Wrapping and Unwrapping

Welp. Here we are. End of one year and cusp of another. I'll be honest, I never make New Year's resolutions, I think they're a bit hokey and lend themselves to huge failure rates. But recently I have been thinking a lot about this past year and growing more and more excited for 2011. Which, honestly, is really kind of strange for me because I'm really not a big event-type guy. Here's my view: if you weren't doing it before, you most likely will not do it after. And I don't mean for that to sound pessimistic, but I just think it's rational. If you weren't working out and eating right before January 1^st, what makes you think you'll do anything different after? Changes like that are lifestyle choices, in my opinion. If you don't change your lifestyle altogether, a different day on the calendar most likely will not change things for you. That and I worked membership sales at a gym for some time, so I know first-hand how true this is.

I've mentioned this before, but working these wackadoo international hours really gives me a lot of time to reflect-sometimes probably too much. But here recently, it's been good. As I look back over 2010, I can't help but feel thankful for where I am. It has been a good year. It has also been one of the most trying years I've had in recent memory, but it has been great nonetheless. So far, here's a few things that I picked up:

• Cherish friendships. If there is one thing that got me through 2010, it was the people around me. Which in itself is a bit of a contradiction, because this year, more than most, I've let people go out of my life. And not that that's a bad thing, but I realized this year that I was investing a lot of time and energy into friendships and relationships that really weren't reciprocating much if any of that investment. So slowly and quietly, I slipped into the background of a lot of scenes and let my 'friends' seek me out a little more. I had a suspicion as to which ones would and which ones would inevitably fade themselves. And for the most part, I was pretty spot on. I'll say this though, it was a bit surprising when some people, who at one point had poured out their heart and pledged their undying allegiance to our friendship, fell off and became no more familiar to me than my local Starbuck's barista. There were those that I could almost predict were calling for some favor or reference; a job opening, an introduction to so-and-so, who knows so-and-so and just as quickly were gone without so much as a 'thank you.' Or the ubiquitous 'can you help me move Saturday?' friends. But that's ok. That's life. But this, more than anything, taught me to cherish those that are in my life simply because they care about me and want the best for me. These are the ones I invested in and these are the ones that got me through this year.
  
• There is wisdom in counsel. This is one of those things I've 'known' in the theoretical sense, but this year I've seen become more real in my life than almost any other 'epiphany' I can readily point to. In fact, so many of my solid decisions that I've made this year I can point to phone calls made to a select three to four people that honestly took the time to pray for me, pray with me and lend the best advice they could garner from their God-given wisdom.
  
• Take care of yourself. This seems really simple, but I think this, too, has come into a pretty sharp focus this year. It was either Rev. Run or Russell Simmons that said 'you're no good to anyone, if you're not good to yourself.' And I realize that comes across as some privy little fortune cookie quote, but it was really something that stuck with me. Be good to yourself. All the time. As much as you can. And not in a conceited, self-centered way. But I honestly believe I am a son of God. A prince of the Most High. Co-heir with Christ. All those things we're supposed to believe, but we never really do—I mean we don't really believe them in such a deep-rooted way that it shapes our daily lives. So I learned to be good to myself. Maybe it's because I realized I'm closer I'm closer to 30 than I am to 21, but I want this body to last me for a while. I want to play catch and basketball with my kids. And at the rate I'm going, those won't be around for quite some time. So I lift and run and try not to put too much junk in my system. But not just physically—emotionally, spiritually. As much as I can feel when I eat junk food and forget to work out for a few days, I can feel when I haven't been consistent in the Word or forget to include Jesus in my day-to-day. This was also part of the reason I cut off some people from my life. If they became too emotionally taxing, they were gone. And not that they were bad, but I'm good to myself. I respect and cherish myself. So if I don't mistreat myself, why would I allow someone else to? Yeah I'm talking a little about relationships here, but seriously, if you don't respect and honor yourself, why would you expect someone else to? I have this rule when it comes to 'talking' or 'seeing' someone. And maybe it's off and could perhaps use a little tweaking, but it's something like this: I am really, REALLY good at being single and I honestly enjoy it. And, in my mind, if I'm allowing someone else in my world and possibly looking at the chance of starting a relationship with her, she ought to bring more to the table than she takes away. Simply put, if it's harder being with someone than it is being single, what's the point? I don't have to argue with myself when I'm single. I don't have to apologize to myself for being rude or disrespectful. I'm good to me. So if someone comes along and isn't as good to me as I am, I move on. I realize this seems a little ego-centric, but it's a simple cost-benefit analysis, if the person I'm looking to possibly start a relationship with takes away more than she deposits in my life-it is unhealthy. Be good to yourself.
  
• Be humble. I'm obviously still working on this one, but it's one of the things that God's really been pulling on my heart about. Short and sweet—if you have to tell everyone how great you really are, you're probably not that great.
  
• Be who you are and let others worry about whether they like it or not. This year, I've had some pretty good discussions with other Christians on everything from politics, to the role of the church in society to beer. And that's cool. There are some gray areas that are just open for interpretation. I don't think anyone is going to hell for disagreeing with me. But at the same time, I quit worrying about impressing others. I was never very good at it to begin with, so why bother? I am who I am and that's all that I am. Pretty good right? Popeye. It simply comes down to this, if you wouldn't like me for who I really am, why would I mask some of that to meet your comfort level? You can have your views and I'll have mine. I love Jesus and he loves us both, so why sweat the details?
  

And while none of these have really turned into a checklist of resolutions for 2011, there are some definite areas I would like to improve on.

• I would like to make wiser decisions with my life. Now, more than in other years I'm seeing the consequences of making dumb choices when I was a dumb kid in the world. Yeah, there's grace that covers your sin, but there are also consequences for living an undisciplined life. I don't want to have to look back in my 30s and wish I had made better choices in the bottom half of my 20s.
  
• I want to be known as a man of my word. A man of integrity. I think of my dad here. But the man was old-school. I mean old-west, old-school. He was a man that would say no before he said yes to most things. And while that aggravated everything in me when I wanted a new toy, I can appreciate now that he was also a man of his word. If he said he would do something or he would be somewhere you could write it in stone. In fact, in the years he raised me, I can think of only one time he ever said he would do something and it fell through. We were playing basketball one day and had to cut it short. He promised me we would pick the game up the following week, but never did. The reason? Shortly thereafter, he was admitted into the hospital to fight a two-year fight that would eventually take his life. He was a man of his word. He wasn't a man that 'overcommitted' or 'double-booked' himself, fancy lexicon we've come up with today to diffuse a situation when we drop the ball and show there is a flaw in our integrity—a lack in the value of our word. I want to be known as that man.
  
• I think, finally, I want to be more of a man of purpose. I heard from a friend recently that I had not talked to in almost a year and in the catching up, the most honoring thing I think she said to me was 'César, you're a man that sets goals and reaches them.' She reminded me about a year ago when, over coffee, I mapped out my 12, 18 and 24 month goals. Life happened and we just kinda fell off for almost a year, but it was cool to be able to show her how in a little less than a year I was past some of my 18-month goals. I wasn't bragging, honest, we were just catching and she was the one to point out where in the map I was.
  

I want to be more of that man. A man that can reach and achieve. A man that can lead with diligence and honor. A man that can have a life of integrity, honor and honesty. And even if no one is around to see it or cheer for it, I'll be that man. Because if 2010 was any indication, most won't notice and the few that do, most may not care. And that's ok too, I don't do it for anyone to laud and applaud. I do it to impress my God and appease my conscience. And while I know this isn't quite some tangible checklist of resolutions for 2011, this is what I'm shooting for. So bring it 2011. I'm ready for you.

Why Are You Chasing Me?

This is something that has been on my heart a lot lately. I heard it quietly in my spirit some weeks back and has recently become a banner. A loud, obnoxious inescapable question I keep finding over and over again.

Let me explain. I started this whole "I'm not dating" experiment some months back, and not because I thought it would be fun, or even honestly because I thought I needed it. I haven't dated in about a year and a half now. But it started, like many things of the faith do, with a whisper. I felt it in my spirit one day and after praying about it and talking to my counsel about it, we all felt pretty comfortable that this is what God was leading me to do. Shortly after starting this process, I really felt like God was impressing on me that this was a time for preparation, a season to grow and learn and to sort of 'make room' for the woman he has in store for me. So I went with it. I took up cooking, I picked up a few new hobbies, read a few more books—wanna know a secret? I even listened to country music. Crazy right!? Don't be too impressed, it was very sparse and I was very snobbish about it. I listened to like, two songs, and they were either classics-Cash or very well written-Asleep at the Wheel. But point is, for the first part of this, I very much felt like God was literally preparing me for my wife. The balance to this is that I'm not always a hopeless romantic. I try to have a pretty good balance between Cloud Nine romanticism and real life pragmatism. So I insist on opening every door, every time when I'm with a girl, but I'm ok if she picks up the tab from time to time—I'm not trying to go broke dating a girl. So I knew that in this preparation God wasn't necessarily promising me that at the end of this season he would magically fabricate the perfect woman and divinely place her in my world. I try to not treat God like my magic genie. But I knew there was a reason this was the season he had me in.

Lately this season has taken an interesting turn. One of the things I've felt a lot recently is this very question:   Why are you chasing me? Initially, I wanted to have a very holy, Sunday School-esque type answer. Oh thou Lord Almighty of the Heavens, who am I that thou shall thinketh of me? I am but a vessel at thy's…thou's..beck and call…. Haha. Right? But Jesus and I have a strict no BS policy. See, the way I see it, he already knows what I feel and think, so why lie to him about it? And if I was real honest with myself, and with him, I knew what I was doing. I was chasing him in this season and going through this 'exciting' adventure of singleness and learning and 'character growth' really, really hoping that he has an amazing woman for me at the end of all this. A really fine, gorgeous woman that happens to be amazed at the character growth I've experienced and thinks there is an impressive, understated, eloquence to my walk and the discipline and self-control I've exhibited during these last few months. Haha. He caught me. I knew and He knew. While I wasn't necessarily treating God like my personal magic genie, I was definitely in it to see what I was getting out of it more so than out of simple obedience. That's when he said it. Why are you chasing me? Isn't it funny that God will ask you questions you both already knew the answer to? So I went with it. –OK Lord, you know why and I know why. Obviously it's off somewhere or it wouldn't be a topic right now. So what do I need to change? The answer was simple.

Nothing.

              Nothing?

                 Nothing.

Keep doing what you're doing, but answer this: if you got nothing out of this. Absolutely nothing. No wife, no epic life lessons, no promise of an amazing wife, no divine intervention in your dating game—would you still be doing this? And there it was. That's where I was off. While I wasn't banking on the idea that God was magically orchestrating the cosmos to improve my dating game, I was really, really, really hoping he was.

So it comes down to this. Am I chasing him in this season to see what I can get out of him? Or am I chasing him because he's my God and my Father that loves me and wants to spend time with me?

It wasn't the easiest or deepest revelation in this whole season—in fact, I feel like a lot of these 'revelations' aren't really all that Earth-shattering. But it was something I was off on. So here's me. Chasing Jesus on this season he told me to go on, with absolutely no promise of anything. Funny thing is, I don't hate it. I don't want to be uber-pious or anything, but it's ok. He's never cheated me and He's never shorted me. If He has an amazing wife for me somewhere down the line, that's great. If she's just around the corner that would be amazing. If not, that's amazing too. See, while you can chase God for what He has in his hands; I believe, you don't really get to know God and experience God until you stop caring so much what He has in his hands and start seeking His face.

Paul said something like –I wish you were all lifetime bachelors like I'm a lifetime bachelor, for the call of God. I don't think he had a sweet bachelor pad though. But what if? What if that's what God had for you? Would you be willing to chase after that? What's our belief system? Is it that God is bigger and greater than our dreams and wishes? Or is it that He has to fit into our dreams and wishes? I don't believe God will ever cheat you or short you. Ever. "You can't out-give God," that's what the preacher says when he wants you to give more money right? But what if you really can't? What if you can't out-give God and the single life he has for you is a thousand times more amazing than the married life you thought you would have? Crazy talk? Maybe. But what if? What are we really seeking Him for? For what he can give us? Or to give him a miniscule of an offering for the life and salvation He's given us? Maybe he wants me to be single the rest of my life and move to a monastery-that might be kind of cool. Those dudes practice Kung Fu right? Or maybe He wants me to learn to chase him for no other reason than He is God. Either way, I have to trust and know and believe that he is God and he knows what he's doing.

Why are you chasing?

Time Out

I'm a little more than halfway through this little journey I decided to take on. And what's funny is that I feel as though I should be so much wiser and so much more 'enlightened' by now. But sadly, nothing. At least nothing exciting. So what have I picked up in this endeavor so far? Honestly? Not a whole lot. Seriously. But I kind of expected this too. In fact, I knew going into this, that it was more of a 'discipline' exercise than it was a 'huge-earth-shattering-epiphany' exercise. I have learned a little about myself and some about the environment and the season I'm in, but nothing exciting or even all that uplifting. Ha!

But here it is:

• When you're focusing on being single, everyone around you decides to get married. Literally. Everyone. I almost feel bad for how many weddings are going on around me because at this point it's just kind of another date on the calendar for me. Not that I'm not ecstatic for my friends that are getting married and starting this wonderful life together, but when kids I used to teach in Sunday school start sending wedding invitations, it starts feeling more like a joke that's been beat to death than a new, exciting chapter in someone's life.
  
• Which brings me to my next 'revelation.' The danger in being single for so long is that it can make you very jaded and very cynical. This is dangerous for someone that naturally has a no-nonsense approach to romance and life in general, but again, when my old Sunday school kids are getting married, it's hard not to laugh at the irony of it all.
  
• Not thinking about pink elephants will inevitably lead to you thinking about pink elephants. That's the old idiom right? I've been single for well over a year and a half now and for the most part, it wasn't that bad. In fact, I think I got to be pretty good at it. But now that I'm 'focusing' on being single it's like a whole new season just appeared in my life. Nothing has really changed, but now that I'm focusing on it, it seems so much more difficult! It's weird, I'm usually not one of those relationship guys-I mean, I'm not the type that always wants to be in a relationship. In fact, my track record is one where I'm usually single for a very long time before I decide to commit and settle down with one girl. But this season for some reason seems so much more difficult to not get nostalgic or daydream about has been and what could be.
  
• God works in the little things. I don't necessarily think I 'learned' this here, but it has definitely served as a bold reminder. This season has me spending so much time alone that it's like I have no choice but to talk to God. All the time. But this has probably been my favorite part of this whole journey so far. I do almost everything alone. And not in a negative connotation, but I'm pretty consistently on my own, which has forced me to grow and learn about everything I never wanted to know. I've spent more time in the produce section of HEB picking out bell peppers these last few months than I ever have in the last 27 years! But all this alone time, I have so much more time to talk to God. And it's been awesome. I wish this could also mean that I've been a 'great' Christian for the most part, but sadly, I've dropped the ball more times than I'd like to count. I'll spare you the details, but even in my alone time, God has not left me. Which is comforting and sobering at the same time. Anytime I drop the ball, he's there to quickly rebuke and rebut. But on the other side, when I'm feeling just kind of down and out, he's there to encourage and speak life into me. In all this time, I've also gotten some pretty heavy---'revelations' I guess you could call them. Which is also exciting. And scary at the same time. One of the things he's impressed on my heart pretty heavy lately is the desire to pray for my wife. Which I'll be honest, I'm not a huge fan of. I love the idea that I'm praying for this woman that I've never met and that somehow, spiritually, the things that I'm praying for now, somehow have some huge, tangible impact on her life. But honestly, it's hard. It's like if I'm trying not to think about pink elephants but I have to pray about pink elephants at the same time, I'm just pulling at myself from opposite directions…
  

I'll be real here and a little raw. I hate how much this season has made me dependent on God. There. I said it. I. Hate. It. It's hard and it's humiliating. To think that at 27, I still don't have my world put together enough that he has to set me apart for some season of God-knows-what to learn God-knows-what. I feel like a little kid that got grounded. I feel like so much is being taken away from me, even though I never had it to begin with. Like I did something wrong and I'm having to sit in time-out to think about what I've done. And it sucks. It sucks that there's no appeal process, no bargaining, no pleading. Just take it for what it is. And the worst part is, I have a choice. I can choose to go through this season and be obedient or ignore it and do whatever the heck I want. And I honestly wish sometimes, I would just choose the latter. But history and experience have taught me that when I do that, I'll inevitably end up right back here doing this exact same thing, wishing I had done it earlier. It sucks.

So I sit and think. And learn. And promise to grow and be nice and kind and thoughtful and whatever else I'm supposed to pick up from this season. I know this isn't all that uplifting and encouraging, but I just want to be real for a second. I don't like being disciplined. But more than that, I don't like being undisciplined. I've been there. I've made undisciplined choices with my life before and suffered the consequences of it. So if there is a silver lining here, it's a small one. A very small, faint one that I have to cling onto for dear life. If going through a season of learning discipline and building character and integrity sucks. It's infinitely better than going through a life never having learned those things.

And that's what I hold onto. The fact that God knows what he's doing. The fact and the history that he's never let me down and he's never cheated me or shorted me when he promised me something big. So I sit. And wait. And learn. Wishing I could plea and negotiate some sort of clemency, but deep down knowing even if he granted it, I wouldn't take it.

Proverbs 15:5. Only a fool despises a parent's discipline; whoever learns from correction is wise.

What is this for?

This is an interesting season I'm in. I knew it would be a bit desolate, personally and socially, when I walked into it, but I had little foresight into what this would really look like. Sometimes it's fun and exciting, I'm discovering new music, new interests, new hobbies, new friends—I sometimes feel like a puppy wandering outside of my backyard for the first time. I want to smell everything, touch everything, run everywhere…pee on everything! And then there are weeks like my last one. Not as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. A little slower, a little lonelier, a little more boring. And honestly, this is one of those weeks where I wonder: what's all this for? I mean really? Can I explicitly communicate what I'm believing God for, for a minute? At 27, I feel like God has 'told' me to not date, anyone, not casually, not exclusively, not to even have the appearance of dating. To dedicate not just my time, but my energies to being single and focusing on my 'walk' with Him. Does this sound crazy to anybody else? Take yourself out of your Christian box for a minute and look at this on a logical, no-nonsense level. I 'heard' from God? I seriously think anyone in the world would think I'm officially, certifiably crazy. And, some days, I wouldn't bother to argue.

So what is this for? What the hell am I doing? And why? I've asked God these very questions from time to time (this wasn't one of my weeks where I felt everything was 'for' me). Let me give you a glimpse into my day to day. I work international business hours-Australian Eastern Standard Time to be exact. Which means, I work Sunday nights through Friday mornings. On any given day I may get to the office as early as 4pm or as late as 8pm and leave anywhere between 1am and 5am. Insane. And lonely. I sleep later than I would like on most days and talk to fewer people than I would like. I'm in a desert. And for what? Because I think God 'told' me something? I feel like I'm being a bit dramatic here, but is this what anyone in the Bible felt like? You want me to do what God? And go where? And say what? You're trippin.

This week was more interesting than most. I was sick most of the week and I'm just now getting over whatever bug had his way with me. I won't lie, on more than one occasion I was nostalgic for relationships past. I so wanted to have my girl that would come over after work, bring some soup, a Redbox, some meds and just bum with me on the couch with absolutely no regard that I'm unshaven, in sweats and sound like Darth Vader after a second puberty. She'd call and text a few times during the day just to check on me. Honey, do you need anything? How are you feeling Babe? I'm sorry Amor, I'll come over soon. I'd try and talk her out of it because I wouldn't want her to catch whatever I have, but she'd assure me she'll be fine and besides if she did, I'd have to baby her, she'd remind me. But no one was there for that. Kind of. Here's what's funny--when you're growing, at least with me, God will give you outs. He'll give you chances to tap out and take the easy road. One of the biggest things I've had on my heart these past few months has been the word Integrity. Who are you? I ask myself. Who are you really, César? When it's you and Jesus, when you look in the mirror, are you happy with the man that looks back? Not physically—well yeah, a little physically, but character-wise, are you pleased? Can you say that the man you are is the man God can trust? So on more than one occasion, in several actually, I had friends offer to come and do just those things. Girl, friends. Now, I know none of it was romantic. I think I just have great friends that probably know I'm quite inept at taking care of myself most days, let alone when I'm battling a bug. And it was tempting. I even had one friend that I'm pretty comfortable with, volunteer to come and play 'housewife' for a few days. She didn't mean it in any romantic sense whatsoever; she's seeing a great guy, actually. We've just developed a pretty comfortable friendship where we tend to talk about a lot of sensitive things and I think that's the comfort level we're at. But, I had a few chances to have a stand-in girlfriend, if even for a few days. And I didn't want it. I mean, I did. But not from any of those girls, no offense, but I just didn't. I wanted my girl.

See, for me, integrity right now is probably THE biggest thing on my heart. I want to like the man I am. I want to love the man I am. I want to give my wife, my future girlfriend, a complete man. I want to have a walk with God that brings good fruit. No, I'm not perfect. Nowhere near, but I want to have a walk that I can present to my wife and say –here, here's my life before you and without you. Poke around. I'm not hiding anything, I'm not ashamed of anything, I'm not embarrassed of anything. There's nothing to explain away and there's nothing that needs clarification. You're the girl I've been waiting for; you're the girl I've been building for.

I knew a girl who had a guy for a best friend. And that's cool; I think it's normal and healthy to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex. But this one was a bit much. The best friend was like the stand-in boyfriend. They had dinner together, she went out of her way for him on a normal basis, they shared those cute little inside jokes, they were a bit touchy. And that's NOT bad. Some people communicate and are ok operating on that level. But I'm not. And maybe my wife won't be. But I just remember thinking 'when she gets a man, he probably won't like that friendship being so…cozy.' And I don't want that. I don't want to have to explain anything to my wife. There are no 'girl best friends' in my world. No girl that is my stand-in girlfriend. No girl that will have to be removed to make room for when my girl gets here.

So this week was about that. It was about her. I don't know her. I don't know who she is or where she is. I do know that, this week, I gave her my best. I learned a little more about being self-sufficient and a little more about taking care of myself. No one saw it, no one cared. And honestly, it would not have been wrong to take up any of my friends on offers to bring over soup, or meds or just bum with me on the couch. But the absence of a negative does not intrinsically create a positive. You like that? Deep right? Got that from one of my Bible study boys, wish I could take credit for it, but it wasn't mine. Haha. Point is this: I don't want to have a life or track record or closet that my future wife won't be able to poke around in. There won't be any girls to explain away. No girls to remove or replace. And no girls that my wife will look at and think 'hmm….they're really, really close for friends.' So maybe it's not wrong, but it's also not right. Maybe more importantly, it's not my best. And whoever she is, wherever she is, she deserves my best, and she's getting my best. I really do hope she's good at taking care of me when I'm sick though, because I'm miserable when I'm ill. And, no surprise, completely worthless. But that's what this is for. She's who this is for.

I knew this season of preparation was for a lot of things and a lot of projects. And God has definitely placed a lot of things on my heart that I'm going to grow out of and into in the coming months. But I know one thing; very clearly, this season is for my wife as much as it is for me. So maybe I am a little crazy—'hearing' from God and all. And dedicating a season of my life to this 'call' I supposedly heard. But when I look around and see the failure rate in marriages, the heart ache, the tears, the years of rebuilding after a failed marriage, maybe I'm ok being a little crazy. Maybe it's ok to go a bit overboard on the integrity and character building. Maybe, my wife will be ok with me giving her too much. And maybe, just maybe, God knows what He's doing after all and this gem He has for me deserves my best. Deserves my all. So let's keep on. Let's build some character and some integrity and a man she'll be proud to call her husband. Whoever she is though, she owes me some couch time and a few good Redbox movies, retroactively.

For You and Against You

I haven't been able to shake this thought lately: are things happening for you or to you? Or I suppose better yet, is the world for you or against you? Is your life for you or against you?

A few weeks back I was shopping at for a new watch. Not just any watch, I was looking for a very specific watch, I had a specific style I was hunting for that day. I don't usually 'accessorize' but if I ever buy something along those lines, my Dad always taught me to buy quality. And I gotta say, I was feeling pretty good about it. The style I was looking for was very clean, very neo-classic, like something out of Esquire. This was for Cory's wedding that I was 'accessorizing,' so it wasn't just me going on a shopping spree. But the whole day I was looking for very specific items, cuff links, a French-cuff button down shirt, size 17 ½ X 14-15, buttoned double-back suspenders, a very specific belt—I was going for a very classic 'gentleman' look. The type my father sported. And in the middle of this, I couldn't stop but realize how fortunate I really was. It wasn't the clothes or cuff links or anything I was buying that day, but the freedom of having everything paid for for the month, my savings account at a comfortable level, my tithes and offerings taken care of, some local philanthropy checked off, and in the middle of all this, I was shopping for a condo downtown. I felt very, very fortunate. I don't mention any of this to brag. It was all a reflection of what God has brought me from. Not just in the last year or two, but in life. My mom always reminds me how fortunate and 'wealthy' we are compared to the country we came from. In México, it would be unheard of for a family to have two or three cars, let alone every member of that family own their own vehicle, debt-free. I was just really thankful in that moment for the career God has placed me in, the work ethic he instilled in me through Mom and Dad and thankfully, the wisdom and discipline he's taught me here recently to be able to handle all this. Not that I'm, by any means, where I would like to be or that I feel any sense of 'arrived' or 'accomplished,' but I was thankful.

And then I met Patrick. I walked into a watch shop and Patrick was on his cell. He was very curt and disengaged. Being in sales, something that stuck out immediately. So I shopped around a bit, all while overhearing his conversation—we were the only two in the shop, so it's not like I was eavesdropping, but not like I could ignore it either. I asked to see a watch or two and in small talk came to find out that Patrick was going through a helluva time. He was within a few weeks of getting evicted, he hated his job, he had no family here had a huge fall out with the few friends he did have and was either facing homelessness or selling all his stuff to scrape up some money to move back home with mom and dad a few states away. I felt bad for him, but in the moment, I was honestly just kind of listening, but not with a lot of interest. Guess I was really the one who was in the wrong. So I gave him a little bit of an ear, told him I would pray for him and good luck. And walked out.

As I went from shop to shop looking for the rest of my list, I couldn't get Patrick out of my mind. And little by little felt more and more convicted to go and speak life to him. See, there are a lot of 'spiritual' things I don't do well, and that list is pretty extensive. But one thing I feel I've always had a pretty good grip on is what God says about you versus what the enemy says about you, and thankfully, I think, I've always been able to communicate that to people in some sense. Some people call this 'encouragement' I just think it's truth. So it's like speaking about anything else to people. Like another branch of small talk, it all revolves around relatable facts —weather's nice today isn't it? Yeah a little hot, it should reach 90. –Cowboys lost again. Yeah, I really hope they can turn it around. –Oh and by the way, God thinks you're a winner. So, I brainstormed to think of what I could do for Patrick, I didn't just want to go in there and give him some Jesus pep-talk with no tangible sense of help. So I made a couple calls, dug up a few contacts and decided I would send Patrick to a few friends that might be able to help. When I went back to see Patrick he was alone again, still on the phone. He got off and I ran my plan by him. Gave him a number to a place that I KNOW is hiring, gave him the number to someone that is looking for a few roommates and gave him my number if he needed any more help or any other contacts. Now, I don't share all this for some ego-centric expose on what a great guy I am, because I'm not. Pretty sure I wanted to walk away and say a quick 'Jesus, bless Patrick' from my car. It was Jesus that made me go back to talk to him. But, here's why I share this: as I was talking to Patrick and pitching my ideas of whom he should contact and why, he had a rebuttal for everything I had for him. It was incredible! According to him, he had already interviewed at the place and they more or less mocked him and laughed in his face because he was 'over-qualified,' he didn't want to have another roommate that might 'screw him over again' and wasn't even sure how he would move his stuff out. I didn't know what to say. So I ignored his arguments and told him that God has big plans for him. God's plan is for him to succeed and not fail. It wasn't a magic formula, God will bless the man that puts his hand to the plow, but God's plan is definitely not for failure—which I gathered is what Patrick was feeling.

But what really stuck with me was not how beat up Patrick felt, but how much he felt like everything and everyone was against him. And it made me check myself. How many times have I felt cheated and blamed God for HIS oversight that he would allow something so catastrophic to happen to me?! Does he know who I am? Has he seen my resume?! I speak two languages-and studied a third for eight years! I served in youth ministry! Preposterous, I know, but I seriously treat God this way. How many times have I questioned God on his plan for my life? Does he even know what he's doing with my career? Does he know how long I've been faithful? Doesn't he realize what an awesome husband I would make for one of his really, really hot daughters? Why does he allow 'bad' things to happen to me? As I dug up all this within myself, I felt embarrassed. How much doubt and anger have I spewed at God over the years, when in the end, the very thing I was begging him to deliver me from was the thing he used to catapult me to my next 'glory?' For me, it's so easy to forget where God has brought me from. My kids will be first generation Americans and I STILL forget how good I really have it. A lot of times, I have to confess: I get caught up in everything that has 'happened' to me and see it as things that are against me. But when I read the letter he wrote me, he assures me, EVERYTHING works out for my good, because I love him and he's called me, according to his purpose. So why do I trip? Because I'm flawed. There's still a degree of brokenness that God is working out of me. There are still days when I straight tell him, 'God, your plan for my life? Not digging it right now. Gotta level with you Daddy, it kinda sucks.' And I have to realize: my life is FOR me. My circumstances are FOR me. My career and single life are FOR me. Even if at some point, some, if not, all, seem to be against me—these things are all for me. I gave them all to God years ago and at that point he took over and made everything for me. It seems like he knew I would feel like this from time to time. Maybe that's why he says that ALL things work out in my favor and he says things like 'if God is for us, then who can be against us?' These all seem like cute coffee-mug quotes, but how often do we really live like that? How often does God come to us with an amazing plan, an amazing dream, or God-forbid, an amazing opportunity for growth that will stretch us out of comfort zone and we argue with him?! No, no, God, you don't understand, MY circumstances are really, REALLY bad. If we supposedly believe these things, when do we start living like it? Not sure about the rest of you, but from here on out, my life is FOR me. My pain is FOR me. My desert season is for me and my harvest season is for me. And regardless of what growth I go through, it is FOR me. It didn't 'happen' to me, I'm not a victim of circumstance; I'm a son of The King. I'm the one he talks about in the Bible when he says he's counted my hair. I'm the one it talks about when it says that he has great plans for me. I'm the one it talks about when it says that he loved me so much that he gave up his life for me and my sin. My life is FOR me and yours is FOR you. The enemy might try to come and convince you otherwise, but God has big plans for you, and if he's for you, who then, can stand against you?

As I write this, I'm having a hellacious week at work and I'm fighting this cold that's kept me in bed for the better part of the last three days. But it is for me. No, it's not God's plan for me to be sick and why I'm still fighting it, I don't know. Let's not be melodramatic here though, pretty sure it's just a seasonal cold. But nonetheless, this is all working for me-not against me. And your life and your struggles are for you too. Don't cheat yourself out of an amazing opportunity for growth and maturity because you're too far out of your comfort zone. Don't settle for mediocrity in your life because you feel like this is as good as it gets. God has the best for you, go get it.

I really do pray for Patrick, a lot, actually. I know he felt beat up and had an excuse for every solution I pitched at him, but I know my God and my God has big plans for Patrick too.

It’s ok to be lonely.

It occurred to me the other day that in every season of desert there must be a season of loneliness. I suppose I let my naïveté get the better of me to not realize this sooner, but I hadn't given much forethought to this 'desert' season I'm in. When I really think about it, it makes complete sense that every analogy of God building you in the desert goes hand in hand with you being alone. To be frank, when it first occurred to me that I would have to encounter and maybe worse yet, embrace this season of loneliness, I really just kind of shrugged it off. I think it was my own way of not dealing with reality. You know how some people will ignore life hoping it'll just go away and they'll wake up to find everything better? I think that was my initial reaction the first time this thought crossed my mind.

But here I am. Lonely. And I guess it's not so bad. Honestly, I think I probably brought a little of this upon myself. A few months back, I started praying –God, make me completely Christ-sufficient, not man (or woman) dependent. It's how I took up cooking. I realized, in the most non-chauvinistic way possible, the only real reason I would ever 'need' a woman in my life is because I was completely inept at feeding myself. I was eating a lot of tuna and PB&Js and going through the exact same repertoire of foods day to day. Because, somewhere in me I thought I would just lack that part of my life until I found the woman that was supposed to fulfill it. When I realized this, I concluded that this was a deficiency. Here's my theory: I don't want to be needed. I don't. I don't want my wife to be with me out of necessity. Sure it sounds romantic and sweet to look at someone and say –I NEED you in my life. But do you really? If you do, it almost seems kind of sad. A symbiotic relationship based purely or even partly on a lack of something. I don't want to be needed, I want to be chosen. And I really don't want to need anybody. I would much rather look at my wife and say –You're getting a complete man. I don't need anything, I don't lack anything, I don't need you to fill any emotional holes in my life or otherwise. But, Honey, I WANT to be with you. I want to spend time with you because you make me smile, you make my life easier and I enjoy being around you. You don't complete me, but you complement me. So I started praying, God help me to cook (seriously, I did), but more than that, help me to rely 100% solely, purely on you. Make me a complete man that lacks nothing, so when I choose my wife, I can, with integrity, tell her that she is my chosen. Not my nanny, or my mommy, or my silly putty to fill some void in my life. But my chosen.

Guess I really didn't that one through. Or really think he was listening. Turns out, he was.

I've been looking for a new home church lately. Nothing bad happened, no Earth-shattering event, no juicy gossip to pass on, I just felt like moving on. Two things I've learned so far. One, God is faithful. He is really, really, REALLY faithful. Every service I've sat in, every worship song I've sang seems like it has been a divine appointment for me. Like the Holy Spirit called ahead and made reservations for me. I've been dealing with some junk in my heart lately that honestly, needed to be sorted out and God's been faithful to point this out and bring it out of me. From being a light in your corporate world, to not holding grudges to the enemy attacking you with past sin. All of it has been for me. Songs about grace, new beginnings, His unending love for us. All of it. And I learned that he's faithful through my mistakes. I realized today, I haven't prayed one second about this move. I felt an inkling in my gut that it was time to move on and God stayed with me. Not one second of –God, what do you want for me? Not one thought of –Father, lead me. Nothing. Just up and moved. Truth be told, it was maybe a little out of resentment, but nothing too deep or anything I want to share here. But today, I gently felt the Spirit of God speak to me –Where am I in this? It was in the middle of worship. And I knew exactly what he was referring to. Not the worship, not the service, but me. Where am I in the middle of this? I felt so bad. Like when you're dating someone serious and you completely run them over with no regard for their schedule, their feelings or their input and you realize all your plans for 'us' were your own. I felt that today. But even in my failures, in my selfishness He's been faithful to provide and been faithful to steer and been faithful to not forget about me, but rather cater to me and love on me and provide for me. It seems like that's what unselfish love looks like—giving the other person their way even when you KNOW you're 100% in the right and they're 100% in the wrong. Can't say I've ever been that selfless in my life. But in this, I learned love. I learned that he provides and I learned He's with me in my loneliness and my selfishness.

I don't mean to be melodramatic, but have you ever looked for a new church on your own? It's lonely. Literally every service I've been to I've known no one (except for one, but that one wasn't on my plan, it was an invite to go see a friend lead worship). And that's kind of ok. In this season, God is rearranging me, building me, molding me. He took Moses, David and Jesus all out in the desert before he did something great with them. He took their gifts, their talents, their desires and stirred them, fueled them, uncovered them and birthed them. So here I am. A little bit lonely, but for a good cause. A little scared, but protected. A little bored, but fulfilled. I know my God is with me and I know he won't leave me. So even if in this season I have to see almost no one and be around almost no one and miss everyone. I know I'm not alone.

I honestly don't know what's going to come of this 'shifting' season. Like I said, I honestly haven't even prayed about it. So I'll pray and I'll walk and I'll take a wrong turn or two. I'll run and stammer and climb and slip. But I'll walk with my Jesus and I'll fill you in when I know.

-César Ivan.

Wisdom of a Man

A little bit ago I had lunch with one of the few people in my inner circle, one of my mentors who I consider part of my 'council.' See, I'm fortunate to have a very small, select group of people in my life that has full access into my life and into my heart. This man blows me away every time I talk to him—and oh we talked. He's a talker, I'm a talker, our 'quick' lunch meeting turned into a two hour brainstorming and sharing session. But he blows me away every time I talk to him—the dreams he has and chases at 50+ years of age, the way he believes and pours into those everyone else has checked out on—including me. I can honestly say he's one of the few genuine men I know in life. Anyways, he shared some life advice with me that I've been chewing on ever since that I just can't get over.

I was sharing some of my dreams and plans for this next season in my life and I was telling him how I feel like I have this huge sense of urgency. How I think I might have finally figured out that my time on Earth is finite. And because of that, I feel like every step in my life has a bit of a 'hurry up' aspect to it. I want to hurry up and get these promotions. I want to hurry up and finish my undergrad and start my MBA. I want to hurry up and get so many things and milestones accomplished that sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge of spreading myself out too thin, and I haven't even done anything yet!

-Slow down. You're young. And believe me, you have time.

And this helped. I needed to hear that. I've felt like God's grown me so much and I feel like sometimes he's so quick to show me maturity that I feel like I'm 27 going on 40. It was good to hear from someone that's been where I'm at and done what I've done that my life is not a long list of to-do's. He encouraged me to enjoy the ride. Enjoy the season I'm in without losing focus on where God is leading me. You CAN do both—he assured me.

Which brought up dating. I almost hate talking about this so much, but this part of my life, or absence out of my life rather, seems to be a theme for this season I'm going through. We were talking about how I love being single. How I'm great at it, I could write a book about it, I could make a career out of it—all the jokes. But it was really cool to hear the perspective from someone that's coming up on 25 years of marriage!

-Enjoy your season brother. Enjoy where God has you, enjoy being a single man and all that has to offer, but don't let the enemy distract you. He'll try. He'll try hard. Stay focused. And know two things: what God has called you to and that what he's called you to is more amazing than anything you can come up with. The woman he has for you will blow you away. She'll be prettier than you can imagine. She'll be more amazing than you can imagine and she'll be more fun than you can imagine. She may not be exactly what you think you want, but she'll be exactly what God knows you need. Marry someone that you can hang out with—all the time. Marry your best friend.

And that last part really stuck with me. There was a time when this was really a huge focus for me. If I could sum up my wife in a phrase, that would be it. I've always wanted to marry my best friend. But I've been single for so long and good at it for so long, that honestly, I just kind of put that priority list on the backburner. It was really good to hear from someone older and wiser that the wants that are deep in my heart are right on track with what makes a solid marriage—even 25 years later.

-Maximize where you're at. God will give you opportunities and lead you. He'll change gears on you and change seasons on you, but at all times maximize where you're at and take advantage of every opportunity God has put in front of you. All of them. Because you never know, that smallest opening, could lead to a huge breakthrough in your life.

And this, this, really helped. It's no secret that God has definitely changed gears on me in the last 12 months. After feeling like I was completely done in the corporate world and exhumed to never see it again—here I am. Back at it, climbing this ladder as fast as my human talent and ability will possibly let me, but all with a renewed purpose and drive in my life. What's amazing is that now, I can actually tell you, I have a passion for it! Weird, I know. Who has a passion for the corporate world? But when you understand the big picture and what God can do through these corporate channels, you get a little excited. The world I grew up in, I grew up coveting. I grew up wanting. Lacking. There was never enough. There was always a need. And the youth of my people, unfortunately, are in the same position. Mom and dad work two to three jobs at a little above minimum wage, just to maintain. So when these boys that are coming up in the hood see a drug dealer or a tough guy banging, they want that. They want the toys, the chains, the rims, the girls, the façade of prosperity and success without ever realizing that the life they envy and covet is a short road to a dead end stop. So if I can come from where they came from, and do what they wish they could do without the drugs, the guns and the violence, my success in the corporate world is now the hope for a generation of up and coming Latinos that only know 'clean' success in theory. That have only ever heard of these stories the way you and I hear about that guy that made it big in the NFL or made it through the last bubble and bust unscathed. So now this land God has me in carries a weight. It has a purpose. These promotions and raises are only tools. Tools to pour back into a people and generation chasing the wrong things and wanting the wrong things. Is it all about the monetary gains? No not at all. But if I know my Jesus. My Jesus will meet you where you're at. And it's much easier to get a Latino youth to listen to you when you have what they want. And when they ask why we do things differently? When they ask why I decided to take a different path for my life? Or here's my favorite: Mister, why did you do bad things and then decide to stop? What changed? That's my tee-ball baby! Oh you really wanna know? You sure you wanna hear what changed in my life? Sit down son, let me tell you about my man Jesus and what he did for me, my family and you and your family…

I'm fortunate to have incredible people in my life. Incredible people that believe in me, root for me and want the best for me. A lot of people don't and that's ok. There will always be people that doubt you, people that count you out. Even worse, people that 'have your back' only to peace out when your life doesn't meet their purpose. But every once in a while, you'll find a leader, a mentor that will have your back, that will believe in you when everyone else doubts. These leaders, these are the ones that will stick it out with you and believe in you when no one else will, they'll believe you can overcome any odds, do anything you set out to do. The rest? Who cares? They counted you out to begin with; who cares if they're in your corner or not? They'll only leave the first time you take a punch to the chin and God forbid you take stumble; they'll be on the other team's bleachers betting against you before the count hits three. But those that believe in you. Those that were in your corner when no one else was? Those that took a chance on you? Prove them right.

I thanked him for that, by the way. I thanked him for sticking with me and believing in me when a lot of other people didn't.

-I believe in you brother. I'm in your corner and I'm rooting for you. God is for you and I'm for you.

I'm fortunate to have people like this in my life.

Life Coach…

I've been chewing on this idea lately that I really want to be a life coach. When I worked at The University of Phoenix, part of my job entailed taking people from where they were to where they wanted to be. It was actually one of the most rewarding parts of my day-to-day, to take someone that had not sat in a college classroom in years, if ever, and help them take that first step to fulfill what was for many, a life-long dream. To draw out the courage and fear in them, the excitement and the hesitations to help them see why their dream could very much be a reality, a difficult reality, but a reality.

I think, for a lot of us, it's easy to look at our current situation and see the hurdles, the obstacles, all the reasons why not. But sometimes, I think, it takes an outside perspective to see the silver lining, to see the hope, to see the reasons why a dream is a possibility, to see how it can become a reality. And honestly, for most of us I think it's really just small changes. I mean, really, what's the difference between sitting in front of the TV playing Xbox all day and sitting in a classroom for five hours? Location and activity. Tiny changes. But you do one for four to five years and you have a college degree, you do the other and you have a collection of games you can maybe sell on Craigslist for $100. Right?

But change can be hard. If I'm honest with myself, more times than not, I really dislike getting out of my comfort zone. It's hard! I'll share a secret here. Until probably about six months ago, I didn't realize that a lot of change is actually permanent. I know, shocker right? But I had a small epiphany a while back when I realized that most of the change in my life is actually here for good, not just on a visit. I'll never be 25 again. I'll never have some of the jobs I've had. I'll never see some of the people I used to see. Life changes. And because of that hesitation to accept change, I think a lot of times people get stuck wishing and waiting for the past to come back. Maybe that's why there are so many quotes on moving forward. 'Your windshield is bigger than your rearview mirror for a reason,' 'Your eyes are in the front of your head so you can look forward and not backward,' etc. A lot of them are kinda gay. But I suppose they hold some truth right?

I was telling Cory the other day that when I was reading about the Israelites' journey, a few things really stuck out to me, especially as I was beginning this new trek in my life. First, the journey was only supposed to take nine days. The Bible says that from Egypt to the Promised Land was a nine day walk. What's that? Like a few hundred miles? And somehow they managed to screw it up bad enough that God had to keep them in the desert for 40 years. In fact, they screwed it up bad enough that the first generation never made it! Secondly, is that not only did they screw it up for a long time, but they screwed it up early! I mean, think about it, how hard is it to be faithful to God for nine days? All they had to do was to be 'good' for nine days and they screwed it up. So they screwed it up early and finally, they screwed it up a lot. Not only did they go wrong early, but they couldn't fix their act for 40 years. And I guess it's easy to be on this side of it because I've never walked through a desert. But really, how many times have we done that? We get on a 'diet' or workout plan only to fall off the wagon within the first few days or first few hours even. How many times have we been at an altar call, bawling, eyes puffy, snot running, promising God with all our might that our sin is done. That our sin is nailed on the cross or laid at the altar, or whatever pious imagery you want to convey, only to go home and drop the ball that same week? I know I've done all of it. A lot. If I told you some of the times I dropped the ball with God and the context within which I dropped the ball, you wouldn't help but think I'm half devil or half retarded. But trust me, I have.

But I don't want to be that guy. I don't want to be the guy that God gives a great opportunity to and can't be faithful. The guy that can't be faithful to God for nine days or 40 years. And a lot of my life is great. I'll be honest, I love my life right now.

We had Cory's bachelor party this weekend and it was amazing. A lot of guys showed up, we all pitched in and covered Cory's paintball, lunch, got him a pretty nice cigar, all of it. It was exactly what I was hoping for as the best man. And I couldn't help but look around and realize how awesome my life is right now. My best friend is marrying another one of my best friends and they're both amazing and amazing together. My little brother starts an amazing job next week—in MY office, a really sweet gig for being 20. I'm on the cusp of one or two really nice promotions. I'm moving downtown soon. Life is really good right now. And the great thing is that I know God is only making it better. But really, how great is my life? I mean it's a subjective measure right? I love my life. But does that mean God has nothing more in store for me? I have to believe he does. And while I have no metaphorical bondage or slavery that I'm asking God to deliver me from, I know he's called me on this journey. And I know he's spoken some very clear things in my heart. And I want to be faithful to those. I want to be the guy that made the trip in nine days, not in 40 years, or worse yet, didn't make the trip at all.

So how would I coach me? Little changes. I would take where I'm at and the things I'm doing well and do more of them. Work just a little harder. Study a little more. Meet personal deadlines a little quicker. And take those things I'm not so hot at and improve those little by little.

I want to be the man that one day can look at my wife and say, 'Honey, I can be faithful to a God I can't see, I give you my word that I'll be faithful to a wife I can hold.' Forgive me if that's cheesy, but that's a word I've very specifically heard in my heart over and over these last few weeks. I want to be the man that can pour into the youth of my people and give them authenticity. I want to be the man that can steward little. I want to be the man that God can trust with $5 and $5 million. I want to be the man that can be a great man for his friends and a great man for his wife.

So changes. Little ones. Baby steps, and lots of them. So here I go, coaching my first client, pro-bono. He'll test my patience; he'll probably slack at times and then put himself through a guilt trip he can't bear. He'll have amazing victories. He'll experience great triumphs. I'll reward him and discipline him. But I believe in him, he won't let me down. He's God's creation and in him lies the King's greatness and the King's potential. It all starts with changes. And we're starting some this week.

 

Everybody Has a Story…

Before I completely take off on this idea, I have to give credit where credit is due, I stole this idea from the fine folks over at InkedBlog.com, their motto is "Everybody has a story" and they invite people to share their stories on why they got their ink. Some are flippant and trivial; others are deep and soul moving. And while some of you may or may not have strong feelings against tattoos or body mods, can we all at least agree that it's a personal preference and not a 'Bible' thing? Because, I mean, really, if we're going by the Old Testament, we sin when we wear a poly-blend t-shirt. Just saying.

So whether you like them or not, here's my story.

I have to say, I've always really admired good art work on a person and I've always thought tattoos had a definite depth to them, if done right—I know a guy that tattooed the Apple logo on his arm and another chic that had a Velveeta cheese block on her thigh. Some I do have to wonder at the forethought that was invested. But I've always wanted mine to carry weight. To be meaningful and to be costly. Not necessarily in monetary terms, but all the ones I have are in spots that were pretty sensitive.

My first one is simple script that wraps around my left arm from the inside of my bicep, over the bone on my elbow out to the middle of my forearm. It reads, "Primero De Noviembre Dos Mil y Seis Dia De Vida Isaias 43:1-4". It means, "November First Two-Thousand-Six Day of Life Isaiah 43:1-4". I got this one a few years after I came to Christ. It's obviously the day I found Christ, but because God rarely deals with me in 'billboards' I thought it fitting I ought to commemorate one of the few times he did in a big way. I actually didn't figure out the full meaning of this day until some years after I came to Jesus.

One morning, I was praying in my room, just kind of crying out to God for my people. See, in México, and here actually, my people have a deep sense of religion, but a lot of times not much more. In fact, I've seen it hard for some of my people that come to Jesus to fully embrace grace and love and forgiveness because of how deeply religion is embedded in my culture. But November 1^st in México is the infamous 'Day of the Dead' and if you really study the history behind it, it's pretty dark. And honestly, kind of kooky. People go to cemeteries and leave food and offerings for their ancestors as a way of 'appeasing' and communicating with the spirits and finding some sort of closure or healing over the loss of loved ones. And on this particular day it just broke me to know that my people were so far off the mark, worshipping dead ancestors and serving offerings when the true, living God is yearning and clamoring to know them and heal all their hurts. So as I was praying about this, I had this huge 'aha!' moment where God reminded me that in was on November 1^st that I found life. November 1^st, 2006 was literally the day I came alive! Which also happens to be my mom's birthday.

See, at that time I was really struggling in an unhealthy relationship I found myself in. That morning I found out the girl I had been living with cheated on me. I kicked her out of the house and was planning on doing work on the dude she cheated on me with. I had it all planned out—I was going smash her car up, hope for the dude to come out and try to play superman so I could rough him up a bit too. I'm telling you, I had it planned out in a creepy way. Down to how I wanted to break a few bones and smash in his eye sockets, etc. And as I'm leaving my room to do this, I heard for the first time in a long time, the Spirit speak to me. And he simply said –or you can come home. 'Or you can come home' is all I heard. Over and over in my head and my heart until I broke. At that moment, it hit me how much off the mark I had strayed, how much I had tried to fill my lonely life with the things of this world. And honestly, how unsatisfied I was. I mean, I was about to rough a dude up and quite possibly do a stretch of time for some pretty serious charges, over what? A failed relationship? I was jacked. And truth be told, I hadn't always been completely faithful either, but at that moment all I could think of was how hurt I was and how cheated I felt. So for the first time in a long time, I hit my knees, bawled like a baby and came home.

The first story I read after asking Jesus to make my life new was Isaiah 43. The story of the Israelites straying from God, yet again. And in there, God tells them (paraphrasing here), yes, you are in a mess-a mess you created. Yes, you are overwhelmed with your non-sense. But you know what? That fire you're going through, it won't burn you. That flood you're going through? It won't drown you. Why? And verse 4 is my favorite, "because you're precious to me and I love you". The Amplified describes precious as royalty, a gem, literally, a prince. And on that day, after feeling so low and feeling like such a loser and a throw away, my God showed up to remind me I was precious, I wasn't a loser and I wasn't a throw away; I was royalty to him. And even though my life was a self-inflicted mess, He showed up to rescue me from my fire and flood.

And oh yeah, a lady whom I had never met then called my mom to tell her she had a dream that God told her to tell me that the fire I was going through and the flood I was going through wouldn't burn me and would drown me. That he loved me and that I was his prince. This was all November 1^st, 2006. My day of life.

My next one I just got this year and I'm really happy with it. I had honestly been chewing on this idea for a while now. I usually try and sit on an idea for 6-12 months, if after that I'm still absolutely convinced I want it, I'll go for it. This one though, I think I've wanted this one for years now. I especially like it because Nicky and I have the exact same tattoo and I think Omar might get his soon too. Psalm 91:4 says, "He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection." I got this one to commemorate my dad. When he passed away, I was 16. Needless to say, it left a huge void in my life. And not just in a physical and financial way, but it honestly created issues in me that I didn't get hashed out for years and years. See, my dad, like many dads, was my hero. He was the man I looked up to, the man I shadowed, the man I admired, the man I wanted to be. He very literally was, my best friend. He was the man that always believed the best in everyone and gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. He was the man that taught me, corrected me, disciplined me and loved me. But I think above all this, he was my support. He was my launching ground and he was my protector. If I have one consistent feeling that reminds me of my dad, it was that I always felt safe. See with him around, I always believed I could do anything, accomplish anything, go anywhere, try anything and he would always have my back. He was my fort that I came home to. It helped that he was a tower of a man. So when he passed, I all of a sudden became very insecure, felt very vulnerable, very unsafe and very unprotected. While most kids had dad to sign permission waivers, buy new cleats and ask about girls, my dad was gone. And I saw this manifested in many different ways for years in my life. I quit sports, I got in a lot of fights, smoked a lot of weed. I felt like I always had this chip on my shoulder—this stigma that I had to overcompensate for not being protected. And sometimes, I just wanted to run away from life and forget that my hero was gone. And countless other issues that took Jesus years to dig out from me.

But one thing I always remember about my dad was that he made us a family. See, my dad, was actually my step dad. He stepped into this pre-made kit of a family and selflessly took the mantle of dad and raised, cared for and provided for three boys that he honestly, had no obligation to. Not only was he dad, but he insisted on us being a family. We HAD to eat dinner together, we took a million family vacations, you know, family stuff. But he always made it a point to teach us that family came first. Before friends, before work, before pride. Family came first. And when he passed, I remember feeling this huge weight of being "dad" put on me. Not by anyone in particular, but by myself. Dad was gone, so obviously it was on me to make us a family, to somehow teach what dad would teach and say what dad would say. It was a heavy weight.

So when the first time I came across Psalm 91, I very much remember it being like my dad talking to me, not in a weird 'Day of the Dead' type. But I just remember feeling like the Spirit of God coming in and telling me, Son, I'm Dad. I'm your heavenly Father that will never die, never perish, never grow tired of caring for you and always have your back. I'm your support, your tower and your protection. And I sustain your family, not you. It's not your weight, it's mine. I very much remember feeling this image of God taking me under his arm like my dad used to and protecting me.

This is my God, this is my Dad, my heavenly Father that loves me, protects me, believes the best in me and always has my back. And he makes us a family.

My last one I wanted to go without any words and just have an image. Again, I sat on this one for about six months before I decided on it, but I'm really happy about it, and this one I'm especially proud of because I actually designed it myself. I drew it up myself, researched the exact location of the cities etc. It's pretty straight-forward, but the heart is where I was born, México City and obviously the star is Austin. I wanted it to be a reminder of why I'm here. Like millions of other families, my family migrated here illegally about 20 years ago. We risked life and each other to come to a land for the opportunity to make a better life and have a better destiny than we would have otherwise had in México. It reminds me that where I'm at and whatever 'hardships' I think I'm going through is nothing compared to what my people face and go through on a daily basis just for the opportunity to give their next generation a better life. There are scores of highly intelligent men and women that come to this country from their land where they were successful business owners, entrepreneurs, even doctors attorneys and engineers that will gladly take up a mop bucket and lawn mower to provide a better life for their family. Some of these men and women will never again have the respect or admiration of their peers as educated professionals, but rather, will be mistreated, discriminated against, patronized, cheated, insulted, underpaid and many times abused. All for the cause and hope that their family won't struggle through what they struggled through. This is my reminder that where I came from is a tough, dark place where many don't have the hope and opportunities that I have. This is my reminder to be thankful and grateful for what God has given me, and to be thankful in my trials because as bad as I may have it, there are literally millions of men and women that would love to be where I'm at, life struggles and all. This is where I'm from and this is where I'm proud to be.

This is my collection. For now. Definitely thinking about adding and updating some of these, but still waiting for 6-12 months.

Be blessed friends.

…and back!

Oh man. So it feels like it's been a long time since I've written anything. Had the itch for a while honestly. Through some logistics and misunderstandings, our internet got cut off at home, so I've been M.I.A. for a bit.

So what's going on? Jeez. In short, a lot.

Career is good. Didn't get the promotion I was shooting for, but it was good. Praise God, I still have a job and I'm still 12-18 months ahead of where I wanted to be going into this. Honestly, it was a bit ambitious to go for it that early on, but honestly, heed and caution aren't usually qualities I have in abundance.

Personally, life is awesome. The work hours put a bit of a cramp on social outings, but it also makes me really creative with the free time that I do have. In the last three months I've jumped out of a plane, drove to Dallas for a Rangers game, hiked more miles than I think I ever have before. Nearly fell off the side of a small cliff a time or two. Got some new ink. Biked all over Austin. Discovered a few new eateries. And watched maybe a total of 15 minutes of television. So adventuring continues, stay tuned.

Spiritually? This is the fun part. And this will be the brunt of what fills this dusty journal over the next few days and weeks. Where to start? So I suppose the base for my ongoing adventure would be good. So I'll air some laundry here—I've been single for a while now. About 15 months to be exact, but no one's counting right? And for the most part it's been ok. Almost comfortable. Obviously, last year in the internship it was non-negotiable, but after that, I just kind of continued. It wasn't until about February that I realized that not only was I comfortable being single, but honestly, the thought of a relationship really freaked me out! It stirred up a few things in me that I needed to hash out. So I tried hanging out with a few girls, nothing fancy, nothing serious, just to see, honestly. Not that they were bad girls or not quality or anything of the sort, just not right for me. Admittedly, I've always been uber picky. But these voyages really woke up something in me: I'm not ready for marriage. At least not the way I'd like to be. Not the way I'd like someone to be for me. I mean, could I do it? Yes, of course. Would I like to at some point? Of course—with the right person. And that's the contradiction, there's a deep part of me, I think, that I would love to be in a healthy, amazing, life-giving relationship. But the thought of being with the wrong person really freaks me out. So it's almost like a bad joke of 'Who's on First?'

So after some prayer and talking it over with my closest counsel, I really felt like I needed to dedicate these next six months to being single. Not coincidentally single-you know how some people are single because…um, how do I put it nicely? They don't have a choice. Guess that wasn't all that nice, but it is what it is. But what I felt in my heart this time was different; the difference between being coincidentally single and single with a purpose is a world apart. I mentioned a few months back that the weight of what it means to be a man and be a steward of a daughter of the King really hit me hard. And it's still something I chew on pretty frequently. And because of that, I'm exploring this journey. I know it'll be an amazing season of growth and challenges, but I'm quietly excited. Because honestly, I don't want to treat this like a magic genie formula. See, God is not a genie that if you follow steps 1, 2 and 3 to the T he automatically grants you three wishes. And then I ran across this scripture Hebrews 12:11 "No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it's painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way." So there it is. There's the magic formula. What's the reward for going through a season of discipline and living righteously? A quiet harvest of right living. In essence the reward for doing the right thing is that you learn to do the right thing. And while that not seem like much of a reward, isn't that what a righteous life is all about? Living righteously? Not piously, but righteously.

One of my utmost desires recently is to give my future wife my best. I remember growing up my mom and dad were always each others biggest fans. They cheered for each other, they rooted for each other and they honestly believed the best in each other. One thing that always stood out to me was how highly they spoke of each other when the other wasn't around. And I've always wanted that, I want my wife to look at me and know in her heart of hearts, I am the absolute best fit for her. That I'm the hardest working, best looking, most loving, most thoughtful, and most amazing husband on Earth. But I'm a cynic, if I don't feel like I'm honestly giving that to her, I won't feel like I've deserve her admiration. Because honestly, that's what I want. I want the most amazing, sweetest, kindest, coolest, most fun, hottest wife on Earth, but not just because I ordained her with those accolades, but because in my eyes she'll honestly be all those things. I'm a little weird; I've never been into the 'celebrity crush' game. And I've always been turned off by girls that were. See, here's my view: if you think a celebrity is the most attractive person on Earth and you think you deserve that, then go for it. Don't settle for someone 'in your league' and lust after someone else—even in jest. A lot of times the rationale is used –well I'll never meet them. Well hypothetically, what if you do? Will that man or woman be someone that you lust after in person? I've never thought of selling myself short and I don't think anyone ought to. When I find my wife, I want to be able to look at her and 100% know and believe that she is the most beautiful woman on Earth. More beautiful than any celebrity, more gorgeous than any super model, more attractive than any other woman walking the planet. I suppose it's a bit far-fetched and maybe even a bit of a romanticized view, but it's mine and those are my standards.

So here I am. On another journey. To grow and learn and be transformed into the man that God would have me be. And this isn't 100% about being that man for my wife. I'm genuinely excited for this season, I'm really enjoying being single and I'm looking forward to a new, almost refreshed season of singleness. Single with a purpose. A single man, building and journeying, exploring, gathering, growing. And when I'm ready, I think he'll make me a steward. A steward of more responsibility, more influence, more 'acreage' and hopefully one of his most amazing, most caring, most fun, most beautiful daughters—one he's taken just as much time and care to prepare just for me.

So stick around, watch my God show up and do some more amazing.

Are you impressed?

This has been on my mind a lot lately. Are you impressed? Pretty simple question. But what weight does it really carry?

I guess this has been a lot more on my mind lately because I'm now at a point where I can interview for a 'real' or permanent position with Apple. See, until now I was on a contingent basis, more like a dating period. So it's no secret that my superiors have been looking at my numbers. Everything from my punctuality and sales figures to how much do I really dig being there. And I'm beginning to understand why some people wouldn't make it there. Not that it's hard, but it's also not easy. And after a while you can only 'impress' for so long. I mean sure, at first anyone is psyched about a new job, so you dress up, you shave, you show up 15 minutes early. But after you've settled into your routine, after you learned the in's and out's how much are you still trying to impress? I guess what I'm figuring out is that you can only hold a song and dance for so long. I feel fortunate that for me, it's not a song and dance. I genuinely enjoy my job, so after a few months I still enjoying getting there early, I'm still competing to have astronomical figures, I still love what I do.

But this led to me thinking in terms of people. Who are you? Sure, there are situations and circumstances that call for a certain, décor or panache. But is that who you want people to think you are? Or are you 'that' person even when no one is looking? Are you impressive all the time or just when people are looking? See the great thing about people is that if you watch them long enough eventually you see who they really are. Some of my closest friends are those that after years and years of doing life together are still the same people. I think of the years I was in the world doing my own thing and literally everybody from the church I grew up in kind of shunned me. Not that I expected everyone to come chase after me, but I definitely noticed those that did. I had three people in all those years that continuously called and checked on me. That encouraged me and loved on me even when they had nothing to gain from pouring into me—and after all, isn't this love? Sure I get it, befriending me was a bad 'political' move for everyone else in that church but was it politics that brought me back to Christ? Not at all. It was love. So I think, who am I? Who are you?

The danger in putting on a song and a dance for people is that you can only sing and dance so long. Eventually the tune fades and your feet hurt. And then, who are you? But maybe it's just human nature to try and impress. Anytime you have a novelty or a 'honeymoon' period to anything it seems as though everything is rainbows and butterflies. But when there is nothing to gain from trying to impress who are you? I think this is something I learned in those years I was off doing my own thing. I spent so long growing up in church, playing the church game, shaking the right hands, kissing the right babies, volunteering for the right ministries, but when it all lost it's allure, I got bored. I didn't want to be that person anymore and when I fell off, politically I was a stigma. So I think even in those years God was teaching me to be me and be me all the time. So sure, I'm not always the most couth, I may not always be politically savvy, but I am me. And if you can't fake who you are forever then why start?

I think what finally freed me to be me and be me to my fullest was the day I realized the one person I ever needed to impress was already impressed. You see, there is nothing I can ever do, learn, accomplish or purchase that will make my Father love me any more. Or any less. When I learned that it was like the weight of the world was off me and on him. If he loves me when I sin and he loves me when I don't then I have nothing to hide. He knows my shortcomings, he knows my highest achievements. He loves me when I cuss and he loves me when I sing. And if he's impressed, who's left to impress? Can people place me somewhere God hasn't appointed me for? Absolutely not. And can man displace me from where God has appointed me? Try.

So if there are no expectations to impress then why do we still do it? Because it feels good to be praised doesn't it? It feels good to be accepted and loved. I won't lie, it does. As people, we keep what's impressive and cut what is not. Right? I mean, what are relationships if not two people that are impressed with each other enough to stick together? And that's ok. You should never settle for something or someone that makes you feel less-than. For something that you feel is not impressive. If God has the best for you than why settle for less? In a certain sense, you deserve to be impressed. And if you're not, move on. But on the flip side, do you really want praise or acceptance for who you're not? And this, to me, seems to be the pivotal point between integrity and dishonesty. Because some people are so starved for acceptance that they'll sell themselves out to be someone they're not simply to have someone give them a pat on the back or a shinning word of praise. So what's the solution? Be impressive. But be impressive to the One that matters. Be impressive in your freedom, be impressive in loving him, in chasing him, in loving his people and he will make you impressive in your core. And if in your core you're impressive, it's not a song and dance people are impressed by, it's the One living in you that people are impressed by.

So sing your song. Dance your dance. And when you're tired of being the world's dancing monkey, know your Father is here to receive you, to love you, to cherish you and to be impressed by you.

Baseball, John Mayer and Cooking

So. Here it is. 27. And I've honestly been too busy to reflect or really even stop to see if I feel any different. Do I? Of course not. Do you ever 'feel' that one day that you breached the cusp between years?

But what I did notice in the months leading up to 27 is that I have felt 'different.' I don't know if it was the slow realization that I'm closer to 30 than I am to 21, or if it was the eerie, weighty feeling of responsibility that all of a sudden my life is not even that much about me. I guess I'll talk about this for a minute--but I think I may have found a key to life, and it's this: life is not about us. I mean in the holistic sense it is, but your life is not really about you, or maybe it is. But at the point when you realize your life has little to do with you, I think the gravity of how precious your life really is and how weighty your responsibilities really are become more real. So obviously, life is not really about me, and for a long time, and really I think many of us in the 'Christian' circles somehow understand this, or at least pretend to have some semblance of this. My life is about my Jesus, yes. But it's also about my wife. It's about my kids--whenever either of these arrive, the latter hopefully way down the road. It's about the name and legacy I'll leave behind--or lack thereof. It's about my family and my people that have come before me and stood long enough and strong enough to give me a ground and shoulders to stand on. All of this is now my life. So I think I mentioned before how my career has slowly started to feel more like a project or endeavor to present to my spouse than it was just a means to an end. And I think that's definitely one of the things I've 'felt' different about being 27.



But this is what I really surprised me: Baseball, John Mayer and Cooking.

So, for a long time these three have been on my bad list. And I think I had valid reasons as to why they were there.

Baseball has a never-ending season. With way too many teams and entirely too many players. Ignore the whole steroid-era where every record will require an asterisk next to it and it's still a boring sport.

I watched an interview one time with John Mayer where he tried some stand up bit about how every girl at every one of his concerts swoons over him and wants to sleep with him and throws their panties on stage-or some pompous non-sense like that. And while I'm sure this holds true to a very sad and pathetic degree, the fact that he would brag and be proud of this on national television, forever and instantly gave him the label John 'Douchebag' Mayer in my book--and from what I understand, in a lot of people's books.

I suck at cooking. And yes, I'll admit, in a somewhat chauvinistic sense, I don't think it's my job. I one time made the argument -I have a weiner. I don't cook. And I somewhat really felt justified.

Here recently however, I've all of a sudden, and by some odd twist of the cosmos, become somewhat to at least a little interested in all three. The first time I realized this was when I was walking through Whole Foods and all of a sudden realized that outside of mineral water, sushi and the sandwich section, I was pretty much clueless as to what the rest of the store held. I felt almost a little embarrassed within myself that this place that I love so much held so much that I was completely oblivious to. I had a random thought -what if one day I picked up a recipe and cooked something? Not for any special occasion, not for anyone in particular, but just simply to say I could and I would. And I did. Last week, I randomly decided I would. On the way home, I stopped at HEB, googled a quick recipe for cinnamon French toast, shopped for cinnamon, vanilla extract and nutmeg (I still don't have a clue what this is) and headed home to make my own eggs, sausage and cinnamon French toast breakfast. Now I know it's not exactly nuclear physics, but I did it. And I was a little proud of myself. Almost felt like I could do this a lot more. And I realistically just might. Again, not for any particular reason, but just for the knowledge that I can. I think next I want to tackle something with fish and mango and maybe something spicy. A friend of mine at work mentioned that he rolls his own sushi, I think that would be something cool to try-and seriously, how many Mexicans do you know that make their own sushi? Enchiladas? Yes. Sushi? Not that many. There was also something fulfilling and probably arrogant to knowing that if I never marry, I don't need a woman to provide anything for me. I could, for all intents and purposes, be a completely self-sustained, self-fulfilled man. Not to say I'm any expert, or that I don't want a gorgeous woman to cook way more than I ever will, but it felt good to know that I'll never NEED a woman to cook for me.

I still think John Mayer is a bit of a doucher. But it's hard to deny talent. And I suppose it's only fair to give credit where credit is due. So if the man has a jacked personal life and his self worth and value come from some deep-seeded void that he overcompensates for with an exaggerated sense of machismo, chauvinism and promiscuity, than so be it. If girls want to swoon and crush on the man, than, who am I to point out that as grown women they're reducing themselves to the idiocy of 12 year olds plastering their bedroom walls with Nsync posters? So I'll let grown women act like idiots and the man do what he does, but I do admire his lyrical sense and musical talent.

And finally, baseball. This one snuck up on me like the first time you realize you're crushing on that girl that you've known forever. I mean we were friends, baseball and me. I would casually catch the highlights on SportsCenter between the real sports like football and UFC. But for the most part I had an apathetic disinterest towards it. Then we went to a Rangers game. And I was genuinely torn about who to root for--Vladimir Guerrero bats for the Rangers, which is awesome. But they were owned by the Bushes, and as a self-respecting man with logic, sense and dignity I can't willfully support anything affiliated with Republican blue-bloods. Then on the other hand the Cubbies are loveable simply because of their losing streak, however they play in the same division as my Astros. The confusion! After I realized the intricacies of the game, I developed a genuine interest in it. I still think it's a bit of a bore, but the talent you have to have to hit a 90+ mph fastball is insane!

So here's the bottom line: if you're not growing as a person, how can you be living? One of my biggest pet-peeves in people is willful ignorance. And I guess somewhere down the line, I realized I had never given these things a fair shake. And like most things, once you're genuinely open to the idea and try it out, you can usually find something in there that's not so bad, if not actually interesting. And isn't this life? Growing, changing, expanding? There are some things I'm an expert in. And I know there are other things I am completely ignorant to. One of the things I always admired about my dad was that regardless of the subject, the situation or the position, he always had a well-informed, articulate reason as to why he felt the way he felt. I would venture to say, he was one of the few people I have ever known worthy of the moniker 'Renaissance Man.' I don't want to die an ignorant man. I want my kids to think I'm a genius, I want to give my kids every single opportunity in life to chase any path they choose, to explore any road they will and know that at some point, I was probably there and I can still guide, counsel and support.

So if there is anything different about me at 27, it's this: I want to explore more, I want to expand more, I want to know more, to be more. And yeah partly for me, but mostly for my life, or rather the life that is not about me, the life I will give to someone, the life I will share with someone. The life I'll give to my kids, nieces and nephews. Because after all, life isn't really about me.