old that has an affair and walks out on his family. I offer to you, which is the adult?

Paul said something like, I won't pretend like I have it, but I continue to work towards that ultimate goal. The ultimate goal that GOD called me to. And in that is adulthood. Is it being financially responsible? Yes. Is it carrying and maintaining functioning, healthy relationships? Absolutely. But it's more than that. It's chasing after Christ—even when, especially when, it's against the flow. It's chasing after the calling, the goal that God has set in your life especially when there's opposition, and there will be opposition. And I would even argue, it's going your own way. If my God is a creative God of infinite possibilities, is it absurd for me to believe that the calling he's put on me, may too, have its own path and its own course? And out of all these inner workings, come the tools that allow you to be a healthy, functioning adult. An adult with character, integrity, truth, confidence, love, respect, humility, honor and any other cavalier trait you wish to add to the list. So in my seeking to be more like him, I trust him in this new phase of my life, to continue to grow me, to teach me, to instill in me more of him. And hopefully, to do it with a little less struggle than I had in '09.

Be blessed friends.